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Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
MaidOfSteel · 09/12/2023 20:35

You are not the problem, OP! Please know this.

Couldyounot · 09/12/2023 20:34

I seem to remember that breaking someone's bones classed as GBH. You need to get the nasty little wanker and his sperm donor out of your house asap.

Denimdenimdenim · 09/12/2023 20:32

Absolutely not. I wouldn't allow them to live with me.

EvilElsa · 09/12/2023 20:32

Trust me, these things do stick with kids -I remember my Dad having an affair (multiple actually) and him and my mum screaming at each other while I sat on the stairs. I was 6. It stays with you. I'm 42 and can remember like it was yesterday.

WhickDittington · 09/12/2023 20:32

Is this anyway to bring up your DC?

Delphinium20 · 09/12/2023 20:29

Your DP has gaslit you into believing this is your fault. If you read your posts about someone else, you'd agree that no woman who asks, nags or even shouts at a 16 yr old male teen to clean his room in her house deserves a beating. No woman. No matter WHAT she says. No matter if she goes into a teen's room. There is no excuse for his violence.

Keeva2017 · 09/12/2023 20:29

6 pages of every poster imploring you not to keep failing your children and yourself?

Your children are most likely already going to need support from the harm you've exposed them to, take action.

Megifer · 09/12/2023 20:29

It will be your beautiful precious children who they abuse next op.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2023 20:28

Call the police. You are being abused. Your children need to be protected.

Gcsunnyside23 · 09/12/2023 20:28

Think of your young children watching all this and probably scared he might hurt them too. You need to change the locks and call the police. I really hope you get out of this situation. Yes the boy needs help but his father doesn't seem to want to and it's not up to you to do it

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 20:28

Oh OP Sad

Please just take that first step and I promise the rest will work out.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 20:27

So when he broke your fingers, did you really think that it was your fault, OP?

What was your family like when you were growing up?

What was your children's father like?

Do you have good female friends?

1983Louise · 09/12/2023 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EvilElsa · 09/12/2023 20:25

You MUST get out of this relationship. You need to be strong for your children -you are living with two abusers, one who broke your fingers and thought nothing of it. Will you be able to forgive yourself if he does the same to one of your children?
Call his bluff and ring the police. If asked, tell the truth about your injuries. They need to leave. Do it for your kids.

RedToothBrush · 09/12/2023 20:25

DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me.

Your husband comparing a 16 year old to a 10 and 11 year old? And saying that the 16 year old should have his step mother tidy his room? This is what your partner sees you as - a skivvy to clean up and it's fine to disrespect.

Then when asked to leave he makes you tell him it's not your house because it makes him feel like a lodger.

Yep he's a lodger. A cocklodger. He's abusive and so is his son. Involve the police.

Snowdogsmitten · 09/12/2023 20:24

Get your partner and his appalling offspring out of your lovely home. They’re ruining it, and your life.

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 20:24

Sorry OP but your most important job in life is to protect your children. Having this teen in your life is risking their safety. I could not take a chance on this. What if he punched one of them in the side of the head? He is out of control and you cannot guarantee he will not do this.

You don't have to ring 999 but you can ring 101 or go to a police station to get support and advice. You need to get your partner and his son out of your house and you need police supervision to accomplish this safely. Your partner is not protecting you and your children but is prioritising his violent son. This is not acceptable. It may do him a favour having someone finally setting a clear limit on his behaviour, but that's not for you to worry about, you only need to think of yourself and your own children.

Xmasinfrance · 09/12/2023 20:24

For the sake of your own DCs and yourself you need to call the police ASAP OP!

Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2023 20:22

Police without a doubt OP. They need to get out - they are using and abusing you awfully.

Nongatron · 09/12/2023 20:20

Dear op please ,please take action. Like everyone else on this thread I am imploring you to do whatever you need to do to get these two toxic people out of your home. I have no doubt the 16 year old needs specialist professional support but that is not your responsibility. Your priority is the safety of your kids and yourself.
Phone the police and get them removed asap

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 20:20

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 20:11

@Mum2bambinos

he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.

Serious question and I'm NOT being snarky: Why wouldn't you?

Why would you tolerate anyone ruining the wonderful home you worked so hard for? Why are you allowing someone to physically harm you? Why are you allowing someone to treat you with such contempt and disrespect? And by 'someone' I mean both of them.

Please take a moment to think about what your own children are seeing and hearing. Think about how they feel, what they are learning.

Go to the police station, speak to a community officer or whatever you call the officers who handle domestic issues. Explain the situation and ask them what they can do to help you remove these two assholes from your home. Then do it. Send your two DC to a friend or relatives house to get them out of the house, then just do it.

@AcrossthePond55

the answer to all of those questions is because I am scared. Worried. Self doubting. convinced by others that the problem is me

OP posts:
HMW1906 · 09/12/2023 20:19

Why are you choosing to put your own children through this living situation?? Your partner obviously does not care what his son does so why are they still there? Is your relationship with your partner really more important than your children’s happiness?? Get your partner and step son out of your house now!

Lavenderflower · 09/12/2023 20:18

This sounds like an abusive situation - I rarely advise people to leave their partners but this sounds like a very unsafe situation for you and you children. People who hit their parents are dangerous people. Most criminal wouldn't dare hit their mother - even law enforcement know that a person is dangerous if the parent in scared of them.

uuughhhshsh · 09/12/2023 20:17

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Is he also abusing your children?

You do realise that if your children report what has been happening at home to someone at school, SS will get involved and your children will be taken away from you and into care? Because that’s what will happen.

Wait until they are both out. Phone the police and report everything. Stick all of their stuff in bin bags, dump it outside and change the locks. They need to go ASAP, you and your children are in real, physical danger.

Your poor kids deserve so much better than this. You do too, but they have no choices in their living arrangements. You do. Make the right ones and protect them.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2023 20:17

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 20:10

i told them I hurt my fingers playing rugby with the kids in the garden.
I know I shouldn’t have lied. But I didn’t know what to say.

Show quote history

You tell the truth and get ss to help remove both of them

The 16yr old needs intervention to address this

Hiding it to yourself helps no one
You and your dc are in a dangerous situation
Get out now