Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Bobsyouraunty · 11/12/2023 13:24

Hope you’re ok op - Is there any update?

FinallyHere · 11/12/2023 07:06

he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.

Honestly, lovely @Mum2bambinos take him at his word. Call the police and ask for their help in getting them out. Sadly, the police are very experienced in domestic violence

He doesn't think you will be up to calling on the police for help, because he thinks he has you where he wants you and can get away with anyone Prove him wrong by getting him out.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

This is a result of the abuse. Everything will be much, much simpler once you get them out of your house. Imagine the relief of going back to being just your family and safe from violence in your own home.

2boyzNosleep · 11/12/2023 00:02

This is not normal behaviour. It is abuse, and very worrying. The physical attacks are one thing, but also leaving his bodily fluids around in that way- (on the bedframe?!) is ringing alarm bells.

Your children are your priority, if he is like this to you, I dread to think what your children are going through.

They are way more vulnerable and I highly doubt that DSS or DP haven't done anything to them.

You haven't mentioned the effect any of this has has on them, whether DSS has done something to them or if you suspect if he's done anything to them.

Don't just think violence is the only concern,verbal and emotional abuse is at risk here, and possibly sexual. There is a high chance your SS is doing something, or will, to your children to spite you.

To some extent I understand that you may be confused/self doubt, but now is time for urgent action.

Call the police and call social services. You need to act now for their safety and yours.

LBFseBrom · 10/12/2023 23:30

MrsMarzetti · 10/12/2023 20:27

Mum2bambinos I hope you haven't updated because you have been busy with the Police and not because you are burying your head in the sand. It will be to late if you wake up tomorrow and your Daughter has been harmed. I am hoping and praying you have found the strength to protect your children.

I hope the same.

MrsMarzetti · 10/12/2023 20:27

Mum2bambinos I hope you haven't updated because you have been busy with the Police and not because you are burying your head in the sand. It will be to late if you wake up tomorrow and your Daughter has been harmed. I am hoping and praying you have found the strength to protect your children.

DeadbeatYoda · 10/12/2023 20:14

Please listen to the many people who are concerned for your safety. This is not normal teenage boy behaviour. I have 19 & 16 yr old ds's and neither them or any of their friends would dream of behaving this way.
Your dp is abusing you as is his son. Your own children will be next ( to receive the abuse or become the abusers) unless you stop this now.

Marcipex · 10/12/2023 18:04

Please get help to make them leave. Call the police, get them out, change the locks.

Ivymom · 10/12/2023 16:30

Incase you are thinking to minimize your partner’s role in your abuse, please understand that he isn’t just a bystander. He is using his son as a tool to abuse you. He isn’t neutral and it isn’t just between you and his son. He gets enjoyment out of seeing his son assault you and it keeps you in his control. He is insidious. He knows that if he broke your fingers, it would be obvious that he was an abuser and easier for you to involve the police and end things with him.

StripeyDeckchair · 10/12/2023 15:19

This is horrendous behaviour

DP & his DS need to move out ASAP

You need to protect your children & explain that DP DSs behaviour is not normal, it is abusive & that is why they are/ have moved out.
I bet your poor kids are scared shitless of him.
If you do nothing do not be surprised when your kids start behaving in the same way

Keeva2017 · 10/12/2023 14:34

If this is real I hope op comes back and let’s us know her and her children are safe.

REP22 · 10/12/2023 13:05

When it happens again - and, sadly, it will - please do not hesitate in calling the Police. Make sure you have a fully charged mobile phone on you all the time and have a room you can lock yourself into. Phone the Police.

Asking them to leave won't work - they have no respect for you or regard for your feelings. You have asked them to leave. They are still there.

And, if you want to look at it in another way, Police involvement may be the catalyst for getting the boy the help he needs.

I said it before upthread, but I will say it again now. There is a strong likelihood that this boy will kill you. Or permanently disable you, and/or one of your children. You have to stop this.

Best wishes and stay safe.

LaurieStrode · 10/12/2023 12:52

Bananalanacake · 10/12/2023 11:30

I don't know how long you were together when he moved in, could have been less than a year or 2 years. But what if you had said to him 'I don't want us to move in until my DC have both left home' Would he have agreed or gone to look for someone else to use as a live in housekeeper. There was a thread last week where people were saying how it's much better to live apart when you have DC, or even if you don't .

If I had been in your dc's position, (my mum letting 2 abusive virtual strangers move in to my safe space) I would be moving out into a cheap as poss house share at 18 and cutting contact.

This x1000

Pinkfluff76 · 10/12/2023 12:52

Sorry ‘you’ve been gas lighted for so long’

Pinkfluff76 · 10/12/2023 12:52

Thinking of you OP. The problem is definitely not you. I’m sure it must be really hard as you’ve gas lighted for so long. I hope you find the strength and help you need to get rid of them. Sending love and good luck 🩵

Angelsrose · 10/12/2023 12:36

I really do not want to criticise you op as you sound extremely vulnerable. However I can't understand why people think it's ok to live this way. You are experiencing domestic violence from your DSS and your partner is condoning it so is complicit. Why are these people still in your house? Do you think it is normal and OK for your own children to be exposed to this level of violence towards their mother? I can understand that you feel defeated by the situation but you and your children need a clean break from your awful partner and his child. Please escape this terrible situation before something awful and irreversible happens.

HoobleDooble · 10/12/2023 12:33

Do you have anyone nearby who can come round while you tell him and his son to pack and leave? I was in an abusive relationship when I first bought my house but, fortunately I have some good friends with big husbands who were more than willing to help him leave my property when he was refusing to go.

StrawberryWater · 10/12/2023 12:04

Your poor kids.

Kick these losers out.

IVbumble · 10/12/2023 11:58

Today if you only do one thing check out this. You are exactly right that it's so hard to work out what is up and what is down when you have been unknowingly coerced for so long.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Remember that if your DC witness abuse it is the same as them being abused.

The Freedom Programme Online Course

The Freedom Programme online course. Online version of the Home Study course and Living with the Dominator book by Pat Craven

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Keepinmovin · 10/12/2023 11:38

Teenage boys can be gross and not wash/clean room/rewear underpants. This is manageable stuff.

Teenage boys should absolutely not be violent to the extent of breaking someone's fingers. Doesn't matter who or which room you are in.That is assault. Plain and simple.

This stops now. DP cannot refuse to leave the house that YOU own. This stepson is a threat to you and your children. If he has the ability and inclination to harm you then he could harm them. If nothing else motivates you to deal with this - the prospect of that should.

Bananalanacake · 10/12/2023 11:30

I don't know how long you were together when he moved in, could have been less than a year or 2 years. But what if you had said to him 'I don't want us to move in until my DC have both left home' Would he have agreed or gone to look for someone else to use as a live in housekeeper. There was a thread last week where people were saying how it's much better to live apart when you have DC, or even if you don't .

If I had been in your dc's position, (my mum letting 2 abusive virtual strangers move in to my safe space) I would be moving out into a cheap as poss house share at 18 and cutting contact.

madmumofteens · 10/12/2023 11:11

That is horrendous OP for your safety and the wellbeing of your own children you have to get them both out of your house asap his father his excusing his behaviour and minimising the violence towards you phone the police you deserve to feel safe in your own home 💐

tortiecat · 10/12/2023 11:05

Please, please ring the police and get this man and his son out of your home. It is over Flowers

user1471556818 · 10/12/2023 11:00

Why are you putting your children at risk .He assaults you , you don't do anything about it, lie about it .
Hes got issues and needs help .Dad's sounds scared as well so how are your kids feeling .
Report him to the police .Get them out the house ASAP and absolutely ignore his room do many bigger issues going on

zingally · 10/12/2023 10:52

A 16yo lad, who isn't yours, assaulted you (repeatedly) and is still living there? Fuck that for a month of Sundays.

He'd be right on out, and his dad too. What happens when he does it to his younger siblings?

From how his dad has reacted, it sounds like two peas in a pod. And if the dad won't help you protect your house and other children from this filthy violent yobbo, you need to.

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 10:51

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

It is YOUR house and you are not married. If you need to call the police to get rid of your abusive boyfriend and his abusive son, then CALL THEM.

Your partner’s son is abusive because he has learned that behaviour from your partner. Do you want your own children to learn that from them too? You and your children are at serious risk from both your stepson and your partner. You must - MUST - get rid of them. This is a horrifically dysfunctional and dangerous situation for you and your kids.