Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
samqueens · 09/12/2023 21:50

Oh my God OP - please, for the sake of your well being and your children, end this relationship and ask this man to leave. There is nothing approaching acceptable or normal in this behaviour and the fact that your DP would make any attempt of any kind to justify it means it will never change. Your home should not be trashed, your children should not be witnessing this. It’s just terrible.

This is your home. This man and his son have no rights to it. Please call Women’s Aid for support and make a concrete plan as to how you will get him to leave.

Imagine a peaceful Christmas and new year, just you and your children… please don’t go on like this.

You might want to read the Lundy Bancroft books Why Does He Do That? (You can download on Apple Books/kindle app on your phone if your partner doesn’t have access to it).

Please don’t carry on living like this. You’re in an amazing position to have a home he doesn’t have control over - you can do this without him and your children will be so grateful not to have to witness this it must terrify them.

There’s lots of support here so keep posting and please - make a plan to be free of this.
Wishing you every shred of nerve and gumption you will need to put this behind you 💐💐💐

Neelsplace · 09/12/2023 21:49

Ah tell them both to fuck the fuck off out of your house. Live in peace.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:48

Onceuponaheartache · 09/12/2023 21:44

You need to get them both out of your home.

Call the police, call womens aid, call a friend with a burly bouncer esq husband, but get them out before this little bastard does worse to you or one of your kids.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at your kids school, they WILL help!!!

School are aware. They have referred for a youth worker. I told them he had hit me. Trapped me in a room. Punched me.
I said it in front of my partner. He was at the meeting. He never said it was my fault in front of the teachers. But as soon as we came out he said “why do you have to make him out to be a thug”
I hadn’t. I had told the truth.
I am fully aware that if I lie to school that’s a can of worms.

OP posts:
Katbum · 09/12/2023 21:47

The mess is one degree or another of normal teenage grossness. The violence needs immediate address and I can’t believe your DP is allowing this to continue. If it were me I would not be having that violence in my home/around my children and stepson would be out on his ear.

Grimbelina · 09/12/2023 21:47

If you can't do it for yourself (and you should) then you need to get both your partner and your son out of your house for the sake of your children. At least you aren't married and don't share a child, you can have a clean break, take care of your children.

They no doubt have some trauma from what they have experienced and you need to think about how you are going to keep them and yourself safe for the rest of their childhood (you can never let someone like this into your life again).

Call the police before something even worse happens. You owe this to your children.

StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 21:46

Onceuponaheartache · 09/12/2023 21:44

You need to get them both out of your home.

Call the police, call womens aid, call a friend with a burly bouncer esq husband, but get them out before this little bastard does worse to you or one of your kids.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at your kids school, they WILL help!!!

This is my point, OP - if the kid can do that to you he will think nothing of hurting your kids.

It's your job to protect them.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:45

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 21:41

I've got a scary feeling that the OP is just going to put the lid back on the can of worms that she has opened, and just go 'la la la can't hear you' to all of us. And something awful will happen, or a number of lives harmed.

@ButterCupPie I promise I am listening… I am reading everything and trying process it. I will not let this happen again.
I think I just needed to hear that my instinct was right.
when you are constantly fed a narrative of “this is your fault… this is normal” it is hard to see for the fog.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 21:45

Hard agree that you need to remove them from your home, OP.

Apart from, obviously, not being OK for you to be abused like that, it's awful that your kids have to see it/be around it. What an awful position they are in when another child can break their Mum's bones and it be hushed over and accepted!!

Put yourself and your kids first, OP. Call the Police if needed but get them out and change the locks.

Onceuponaheartache · 09/12/2023 21:44

You need to get them both out of your home.

Call the police, call womens aid, call a friend with a burly bouncer esq husband, but get them out before this little bastard does worse to you or one of your kids.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at your kids school, they WILL help!!!

Startyabastard · 09/12/2023 21:43

Women's aid!!!
It doesn't have to be your partner beating you up or making you afraid. I hope it gets better for you xxxx

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 21:41

I've got a scary feeling that the OP is just going to put the lid back on the can of worms that she has opened, and just go 'la la la can't hear you' to all of us. And something awful will happen, or a number of lives harmed.

Illbebythesea · 09/12/2023 21:41

@Marjoriesdoor i agree with you, the understanding needs to come from his father. Not OP.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 09/12/2023 21:40

@Mum2bambinos

I have (well, had) a very violent child. DS now 15 has severe ADHD and would smash his room up, repeatedly. Threatened me. Squared up to me. Vandalised his room, the house. Stole. Lied. It was hell from 12 to 14yrs.

At no point did he break my fingers. Or try and smash a TV over my head. Your stepson is so much worse. And I genuinely considered putting my own son in to temporary care, for the safety of myself and younger DC. So I do not sugarcoat my words or speak from inexperience when I say:

You need this man and his child out of your house. Immediately.

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 21:39

RudsyFarmer · 09/12/2023 19:51

Why in gods name are you letting a teenager beat you up in your own home and doing nothing about it?!!!! Tell them to get the FUCK out of your house.

Edited

THIS!!!!

Why in gods name are you LETTING A TEENAGER BEAT YOU UP IN YOUR OWN HOME AND DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT?!!!! Tell them to get the FUCK out of your house.

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 21:39

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread but OP you need to get this man and his son out of your house. He has assaulted you and your dp is allowing it to happen, your own dc are witnessing all this and are probably unhappy about the situation, this is there home and they (and you) should feel safe.

Do get help from women’s aid and do contact the police and report the assault. Get them out ASAP.

Bernardmanning · 09/12/2023 21:39

If he's hurt you seriously twice now and your DP is being defensive and therefore enabling this behaviour, then the pair of them should leave. Also, the rules don't have to be exactly fair with regards to chores given that your children are younger. Ordinarily I'd get them to repair the damage first, but given the violence, I would just ask them to leave. This will be upsetting your children more than you think..

Marjoriesdoor · 09/12/2023 21:39

@Illbebythesea I think the time for understanding is long gone. OP’s responsibility is to her own children. The boy’s father can delve into his longer term rehabilitation, in their new home where he won’t be a danger to these young children and their mother.

Ywudu · 09/12/2023 21:38

Echoing everyone else, you need to call the police and get them out. Your precious children are at risk of emotional and physical harm. This boy has broken your bones,what happens to your children if he kills you? Pushes you down the stairs in a rage or similar?
You can get protective orders to stop them going near you or the house. Contact the NCDV. The house is yours, you don't have children together and you're not married, you don't need to prove anything to anyone, the law is 100% on your side.

moonbeammagic · 09/12/2023 21:35

I feel so sorry for your children. Don't wait until they have been abused/assaulted, until DS starts copying DSS behaviour or until your children are removed from your home.

Illbebythesea · 09/12/2023 21:35

It is awful behaviour but clearly this teenager boy has a lot of issues. It’s not your responsibility but is his dad to fucking blind to see his son is clearly unhappy and needs help? There is 0 to gain from judging his behaviour & a lot more to gain in understanding it.

Toooldforthisshit49 · 09/12/2023 21:30

Please please get them out of your house, call the police or visit your nearest station. You cannot let your children keep being witness to this abusive behaviour, this is not normal and your partner is a massive d*ck if he doesn't sort his son out. Please get help you're definitely better off without them 💐

SmokySilverShine · 09/12/2023 21:29

phone the police, see if they will come round, and ask them both to leave.
Unsure if the police will assist you, but you never know.
kick them both out

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/12/2023 21:20

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 20:24

Sorry OP but your most important job in life is to protect your children. Having this teen in your life is risking their safety. I could not take a chance on this. What if he punched one of them in the side of the head? He is out of control and you cannot guarantee he will not do this.

You don't have to ring 999 but you can ring 101 or go to a police station to get support and advice. You need to get your partner and his son out of your house and you need police supervision to accomplish this safely. Your partner is not protecting you and your children but is prioritising his violent son. This is not acceptable. It may do him a favour having someone finally setting a clear limit on his behaviour, but that's not for you to worry about, you only need to think of yourself and your own children.

Sorry OP but your most important jobin life is to protect your children.

This.

You don't need any other reason to get this horrible pair out.

Your children are at risk.

Saz12 · 09/12/2023 21:18

Please phone the police.

He is refusing to move out of YOUR house. But whats much much worse is he is allowing you to be scared in YOUR home. And worse yet, he is allowing you to be injured (broken fingers????!!!!) by his son in YOUR home. This violence is absolutely not "typical" teenage behaviour. The state of his room, the damage his father allows him to do in your house - again, not normal behaviour.

Please get help to get them out.

Happilyobtuse · 09/12/2023 21:17

This is domestic violence and you do not have to put up with it. It is not your fault and there is nothing you could have said or done to make him justify breaking your fingers. He is an evil monster and will go on to hurt other people in his life if you don’t take action. Please go to the police, get both father and son out of your house and tell the police the truth about what he did to you. You owe it to yourself and your children. Be strong, you have got this.