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Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
DoodlesMam · 10/12/2023 01:16

Its time they both left YOUR HOME. You have been assaulted - that is a red line. Please take care of yourself.

MsLavender · 10/12/2023 01:02

Please don't put up with this behaviour. If you need to call the police to remove the pair of them then do so, your partner is gaslighting you by playing down this abuse and pinning the blame on you. Your children are witnessing this no doubt, I assume they to are afraid of him? You and your children deserve better than to be scared in your own home. I'm sorry but even if you're willing to put up with this shit you should be putting your children first and getting rid of your scumbag partner and his child.

billy1966 · 10/12/2023 00:46

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Notimeforaname · 10/12/2023 00:44

Your partner doesn't care about you. Get away from him and his son now, it will never get better.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/12/2023 00:41

None of your behaviour sounds unreasonable (except allowing this to run on as it has.)

It is not normal or acceptable teen behaviour... and it is not normal or acceptable for a partner to dismiss a physical assault on someone they love.

You are in danger from this out-of-control male (DP'sDS) and so are your children. People who get away with violence tend to get more violent. You are right to be afraid.

Your children will learn about relationships from what they see in your household. If you don't want them copying the older boy (or your DP's treatment of you) you need DP and his DS to leave.

You were assaulted - (you can show damage done to your house and even have the incidents of violence to you documented due to that meeting with school). If he won't move out - do contact the police for help. They can be an amazing support.

wronginalltherightways · 10/12/2023 00:11

You are raising your children in a violent home.

Please please please go to the police and/or call women's aid and ask for help in getting both of them out of your home. Please.

cherish123 · 10/12/2023 00:09

I would ask them to move out. You can still have a romantic relationship with your other half but live separately.

Coyoacan · 10/12/2023 00:06

Good luck OP. It is unusual to see such unanimity on mumsnet.

Bananalanacake · 10/12/2023 00:03

How long were you together when they moved in. Does your dp pay towards bills and food. You do not have DC together so there is no need for him to live with you, you can have a relationship without living together, but in this case he needs to be kicked out now.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 10/12/2023 00:01

This is painful to read. Please start disentangling your lives, if you have a joint account stop any direct debits or standing orders and open a separate account. Over the Christmas holidays get your children to friends or relatives, and tell someone you trust and have them come to stay with you. Then tell your partner and his son to leave, and have a locksmith ready. If he refuses, call the police and have him and son removed. Once the police have got them gone, give a full statement and detail the abuse, get a protection order against them.

Do not back down - it's a dreadful situation to be in, but you must MUST protect your children and yourself. It is only going to get worse, you need to act now.

Snowdogsmitten · 09/12/2023 23:58

Your partner is allowing his son to violently physically assault you, then he’s making excuses for said son, and he’s victim blaming you.

Get them both out, of both your home and your life.

cerisepanther73 · 09/12/2023 23:48

@Mum2bambinos

You need to end this so called relationship immediately ,

Your arsehole of a Partner does not care a shit about you,

He only gas lights in regards of his son because he can't be arsed to wake up to address his sons issues effectively,

It's not your responsibility to do this,

Your Arsehole of partner is only using you , It's convenient for him to have a partner to make life easier , tolerable for himself,

Kick both of them out and let your ex partner parent his son properly

He does not love you ,

make sure you have emergency locksmith to change your locks 🔒 permanently

If you carry on having these pair living with you,
he could well end up putting you in an early grave ..
F
His son is also a chip of the old block,

His son is an Arsehole aswell by the sounds of it,

what a dirty Shit he is, leaving his bodily fluids on the bed frame for you to clean up after him too,

2Hot2Handle · 09/12/2023 23:43

Sounds like a very scary and difficult situation, which is not going to get better until you do something, no matter how hard it feels it would be to do. I’m pretty sure you can have the police present when you are removing your DP and his son from your house.

How long before DP’s son physically hurts your children? He has probably already hurt them mentally. If you’re scared to do this for yourself, do it for them. Go to the police, explain the situation and ask what help you can have in removing these men from your lives.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 09/12/2023 23:34

This is one of the toughest threads to read!! Please op don’t put your head in the sand you need to keep you and your children safe!

Talk to the police and women’s aid and get a plan in place. Your ‘D’P is not a partner if he doesn’t support you after his own son has been violent and threatening to you.

I know your scared start small and make a phone call when you are safe … be the mumma bear your kids need 💕💕

SnakesandKnives · 09/12/2023 23:33

In the 5 hours since you posted this 1068 people have voted and 1046 are saying this isn’t right and this isn’t normal.

you say you’re scared and feeling like it might be your fault. It isn’t. Even if it IS then it changes nothing frankly - you haven’t physically abused anyone. I don’t see why, if he’s willing to break your fingers, he won’t hit one of your children. Please do something before it gets worse.

Iamnotalemming · 09/12/2023 23:25

This is horrible. Completely inexcusable behaviour.
Since you know they need to leave and will not go voluntarily you need a plan to make it happen. Get the help you need and make it happen. Do it for your DC.
Do you share finances? Make sure he can't empty your joint account if there is one.
Good luck 💐

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 23:25

@Mum2bambinos

I will not let this happen again.

But I think you know that it WILL happen again if you don't get both of them out of your house. The son may be the one who hits you, but his father is condoning it. By blaming you for riling his son up and saying you treat him unfairly, he is excusing and condoning his son's behaviour. Therefore his son will also blame you and excuse his own behaviour. It is a vicious cycle and next time you may end up with more than 'just' broken fingers. His violence may cost you your life. I'm not being histrionic. I have had someone in my life killed due to domestic violence. She was also told it was her fault he got angry and excuses were made for his violence, too.

I think I just needed to hear that my instinct was right.

I get that. We all want reassurance when we're contemplating a 'drastic' action. Well, I think you've had enough reassurance on this thread to last you a lifetime. But I'll say it again; you are right, your instincts are right on the money.

I told them he had hit me. Trapped me in a room. Punched me.

See, you CAN speak your truth! You told the school, now tell the police. In fact, I'm surprised the school didn't tell the police, or SS. And also consider this. If somehow it's 'officially' decided that this young man is a danger, it also may be decided that he poses a threat to your children. And you know what the next step after that is, right? Either he leaves or your children do. Don't wait for that, take action now.

But as soon as we came out he said “why do you have to make him out to be a thug”

My answer would have been "Because he IS a thug". This boy may have issues or MH concerns but that is no reason for his father to take it out on you when you tell the truth.

And in the wise words of Christopher Robin: "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, & smarter than you think."

Cattenberg · 09/12/2023 23:23

I agree that your ‘D’P and his son need to leave. As one is violent and the other has refused to leave, I think you’ll need professional help to get them out whilst keeping you and your children safe. Please speak to the police and/or Women’s Aid.

ShouldGoToBed · 09/12/2023 23:22

If he says you’ll have to call the police to get me out, just do that. You and your children deserve to feel safe in the home you have worked so hard for. Your partner is a POS for allowing this to happen to you and then BLAMING you. This is so horrible and you have to be strong and get them both out.

Redburnett · 09/12/2023 23:13

Two cocklodgers for the price of one.

Caerulea · 09/12/2023 23:11

Get your phone, pre-dial 999, tell that piece of shit adult man & his violent son to get the Fuck out of your house & when he says 'no' you walk away into a room with your children, shut the door, barricade it & press 'call'.

You are not safe. Your children are not safe. You won't stop it happening again & it's only a matter of time before your kids are assaulted or you're assaulted again. You do not deserve this, you did nothing wrong, have DONE nothing that justifies assault. Actual. Fucking. Assault.

Adulting101 · 09/12/2023 23:10

100% you should ask him to move out with his son. This behaviour is making YOU feel scared and threatened in your own home as an adult! Imagine how scared your sons must feel as vulnerable children. Even if not for you please ask your partner and his son to leave for them! This sounds very abusive. I'm sorry you have to experience this. It's hard but your partner should NOT be tolerating this violent behaviour.

Namechange666 · 09/12/2023 23:07

What the heck have I just read?

You're being abused in your own house and your dp is complicit!

Kick them both out and end it. Bet your poor kids are on egg shells. You don't deserve it. You've done your bit, tell your dp to find somewhere else to live (scrounge off) the absolute audacity.

FlamingoQueen · 09/12/2023 23:07

I hope you have called the police, if that’s the only way to get them out of your home. Don’t forget to change the locks.

SlightlyJaded · 09/12/2023 23:02

"I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave, you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do."

Hang on....

Your DP said this? Not the DSS? The DP? Yes?

Are you scared of the DP as well OP? Because if I asked a partner to leave and they refused - I would read that as extremely controlling and abusive.

If you want them out, and he refuses to take his son and leave, then you have n p choice but to call the police. I know that seems frightening, but you do really REALLY need to get this two arseholes out of your home and your children's lives now.