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Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

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Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 23:33

He's always said he'd be fine if I met an ex, in fact encouraged me to! He's a very warm, sociable guy who easily builds lasting relationships both in work and socially, so it wouldn't just have been one coffee.. she'd have been in our lives.

I've met his ex-wife (we're second marriage) many times, even had her for lunch.. no problem with that of course as they share children.

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Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 18:18

It's a tough one this . If you did trust him then you wouldn't really be worried about it so something doesn't feel right for you . I'll be honest I wouldn't feel comfortable about it , but he hasn't hid it from you either. I think I would be more worried if it was done in secret .
You have to be honest with him tho as I'm sure he would with you. Would he be ok if you met up with a ex ? Just changing the narrative .

catsanddogsandrabbits · 14/12/2023 18:09

Nasty comment about cool wives. different people, different approaches, different experiences. No need to put other women down.

Personally, I'd be fine with it. I trust DP. I don't control who he can and can't see. If he wanted to cheat he would. Just as I would.

I meet up with an old ex about twice or three times a year. We flirt a little, have lunch, swap stories, have a laugh, remember old friends - and go home to our partners after no more than a friendly hug.

If my partner wanted to stop that because he didn't trust me I wouldn't stay around. It's not how I want to live. So I'm glad he's a "cool husband" and I'm a "cool wife" (except the term is ridiculous - so we're not!)
Hope it works out for you OP

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 17:34

The birthday messages only started when they connected on Facebook prob about 8 years ago. He scrolled back to show me previous messages saying "must meet to catch up" but they never have. He does value our marriage and although I know he wouldn't have cheated, I don't particularly want him thinking the grass was greener.. as far as we're both concerned the episode's over.

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BIossomtoes · 14/12/2023 09:54

It would be in mine. If my bloke did this I’d never feel the same about him again. This degree of lack of trust on the basis of nothing would damage most relationships.

He was deceptive because she moved the goalposts, the birthday messages had been going on for 30 years. He’s had three decades to make a move on her if he wanted to.

Diamonde · 14/12/2023 09:02

I really don't think this is any kind of nail in the coffin for their relationship. Why would op trust him when he was deceptive? I'm sure he can see that and they can both move on.

Bookworm1111 · 14/12/2023 06:59

But haven't they been in contact for a few years already, even if it's just to send an occasional birthday text? This isn't suddenly renewed contact, so giving him a hard time so he has to block her seems over the top and, as other PP have said, controlling. People often say in messages 'oh we must meet up' and don't actually follow through.

What you've done, OP, is show him that you don't trust him, which is so damaging for a marriage. He might be fine now, but at some point he will dwell on this.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 06:13

@Alohapotato
There's even memes about it.

Dh contacting old girlfriend
Alohapotato · 14/12/2023 06:08

Lot of people say: " we should meet for a coffee " but they don't really plan to do it, it's just something polite to say..

Panaa · 14/12/2023 04:34

However, that doesn't excuse lying and minimising and I'm beyond disappointed.

I don't get it, you said you read the messages and that at each birthday they say we must catch up etc. Did he make any attempts to actually meet up with her?

It's just something a lot of people say in my experience and most people don't mean it!

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 03:35

Yes he knew she was single but I don't think he had sinister motives.

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MsDogLady · 14/12/2023 03:28

@Ibizafun, their yearly ‘let’s catch up’ was essentially lip-service … until he took action and expressed to you that he’d like to meet up with her. Was he aware that she’d become single when he approached you about seeing her?

MariaLuna · 14/12/2023 01:10

Just reverse it and ask him how he would feel if you felt the need to meet up with an ex.

I think you would find the answer rather disturbing. No, you can't but I can.

I wouldn't put up with it frankly.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 01:02

She was certainly very special at the time, the relationship lasted a few years and he was very hurt when she ended it. Thank you again for taking the time to give me your opinions.

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Mirabai · 13/12/2023 23:50

They only got back in contact a few years back. To be in renewed contact they don’t need to be “special” merely friendly.

My parents have been friends with my dad’s ex gf for 50 years.

Holdingsteady · 13/12/2023 23:10

Mirabai, I agree he hasn’t insisted and that is great. He is putting his wife first, as he should.

Also, no we don’t know if this ex was special, but, having kept in contact (even if it’s only occasional) for thirty years I would guess she was a bit more special than any other ex’s that don’t keep in touch.

If he did insist on meeting his ex regardless of his wife’s discomfort then that is a massive red flag.

Thankfully this is not the case

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 22:53

He hasn’t insisted and he doesn’t sound particularly invested, we don’t even know that she was “special”. I’m not so insecure that I think that a partner would leave me just for clapping eyes on a an ex.

Holdingsteady · 13/12/2023 22:47

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 21:44

I do understand her concerns, but I don’t share your terror of exes per se - I wouldn’t want to see any of mine, but equally I wouldn’t want to be banned from seeing them if I wanted to - I don’t think bans in relationships are particularly healthy or necessary.

Show quote history

So, you have no desire to see any of your ex’s, that’s great, maybe they weren’t that special to you.

BUT, what if one of them was special? What if it was your first real love and you really wanted to meet them for a cosy coffee & cake, knowing your current partner was uncomfortable with this. Would you go anyway and say FU current partner, I will meet who I like because it’s my right to do so?

If digging your heels in, because it’s no big deal to you, is more important than causing upset to your current relationship, then fill your boots.

If my partner insisted on doing this (he wouldn’t because he’s not a dick) I would be seriously considering the future of our relationship.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 21:49

savethatkitty · 13/12/2023 20:05

He's looking for an ego boost & attention from someone who isn't you. Probably harmless, but would give me the ick nonetheless

That is exactly it.

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Mirabai · 13/12/2023 21:44

Holdingsteady · 12/12/2023 23:57

Then you clearly don't understand her concerns. He has intimate knowledge of this woman, memories of dating and sleeping with her. Why would you think inviting this into a marriage is a good thing?

Show quote history

I do understand her concerns, but I don’t share your terror of exes per se - I wouldn’t want to see any of mine, but equally I wouldn’t want to be banned from seeing them if I wanted to - I don’t think bans in relationships are particularly healthy or necessary.

savethatkitty · 13/12/2023 20:05

He's looking for an ego boost & attention from someone who isn't you. Probably harmless, but would give me the ick nonetheless

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 19:30

But he's not friends with her!! Wants to get to know her again!!

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Circularargument · 13/12/2023 18:53

dooneyousmugelf · 11/12/2023 07:30

YANBU. He wants her in his life....why? What's his plan if he's being honest with himself? Meet for one coffee and then never speak to her again? Hardly! Slippery little snake.

Blimey. I'm in frequentish contact with several exs and have less than zero interest in getting back with any of them

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 18:33

"Did you think that agreeing not to meet up also meant never being in contact again? Otherwise, I don't understand why you are feeling so betrayed."

I didn't have a problem with sending birthday texts, but we did agree that he wouldn't bring her into our lives as it was a long serious relationship and I don't feel comfortable with it. He mentioned he'd sent her a birthday message but didn't mention he'd asked to meet her after agreeing not to. He's explained they say this every year just banter.. not sure about that as I know he'd love to. I know he's not looking for an affair but don't want to risk him getting too close to her.

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Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 18:21

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 13/12/2023 04:21

A few years ago I had contact with an ex on social media. He was a big part of my life once, I loved him so much. First love. I was genuinely thrilled to have contact with him but the past was the past & I adore my husband. Nonetheless, I really wanted to meet him to see how he was. I didn’t because I felt that a married woman shouldn’t do that even though I had no ulterior motive. My husband knew we’d messaged each other. Deep down I was desperate to give him a hug and have a pint/catch but I didn’t. He jumped off a bridge a few months later and that was that. Just saying, sometimes you want to meet for genuine reasons, not always a sexual motive. Life is short. See how honest he is with you first.

That is truly horrendous, I am so very sorry. Just awful.

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