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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go out so often??

60 replies

LG123 · 07/12/2023 21:18

Either my mum sits or I have a regular babysitter who I've used for 2 years.

I tend to go out twice a week, I'm a lone parent with no father involvement to 2 children.

Both a usually in bed by the time I go out (not all) but everyone that sees me seems to think I should be at home 24 fecking 7 and I'm sick to the back teeth of the judgy comments and opinions - ARE YOU LOOKING AFTER MY CHILDREN? NO! SO KEEP YOUR FUCKING OPINIONS TO YOURSELF AND MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

OP posts:
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DGPP · 08/12/2023 07:57

I go out twice a week. My kids are great. The idea that there’s anything wrong with going out of your kids are cared for is ludicrous

Landaf · 08/12/2023 07:52

I have never been out since I had my DC, and actually for a long time before that. What surprises me is how many people think this is okay. There is a real culture of martyrdom around motherhood.

Being stuck at home with DC has left me with poor social skills and cognitive decline. My DC are far too old to need a babysitter now but I've nobody to go out with. A couple of years ago I ended up with a situation where one child had a scheduled appointment in one hospital and one was in A&E in a completely different area and I had literally nobody I could ask to help out. I know on mumsnet nobody ever asks for help and manages just fine but in reality land that isn't the case.

It is vItal that you build and maintain your support networks. You do this by seeing people. There's a strong undertone that you are not supposed to enjoy life once you have children. I know I have been a total misery guts since I have had mine and it has had a negative effect on them.

It is important as your children get older that they can see you as a human being with a life of your own. It will help them to value you as a person and not their servant. It will help them not to be selfish.

And all these caveats like yes, its fine for you to go out occasionally as long as you don't get blind drunk. Why do people need to say that? Its the assumption that if you want to go out at all there must be more to it.

You often see on here disbelief when a poster says they have no friends or family, nobody at all. Yet this is how it happens.

Being a lone parent is so isolating, especially if you are younger. Ask why people want you to be more isolated.

fuckssaaaaake · 08/12/2023 07:18

lucya66 · 08/12/2023 07:05

I remember my single mum going out regularly, drinking. I used to wait until she got home before I could fall asleep.

Hers fall asleep first (mostly) keep up dear!

PixiePirate · 08/12/2023 07:15

If you were a man people would think you’re amazing and deserve to let off steam. A woman’s place is in the wrong and all that.

You’re leaving your children with a family member that you trust and that loves your children. Good parenting isn’t about martyrdom - modelling self-care is important alongside all the other bits. Good on you.

Riverstep · 08/12/2023 07:15

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:08

But they're mostly in bed. What quality time is she getting sat downstairs whilst they sleep?

Show quote history

When our children reached school age, they had later nights at weekends and we had movie nights etc. Time together. Not saying that any parent should never go out anywhere - I actually think having child free time is really important. But if a parent was going out every Friday and Saturday night, yes I would wonder why.

fuckssaaaaake · 08/12/2023 07:14

I'm out once or twice a week. Dad at home, he goes probably once a month as he's not as social as I am. Kids always asleep and it's the only way I'll see the other people I love as work loooong hours . Also it's fun

lucya66 · 08/12/2023 07:05

I remember my single mum going out regularly, drinking. I used to wait until she got home before I could fall asleep.

Lucytheloose · 08/12/2023 07:04

Tell your critics there was a shortage of staff when you gave birth, so you missed out on the compulsory post-natal lobotomy.

43ontherocksporfavor · 08/12/2023 07:03

If they are in bed and your mum is genuinely happy to regularly sit then I don’t see a problem.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 08/12/2023 07:00

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:11

Agree it's a mixture of martyrdom and jealousy.

Oh I'd never go out and leave my children alone (with a safe adult) because I like to stare at them whilst they sleep or sit contemplatively down stairs thinking only of them and what sacrifice I can make to show my love!!!

OR

I never get a night off, why do you get so many when they're Dad isn't even around! How dare you get so much love and support off people!!

😂there is a lot of truth in this.

NewbieSM · 08/12/2023 06:30

Well based on the fact the kids are mostly in bed while you're out I say crack on! Why do you have sit by yourself every night once the kids are asleep and do nothing fun just because you're a single parent? Good for you, prioritise your own happiness and you will be a better parent in the long run.

Sounds like the judgmental people in your life are just jealous.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/12/2023 06:24

And 2 days a week is not too often. Screw anyone that says it is. When you're at home with someone else you get adult conversation. On your own it's just the tv or a good book.

If you went out for 2 full days and someone else did the school drop off, pick up, fed them, and put them to bed, it STILL wouldn't be too much, because quite frankly that's what a hell of a lot of fathers do!

So fuck 'em Op!!!!

Benibidibici · 08/12/2023 06:21

People are probably just gobsmacked you've got the energy, particular if your kids are young. Its not uncommon to fall into bed exhausted at 9pm when juggling work and young kids.

A lot of single parents also simply can't afford one night out a month let alone 2 every week, it can cost £50 a time easily including babysitting, so people might be jealous you are managing it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/12/2023 06:21

"Oh? I didn't notice your social life stopping when you had children? I guess it's your wife that sits at home 7 days a week then? Poor thing..," <saccharine smile>

Celebrationsnakes · 08/12/2023 06:17

Fionaville · 07/12/2023 22:19

As you're asking, I think it's too often. But you do you.

I agree with this. I wouldn't make my feelings known to you though unless you asked.

Fivepigeons · 08/12/2023 01:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable. As a married woman with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way, I still do lots of things I'm interested in because I've got my husband there to watch the kids. If I want to go see a film or go pick something up from the shop I wait till my husband is there and say 'I'm just popping out for a couple of hours' Occasionally I'll go to a friends night out or something and be gone all night... and in return I watch the kids for him if there's something he wants to do.
As a single parent with no involvement from dad you don't have that.. you don't even have the option to let dad take over the bedtime routine an extra night coz you are feeling worn down and need some alone time...
On a day to day level it's 24/7 for you.
So of course its fine to get your mum to help and get a babysitter sometimes!!
Can't believe some of the responses here...

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2023 01:11

If you were a single dad then you'd be told you deserve those two nights out and aren't you such a good dad having them on your own the rest of the time.

YANBU.

QueenBitch666 · 08/12/2023 01:06

LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:52

@QueenBitch666 it is mostly men 🙌🏻

Why am I not surprised...

Fionaville · 08/12/2023 00:14

LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:54

@Fionaville such a martyr 😘

Why ask, then insult anyone who answers honestly?
I'm hardly a martyr, I just partied hard before I settled down, so now I'm happy to stay in more. To me, the natural order is to party before you have kids, then settle down while they are young (still going out, just not twice a week) then do what you like when they've grown up. I know that isn't everyone's way, which is why I said 'You do you'

Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:54

@Fionaville such a martyr 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:53

@gherkinmerkinn that's the sad thing about living in a small town...

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Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:52

@QueenBitch666 it is mostly men 🙌🏻

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samqueens · 07/12/2023 22:39

I’m so shocked that over half of respondents think you are being unreasonable!! I would love to know what percentage of those people are single/lone parents…

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the least (am assuming you’re compos mentis when you get home!) I also think, if you’ve never had to parent alone, you really have no concept of how relentless and draining it is. Far, far better 2 nights out a week as a regular pressure release, than complete burn out (which is really easy to get to really fast).

Pay absolutely zero attention to those people with the snide comments - better still try to avoid them completely if they are turning your ‘me time’ toxic.

It’s a marathon not a sprint - do what you can, and need, to do in order to hang in for the long haul. Even better, show your children as they get older that self care should not be bottom of anyone’s ‘to do’ list! 👏🏻

Fionaville · 07/12/2023 22:19

As you're asking, I think it's too often. But you do you.

gherkinmerkinn · 07/12/2023 22:14

So stop telling judgey fuckers your social plans then?

It's none of their business. Why are you telling people who give you 'stick' what your social plans are?

Don't expect arseholes to validate your choices - they won't.

Learn to validate yourself.

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