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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let dd decide?

40 replies

dddecide · 13/12/2023 12:18

Feeling awful and just looking for outside perspective. Apologies for length. Dd is 12, her dad lives the other side of the country. We’ve had the arrangement for many years that dd spends half of all the holidays with him. She has always struggled with this, she never wants to go and doesn’t want to leave me for long periods of time. I feel her dad has never been sensitive to this, and instead has always taken it personally and been annoyed that her not wanting to go hurts his feelings so over the years she has learnt to try to hide her upset about going so as not to upset him. I’ve done my best to be positive about their visits, reminding her that she does often have nice times while visiting etc. Dd also video calls him 3x a week (also often complains about having to do this, I think it now feels like a chore to her). She’s becoming much more ‘teenagery’, stroppy, selfish, a bit uncaring, doesn’t want to do things etc so I feel a bit conflicted atm because she’s not being especially reasonable, but I also understand her feelings about the situation.

I really feel that I’ve done my best to facilitate their relationship, and I’ve always been very sensitive to, and considerate of, her dads feelings and the challenges of the situation. I often wonder if I’ve been TOO considerate, at the expense of dds feelings. And I worry that by continuing to insist she visit I’m doing damage to her, as well as my own relationship with her.

Dd has been expressing upset about visiting for Xmas and we discussed the things that were making her feel reluctant to go. They were issues that could be worked on, so I messaged her dad to discuss and his reaction was very negative. (I can totally understand the upset because it must be incredibly hurtful to feel like your child doesn’t want to see you. I did make it clear that dd had said she wanted to see him, but was just worried about these things). He was not receptive at all, and imo was only talking about how he felt about everything and didn’t really give dds feelings much consideration at all. He also insulted my parenting a bit but I’m not overly bothered about that, though it was a bit upsetting and made me question myself.

Dd had seemingly been happy to go if these issues were addressed, but following his reaction has now said she doesn’t want to go. She understands some of the potential consequences of this decision and is sticking by it (I fear this will be the end of their relationship as I think there’s a good chance he’ll say not to bother in future). Aibu to let her decide at this point not to go? I’m genuinely upset for her dad, but DDs feelings have to be my priority.

Will answer any qs people feel may be relevant, didn’t want post to be even longer so may have missed important information (or included irrelevant information!).. please try not to be too harsh on me, I’ve really tried my best and I know I’ve got it wrong at times but I’ve really tried.

OP posts:
FarewellLeicesterSquare · 13/12/2023 12:59

Just really wanted to say that whatever you decide, your daughter is really, really lucky to have you as a mother op. You sound incredibly caring, intelligent, and sensitive to her needs , and so concerned to do right by everyone, and you have have made huge efforts. This doesn’t seem to be the case for your ex.

Love is a verb so take note of his actions not his words. Is he being belligerent bc he really wants to see your dd or because his ego is hurt?

And of course the irony is that it’s only natural that your dd will be reluctant to stay with her dad being as he is, and of course he has no self awareness of the very characteristics that contributed to that reluctance!

I have no experience of these situations but as you don’t appear to have any legal agreement to fulfill, I think it’s time to let dd to decide. It’s very difficult though isn’t it as young adolescents don’t always know what is best for them. Nor do you want her to blame you when she is older for not making her go on contact visits.

Could you and your ex afford a couple of sessions of mediation to sort this out? We have used a professional mediation company to resolve a professional issue at work and it was incredibly effective.

maltichi · 13/12/2023 12:57

You've done more than enough. Forcing her to go will only delay the inevitable. If she doesn't want to visit now, she won't be interested when she's an adult either.

I don't think it makes any difference how far away he is personally. Who can't make the effort to travel for their kid once a year no matter how inconvenient it is?

Beamur · 13/12/2023 12:50

I would listen to your DD. Still encourage her to maintain contact and see him, but he is going to have to accept that she has other things going on in her life too. He sounds quite inflexible.

User13579367337 · 13/12/2023 12:45

Your update says it all really. So it’s his way or the highway. So making any effort for her to feel welcome in his house, or god forbid him even travelling down to spend time with her in her own surroundings is unacceptable. She needs to sacrifice her holiday, Xmas and her happiness because her dad can’t put her first in any way, and her mum doesn’t want to rock the boat. I’d move heaven and earth for my kids. I wouldn’t be forcing a distraught 12yo girl to spend Xmas with her uncaring father

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 12:45

I’d insist on her seeing him over the Christmas break but not necessarily for the full week or however long she’s supposed to go for.

What are the issues she’s raised? It makes a difference if it’s legitimate like she doesn’t want to sleep on a sofa the whole time, or not like she wanted to be able to play games all night.

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/12/2023 12:44

You have been far too accommodating. You and your daughter are making more of an effort that he is.

User13579367337 · 13/12/2023 12:39

I don’t get what difference it makes who moved away from who. What’s important here is what’s best for the child and the fact that her dad is completely disregarding her feelings. He seems hellbent on destroying what relationship they have, so it’s going to happen at some point anyway. 12 is old enough to make your own mind up about who to spend Xmas with. I wouldn’t destroy your own relationship with your daughter trying to placate her father who sounds like an insensitive shit tbh

TeaKitten · 13/12/2023 12:37

dddecide · 13/12/2023 12:34

Ooh that's a tricky one really. I moved across the country and met him while living there. We were only together for about 18 months, relationship was pretty toxic and it ended. I moved back to live near my family and then found out I was pregnant. So we've not been together, or lived near each other, for the entirety of DDs life.

I really have made every effort. When dd was younger I used to take her to his every few months and I'd stay with friends for a week or 2 nearby while dd saw him. When dd started school we were obviously limited to holidays so came up with our current arrangement. I've continued to occasionally do the trip, but I've had uni and a job, and now have a baby and toddler so doing the long trip there and back with them is much much harder.

It's also worth noting that he's only visited our area to see dd 3 times in 12 years. And dd herself has expressed upset that she always has to leave her home and they never come here.

Show quote history

Then stop feeling sorry for this guy and just listen to your DD. He’s never been a proper dad and expects her to do the leg work, which is not something you want your daughter to grow up thinking we do for men! He can visit her if he wants, she’s here and available, but she doesn’t want to travel and that’s far enough. You aren’t blocking contact, you are allowing her not to travel away from home when she doesn’t want to.

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 12:36

@dddecide I could well have ended up in your situation myself tbh. Going off what you've said, I'd let her decide. Him making the effort to visit 3 times in 12 years is just shit.

Original poster
dddecide · 13/12/2023 12:34

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 12:26

My answer to this would depend on who moved away from who.

If he moved away from you, then tough luck.

If you moved away from him, then I think you should continue to encourage your daughter a bit more.

Ooh that's a tricky one really. I moved across the country and met him while living there. We were only together for about 18 months, relationship was pretty toxic and it ended. I moved back to live near my family and then found out I was pregnant. So we've not been together, or lived near each other, for the entirety of DDs life.

I really have made every effort. When dd was younger I used to take her to his every few months and I'd stay with friends for a week or 2 nearby while dd saw him. When dd started school we were obviously limited to holidays so came up with our current arrangement. I've continued to occasionally do the trip, but I've had uni and a job, and now have a baby and toddler so doing the long trip there and back with them is much much harder.

It's also worth noting that he's only visited our area to see dd 3 times in 12 years. And dd herself has expressed upset that she always has to leave her home and they never come here.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 13/12/2023 12:33

What are the visitation arrangements normally (i e. outwith holidays)?

I think this is relevant because if he only really sees her for the holidays, I could understand her feeling like a bauble that's brought out and dusted off, so he can have the shiny hallmark Christmas! And who wants to spend Christmas feeling like a guest all the time?

If he does see her regularly, I'd stick to the normal arrangements. I.e. no extra days just because it's Christmas.

I also tend to think that the parent who does the lion's share of parenting gets first choice of days for the holidays tbh, but that's a whole other issue!

TeaKitten · 13/12/2023 12:30

Did you move away from him? Or him from you? If you moved away and took his child I can see why he gets upset. If he moved then he is one CF to be expecting a kid to run to him. But either way, let your DD decide. A parent that likes on the other side of the country and doesn’t regularly visit is not a proper parent anyway, forcing 3 video calls a WEEK is too much as well if she doesn’t enjoy it. A court would take her feelings into account so you should too.

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 12:26

My answer to this would depend on who moved away from who.

If he moved away from you, then tough luck.

If you moved away from him, then I think you should continue to encourage your daughter a bit more.

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/12/2023 12:21

I'd definitely let her decide. What I think you need to do is reply to him and make sure you say how he has not responded to your points or even made suggestions that will take her feelings into account.

EdinGirl · 13/12/2023 12:21

You absolutely shouldn't force her and his reaction shows he cares more about his feelings than his daughter's comfort.

But I would also keep records of all the messages to show you are trying to facilitate the relationship in case he goes the legal route.