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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband didn’t get the train.

168 replies

Overcome2023 · 09/12/2023 23:59

After much deliberation DH decided he would go out tonight with people he does a hobby with.

I dropped him off and he was catching the last train home. I stayed at home
with our two children and another from
his previous marriage.

An hour had passed since he should have been home. I rang and rang until eventually he picked up, he has missed the train and wants to know whether he should get a taxi or stay over with friends. Am I unreasonable to think this is disrespectful and totally selfish?

I’m on a really short fuse after a difficult year. I was also previously engaged to a binge drinker and him going missing was what caused our relationship to end so I might be I’m overreacting but I just think this is totally out of order, am I right?

OP posts:
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SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 16:00

@Blink1880
when I got home he came storming out of the house while I was paying the taxi

...so I woman-handled him back into the house.

Oh yes, turning it round makes it so much clearer...

FrecklyFrog · 10/12/2023 10:22

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:35

@FrecklyFrog did you let him know though? I’m not sure DH was going to bother.

Yes, I did and our kids weren't tiny so maybe that's a factor too.

Tacotortoise · 10/12/2023 10:16

YANBU not to be wanted to be taken for granted and for wanting him to pull his weight at home and with the children. I'd suggest though you don't tie that to his behaviour last night when you come to tackle it.

VanityDiesHard · 10/12/2023 10:06

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:33

No, not really @LusaBatoosa nobody is.

You sound very difficult and self pitying. I feel sorry for your husband.

Imagwine · 10/12/2023 10:00

I think he was actually being considerate asking the op what he should do, because he knows he messed up by being late. He was having a good time. Presumably he didn’t hear the phone ringing in a busy bar.
It’s a one off. Let that go. Tackle the other issues separately.

zingally · 10/12/2023 09:56

He wouldn't be the first person to miss the last train, and he won't be the last. Especially when out having a good time with friends. A bit silly, yes. Completely disrespectful, definitely not.

You're over-reacting. You say you've been together 10 years, and this is the first time it's happened. Give him a break. You are letting old negative experiences with a completely different partner tarnish your view.

BMWM340 · 10/12/2023 09:56

Blink1880 · 10/12/2023 09:52

For anyone who thinks this isn’t somewhat controlling - turn it around

I was out later than expected, from 11pm my phone started running incessantly with dh wanting to know where I was. I missed a few calls then asked him if I could either get a cab or stay at a friends.

when I got home he came storming out of the house while I was paying the taxi

I know he had issues with an ex over ten years ago drinking, and he’s been having a hard time with family lately.

if someone wrote thst everyone would yelling LTB.

Completely agree

Beautiful3 · 10/12/2023 09:54

You said that he's never done it before, so I'd let it slide. I would have told him to kip at a mates, and come home the next day.

Blink1880 · 10/12/2023 09:52

For anyone who thinks this isn’t somewhat controlling - turn it around

I was out later than expected, from 11pm my phone started running incessantly with dh wanting to know where I was. I missed a few calls then asked him if I could either get a cab or stay at a friends.

when I got home he came storming out of the house while I was paying the taxi

I know he had issues with an ex over ten years ago drinking, and he’s been having a hard time with family lately.

if someone wrote thst everyone would yelling LTB.

Viviennemary · 10/12/2023 09:51

You are being ridiculous.

pictoosh · 10/12/2023 09:45

Fwiw I don't think you're controlling as such, you don't sound it.
I'm being blunt with you because you actually seem quite balanced and you have stuck up for yourself well. I think you can handle it.

Let this one go, have a lovely Sunday however you end up spending it.

NutellaRose · 10/12/2023 09:42

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:06

@bonzaitree its quite a bit in here with two full time jobs and three young kids.

You said earlier you are the wage earner, but this would suggest DH also has a full-time job. In which case I assume he doesn't just spend his time expecting you to look after the kids whilst he goes out on the rampage? Cut him some slack, if it's the first time in 10 years, it will probably be the last for another 10 years. I'm sure some women would envy you!

PaperDoIIs · 10/12/2023 09:38

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 08:44

Maybe i am controlling, I don’t think i am though. DH gets loads of time out, far more that I do, he’s away a lot doing his hobby, probably at least one overnight a month plus two training sessions each week, this I generally encourage because I know it’s good for him mentally and physically. Going out and getting too much to drink and not coming home when I’m there with his three children is a red line for me. Is it controlling that I encouraged him to go and drove 40 miles round trip to drop him off?

I did intervene with the taxi driver because I wanted the bloke to get paid. DH is poor with money and I suspected he hadn’t enough to pay but those who’ve said I should have kept out of it are right.

That's what the real issue is , isn't it? You're just focusing on last night because it's easier and more obvious.

What you really need to talk about is that he's taking you for granted and the lack of equality.

Denimdenimdenim · 10/12/2023 09:34

I say this gently (because my ex was an alcoholic and I understand it's awful) but, you can't punish him for your ex's behaviour, OP.

If it's a one off, I wouldn't get worked up about it. Explain your feelings but try not to be too harsh on him.

Edit - just seen your update. Glad you're feeling better this morning.

ActDottie · 10/12/2023 09:32

These things happen. I’ve missed trains before and stayed at friends. I couldn’t get worked up about this unless it’s a super regular occurrence.

parksandrecs · 10/12/2023 09:28

Goodness, surely you are not agreeing that they aren't doing much 'eclipsing' these days?!

Lovemusic82 · 10/12/2023 09:27

As it’s a one off I don’t really see the issue, tbh if he’s pissed he’s probably better staying out the way (I hate dealing with pissed people). I do get why your pissed off though.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:18

@crumblingschools no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:17

I will continue to control him by taking the kids out today so he can stay in bed with his hangover.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 09:17

Is he doing his fair share of parenting this morning?

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 09:15

BalloonSalesperson · 10/12/2023 00:52

I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him

Yeah but it's also ok to have a night off once every 10 years.

Read the thread. He has plenty of time off.

margotrose · 10/12/2023 09:15

I'm another that thinks you've overreacted though I do totally understand being pissed off and worried in the middle of the night. Things always seem worse then!

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 09:13

ACynicalDad · 10/12/2023 00:11

It’s an awful way to behave but I’d tell him to get a taxi home to end any fun and make him responsible for kids breakfasts.

Yes that's what I'd do.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 10/12/2023 09:09

Oh god it is easily done!

He's not expecting you to come and get him. He can get a bus or a taxi or a combination and still be around in the morning for the kids. He will just be a bit later home than planned.

If he's not doing this all the time then it really isn't a big deal.

It can be tricky if you are stuck with train times, it feels shit to be the first person to leave when the party is still in full swing and you are enjoying yourself. I have done it myself, checked the time, thought time for one more, then checked again and been too late for the train. I normally end up taking two buses and being colder and later in bed as a consequence.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:06

@bonzaitree its quite a bit in here with two full time jobs and three young kids.

OP posts: