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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this rude on a first date?

35 replies

DatingMum6838 · 10/12/2023 19:03

Went on a first date today with someone I’ve been talking to for about 2 weeks, but quite a lot within those 2 weeks (messages, calls, video calls etc). We went and watched a sports match as we are both really interested in stuff like that and it was quite a big game.

A few of her friends were also at the same match and they were texting each other in the group chat quite a lot the whole time, like she had her phone in her hand most of the time.

AIBU or am I right in thinking this is rude? I was in double minds about it because obviously watching a game is quite a sociable thing and she was showing me what was going on in the group chat etc but I don’t know?!

OP posts:
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Original poster
DatingMum6838 · 13/12/2023 07:43

@Dobbybigearsdog I met her on tinder but she lives really local to me so we knew people in common too… it’s really hard meeting other women… especially because it’s a small circle and everyone knows everyone, everyone has dated each other, it’s generally a lot of drama 😅😂 a lot of the time it’s quite long distance too. I’m in a really nice Facebook group - if you send me a message I’ll let you know which one it is x

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 13/12/2023 04:47

I know it has been resovled now but it shouldnt be this hard, we could be 50/50 on rude or not but if you need to think about I would move on

Passingthethyme · 13/12/2023 04:43

Rude

Dobbybigearsdog · 13/12/2023 04:35

I meant in general terms lol totally clueless 😂

Gymnopedie · 13/12/2023 04:09

Dobbybigearsdog · 13/12/2023 04:04

I hope it’s ok to ask this op? . If you don’t mind me asking where did you meet her? I’ve just come out and not having much luck on pof x

Sorry in the nicest possible way that made me laugh. It doesn't sound like the OP had much luck either given her posts. Maybe that's one to avoid!

Dobbybigearsdog · 13/12/2023 04:04

I hope it’s ok to ask this op? . If you don’t mind me asking where did you meet her? I’ve just come out and not having much luck on pof x

Dobbybigearsdog · 13/12/2023 04:02

I totally agree very rude! My ex she was constantly on her phone - even in bed watching tv. It winds me up in general I think you prefer your phone - don’t bother meeting me

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 13/12/2023 03:09

Would drive me mad too and is very rude. But so many people nowadays go to concerts etc and have the phone out recording it all and are not really there in the moment enjoying the music or match or whatever.

You can do better and if this person and their behavior was annoying you now it would only get worse as they seem addicted to their phone and was not good on a first date and no point thinking it would improve.
Also cancelling the food part also really rude so think you both not compatible and good luck in the future.

Ewoklady · 13/12/2023 01:08

Good for you 👍

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2023 06:36

DatingMum6838 · 11/12/2023 06:30

Yeah I sent her a message now tbf as I know she’ll be up for work soon just saying thanks for yesterday but I feel like a bit crap because of the excuse to go home, the being on the phone the whole time and the change of tone in messages and stuff afterwards, I don’t do very well with hot and cold stuff like that so I won’t be seeing you again but all the best going forward!

I really don’t have time for stuff like that

Sensible. More fish in the sea, DatingMum.

It just goes to show that chatting online or whatever does not reveal the real person. You have to meet in the flesh to see if there is chemistry between you and, in your case, there was not. It just didn't work.

Never mind, onwards and upwards. Good luck.

Original poster
DatingMum6838 · 11/12/2023 06:30

Yeah I sent her a message now tbf as I know she’ll be up for work soon just saying thanks for yesterday but I feel like a bit crap because of the excuse to go home, the being on the phone the whole time and the change of tone in messages and stuff afterwards, I don’t do very well with hot and cold stuff like that so I won’t be seeing you again but all the best going forward!

I really don’t have time for stuff like that

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 11/12/2023 06:25

She has no social skills at all!

Original poster
DatingMum6838 · 11/12/2023 06:19

Yeah tbf I kind of got the same impression and I don’t really know but either way anything that makes me feel like that, I’m not really here for it anyway! She’s still been messaging me so I’m going to reply later on and just say thanks for the football match but I don’t want to see you again sort of thing!

OP posts:
salamirose · 11/12/2023 06:19

Ah sounds like she's not into you

GandalfTheWhite · 11/12/2023 06:13

Sounds to me from your most recent post that she's maybe not that into you? Do you think she is? Has she asked for a second date?

And yes, being on her phone the whole time was rude as hell

Original poster
DatingMum6838 · 11/12/2023 06:01

It was more of a local Sunday league team thing, and her friends were mostly asking her questions about the game and players etc which I get but also maybe a bit rude from her friends too knowing she was meeting someone for the first time and bombarding with messages but also poor on her behalf for replying the whole time. Afterwards was a bit shit too tbf, we was supposed to maybe go and get food or something like that but she said she wanted to get back because her step sister (she’s a child) was at home and was going back to their mum’s in a couple of hours which I get wanting to spend time with them but she had the whole morning with her and spends every weekend with her so I just thought it was a bit shitty seeing as it was the first time seeing me sort of thing? I don’t know if I’m maybe wrong on that part or overthinking it!

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 11/12/2023 01:00

It wouldn't bother me in the context that she was chatting with her mates about the match as part of the experience and including you. It's more that you tagged along to something she would do anyway than a traditional date. I'd see how she was on a lunch or dinner date, it would certainly be rude to be on your phone then.

jasminetea22 · 11/12/2023 00:52

I totally agree with @UsingChangeofName. Was this the Arsenal-Chelsea match by any chance? It was a very exciting game, and I can see why fans would want to discuss it with their friends in the stadium. A football match does sound like an odd choice for a first date, though.

Harrystylestutu · 11/12/2023 00:27

@UsingChangeofName I didn't think of that, I was thinking more a local Sunday league team thing.
What happened after OP?

Harrystylestutu · 11/12/2023 00:24

Is she really shy? Her friends may have been grilling her about you, why didn't they join you?
Was it the first proper date? Did she introduce you to her friends? whether you were going to be potentially going out or just a new friend I think that's rude and mean.
Have you heard from her since? If a man I went on a date with did that I'm sorry to say I really wouldn't bother. Sorry OP

UsingChangeofName · 10/12/2023 23:13

Going against the grain here - it's quite normal to be messaging people who are in the same stadium as you are. Also quite normal to be messaging about the game as it unfurls.

Completely different from going for dinner, or meeting one: one for a coffee. This was an activity that you both enjoy, so went to the activity together and she behaved as she normally would at that activity. It was presumably (?) deliberately (and pretty sensibly) chosen so you could both enjoy the match without the intense pressure there is on a 11 meal (or even coffee or drink) when it can be a bit more intense.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 10/12/2023 22:55

Nah, that’s not on - she’s shown some really poor social skills there. Ignoring the person next to you that you’re on a date with because you’re too involved in a group phone chat is really lacking in awareness. It might be the case that she really has no idea that this is rude. She might even think she came across well, being sociable and popular. But no, this isn’t the way adults with decent interpersonal skills behave on a date. You could gently mention this to her - that you didn’t feel you clicked because she was preoccupied with texting etc rather than showing interest in your date. She’ll know to be more courteous to you or the next person to date her!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/12/2023 20:50

So I was dating just as cellphones were becoming prolific…think Nokia flip/pre razor days for context. But I had an ironclad rule that no second dates if a cellphone came out. I broke the rule once and let my date know my sister had surgery that day and was waiting on an update. I would have given a pass under similar circumstances.

I always figured if they weren’t going to focus on me on the first date then what would a relationship look like.

User13579367337 · 10/12/2023 19:46

flowerchild2000 · 10/12/2023 19:10

For a first date that wasn't a good scenario. I think the mistake was having a social date first. You should see her again but something like a dinner so it's one on one. It really depends if she's always on her phone or if it was the context of that day. I would give it a few more dates to see and not judge too quickly. But yes, I find phone addiction very unattractive. I think at this point it's a lifestyle choice, like being a big drinker or being outdoorsy. You might have a different lifestyle and that really needs to match up for it to work.

This. I wouldn’t write her off over this, it wasn’t really a conventional date. I’d at least try for a second, like pp said a dinner date, and see what she’s like then

penjil · 10/12/2023 19:34

Bin her off.

Spend time with someone who is actually interested in you.