Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 10/12/2023 05:25

@Mum2bambinos pls call the police.

Tell them you have been physically assaulted and are now being mentally abused.

They will come, they will ask your DP and his son to leave.

Change the locks, get CCTV.

Be rid of these vermin.

Big hug and good luck xxx

PieAndLattes · 10/12/2023 05:18

OP, I really feel for you and your children. You need to get those two awful people out of your home. I would contact Women’s Aid and the police so you can do it in as safe and final way as possible. It sounds like the father is as abusive in his own way as the son, and your own kids shouldn’t have to suffer it, or believe in any way that it’s normal.

SunshineYay · 10/12/2023 05:11

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

Why wouldn't you ring the police? Ring them! Do you have any family members or friends that could be there whilst you ask the two to leave? This is your house and it's not great for your sons' development to witness this violence against their mum in their own home.

Nanaof1 · 10/12/2023 05:06

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

The fact that not only is your NVDSS a violent, uncontrollable brat but your NVDP is no better. He is trying to force you to keep him around, therefore keeping you and your children in his and his violent offspring's prison.

You say you are trying your best? Horse-hockey! If you were trying your best, you would have already called the police and gotten those violent, unstable people away from your children.

When will you act? When the SS does something to one of your children? Kills the dog, kills someone? Or when your DP "punishes" you for not kow-towing to his violent offspring?

Trying your best? GMAFB. If this isn't a wind-up or a bad joke, your children should be removed from your house until it is safe for them to live a normal life.

IF you love your children at all, you will call Women's Aid AND the police and get those two out of your house and out of your life. Before it's too late and we all get to read about the tragedy at your house.

cerisepanther73 · 10/12/2023 05:03

@Mum2bambinos

Ignore the two posters who said if you want to, you can maintain in contact with a relantship with Dp after kicking then both out,

Why on earth would you want anything to do with either of them?

I can guarantee their emotional and psychological, even nervous system damage will be having an effect on your children, witnessing the trauma of all this,
this can potentially last a life time.

andyourpointiswhat · 10/12/2023 04:55

They both need to leave your house, now. Change locks, put their stuff out, do what you need to do to reclaim your home and keep yourself and your kids safe.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 10/12/2023 04:53

Kick them both out immediately. Change the locks. If you lack the courage and intestinal fortitude to do it for your own physical, mental, emotional well-being then at least do it for your young DC. They could be next.

Don't lie about anything else or it will come back to bite you. You need to maintain an honest narrative as they both will gaslight you and others to keep that house and you under their control.

RiderofRohan · 10/12/2023 04:44

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:48

School are aware. They have referred for a youth worker. I told them he had hit me. Trapped me in a room. Punched me.
I said it in front of my partner. He was at the meeting. He never said it was my fault in front of the teachers. But as soon as we came out he said “why do you have to make him out to be a thug”
I hadn’t. I had told the truth.
I am fully aware that if I lie to school that’s a can of worms.

Show quote history

So some guy you aren't married to and his son currently lodge in your house. They verbally, emotionally and physically abuse you. You have two young, vulnerable children who are likely getting caught in the crossfire and it's only a matter of time before the abuse trickles down to them (if it hasn't already). This will likely have lasting effects on them and their future/personalities.

Exactly why haven't you called the police?

Panaa · 10/12/2023 04:35

The room thing is pretty normal.
The violence is absolutely not typical teenage behaviour, your 'D'P is an absolute cunt to try to make out that that's normal and that it's your fault and that you should put up with it, did he behave like that when he was younger?

Why does the son not live with his mother? Was he violent towards her? Or could it be possible that your partner was abusive to his ex and that their son witnessed it?

Sceptre86 · 10/12/2023 04:02

You need help from somewhere. Do you have any family or close friends that you can confide in? I'd call the police and report his behaviour towards you and his dad's. I'd ask for help from them to get them out of your home. I'd also ask them where else you can get help and support so they might be able to point you in the right direction so women's aid for example if its appropriate. I'd speak to your kid's school and ask if they have a family support worker who can give you some idea of where you can get help. This is abuse op and you need to get a plan in place.

Tbh I'd be inclined to change the locks when they are out of the and have a family member come stay with you for a few days. If you don't have any local support and moving away is an option, I'd take it.

You deserve better than this as do your children. Your house doesn't sound like a pleasant home at the minute. Once they are out of the home and your life you've got to be firm. Block on phone and social media and don't accept another man or his children into your home. Put your own kids first. This guy will try and guilt trip you but quite frankly his kid isn't your problem. His behaviour needs dealt with by his own parent. Your priority is your own kids. I'd speak to their school to make sure your partner isnt allowed to pick them up from school.

Maybe get some counselling after to talk about boundaries and self worth. I appreciate counselling isnt simple or easy to get but you've been bullied, abused and hurt and could probably do with talking it all through with someone in a safe place.

emsf89 · 10/12/2023 03:39

Throw the abusive kid out, his dad or mum can be responsible for accommodation for him. You don't need to be experiencing that, nor do your little kids need to be witnessing the aftermath.
He needs professional help. Not normal behaviour or teen tantrums. Dangerous. I say this as a person who disappeared acouple dags in a row as a teen, so I was a trouble, a dickhead, but never violent, unacceptable especially as you've other kids and he doesn't understand what he has done.

EtiennePalmiere · 10/12/2023 03:35

He broke your bones in your own home ???? Get them out !

emsf89 · 10/12/2023 03:25

Your little kids shouldn't havevto see a power play between you and their brother. He is abusive to you, his bio dad has to get him to wise the fuck up he isnt a little kid. He lives respectably with yous or has to stay elsewhere if he is going to be violent and abusive. Teenage rage is normal, but not like this. If he is going to be a bad influence to his siblings maybe he should live with his mum or have his dad be more strict if not possible

edit, sorry get out of this situation while in mediation, if it's possible, or possibly nit within realms of discussion.

Jk8 · 10/12/2023 02:56

Honestly at this point I'd be selling the house (just to avoid conflict & move away from the bad memories) & moving with your kids somewhere else. Also contact the police to report this is happening & go as far as to request a liaison officer if necessary to safely help you pack your stuff these are abusive people & they (he) will kill you & in the mean time your relationship is over

Louise303 · 10/12/2023 02:41

I would kick your partner and his son out you are not a punchbag protect yourself and your children.

tkwal · 10/12/2023 02:26

This isn't just a bit of shouting and stomping about , this is abuse and it needs to be dealt with. You need to feel safe in your own home and be supported by those who live with you. You should have called the police and its still not too late to do so. Your own children are at risk . I would be concerned about the lack of support from your partner too. Honestly , I'd advise speaking with Social Services local family support and intervention team if you don't want to go along the path of throwing them both out immediately

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 10/12/2023 02:06

To say he only hit you because you went in his room is a disgraceful comment for him to make! It’s NEVER ok to hit someone.

I WOULDNT TOLERATE THIS FOR ONE SECOND.

Reclaim some respect and show your kids how you expect to be treated!

LaurieStrode · 10/12/2023 01:57

AliceOlive · 10/12/2023 01:45

Also, if you feel you can’t look after yourself, just look after your own children. This is not a safe environment for them. Put them before everything.

Exactly. How can your maternal instincts not be kicking in 1000?

Ffs!

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 01:47

As everyone has said.

You are not the problem here.

They are two abusive violent men.

Call the police and have them put out.

AliceOlive · 10/12/2023 01:45

Also, if you feel you can’t look after yourself, just look after your own children. This is not a safe environment for them. Put them before everything.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2023 01:26

This man targeted you. Groomed you. He doesn’t care about you. All he cares is that he has a roof over his head and a woman to look after his child. He’s a parasite. They’re both parasites.

Call the police. Get him out. Change the locks.

AliceOlive · 10/12/2023 01:18

Ring the police.

and stop caring if it’s your fault or not. (It’s absolutely not). You are not compatible with this man. You don’t enjoy his company. (Putting it mildly.) You don’t need any reason beyond wanting him out to get him out.

DoodlesMam · 10/12/2023 01:18

get them both out and change the locks - restraining order if needed. Your safety is important. xx

hellsBells246 · 10/12/2023 01:17

he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit

You should have called the police.

Your 'partner' is useless and a shit parent.

This kid will carry on behaving like this and if he is violent to his girlfriend, for example, what will happen?

Get your cocklodger bf and his violent son out of your home. Keep your dd safe.

Then do the Freedom Programme. Why do you think this is normal?? It's far from normal.