Nursery and 'Assertive DD' Comments

It sounds as if she is at a perfectly normal stage of play development for her age whilst being advanced in her language skills - good for her, she sounds lovely and not 'bratty' at all (what a vile thing to say about a toddler who is learning social interaction).
It isn't bossy to have an idea for a game and to try to get other children to play by handing out the resources, it is imaginative and proactive.

Does she know what the staff at nursery mean by 'kind words' have they explained it? Sounds a bit vague to me, why don't they say 'remember to say please when you ask for a toy darling' if she forgets ? And however well you have taught her, in the excitement of seeing the toys and wanting to play she will forget sometimes. Adults forget sometimes for goodness sake, and your little one is only two.

Yes, agreed. I thought one of mine (boys) was a bit bossy but no staff ever said anything whereas they did to a mum of a girl.

No but definitely has the potential to turn into one if it’s not managed.

A two year old does not have the cognitive ability to be a bully. That's ridiculous.

I dare say it will sort itself out when she gets to school and the other kids get fed up of being bossed around.

I would take that language to mean she's a bit of a bully tbh.

She sounds absolutely adorable, and just doing what happy toddlers do.

If you think about it, toddlers are always being told something (put your coat on, come over here, stop doing that etc), so if they have good language, it will reflect how they are spoken to, which is confidently by adults. I don't think anything can be done about that, it's just how it is for a while.

But there's nothing wrong with girls being assertive!

My daughter was exactly the same! Her language was way beyond her age (I only realise that now I have had a second and they are nowhere near her capabilities at the same age) and often I would get "oh she knows her own mind" and assertive comments. I often wondered whether boys get similar comments....

Anyway she is now 4 and her abilities to share and take turns have caught up with her language and she is a delight now. Also having a younger sibling has helped I think. She has also thrived at school in a more structured environment with procedures and rules etc. I have never minded her being assertive, she knows what she wants to do and I love that - it is our job as parents to manage her expectations and remind her of manners I think!

It might not be that they don't like it – it might simply be that they are a bit surprised at what sounds like quite a big shift in personality quite quickly, and it's getting expressed a bit awkwardly.

DD1's language developed early, and she can talk for Scotland, but she takes a little while to warm up to someone. A few weeks after she moved to the 2-3 room at nursery, I can remember her new keyworker making a couple of 'wow, DD1 can talk, can't she?' comments. She wasn't being critical, she was just surprised at the sudden swing from an almost silent little girl to one having full conversations. We were lucky that the first such comment was part of a longer meeting, and she mentioned the sudden change from quiet to chatty and was very positive about DD1's language and developing collaborative play and supporting that, so it was clear what the bigger picture was. At a quick handover chat, it could easily have sounded negative, though.

What's your overall feel on the nursery? Do you feel like they know your daughter as an individual and care about helping her develop? Perhaps ask for a wee chat about it so you can get a better sense of what they're thinking and if there's anything you should be doing to help her.

I would also echo many PPs that it sounds quite par for the course with two-year-olds. If they say that she's needing reminding to let other children make their own decisions or whatever, I wouldn't be bothered so long as they see it as a perfectly normal part of development, all perfectly routine to need to help a toddler find the balance between leading and being overbearing.

I think you are right and your husband is wrong. She needs encouragement to take turns and let others make choices sometimes. You could model how to make suggestions to people as opposed to giving orders “You could be a pirate!” as opposed to “You be a pirate!” etc. She’s only two and if she has more language than her peers, of course she’s going exploit it to rule the world! She’ll be fine.

Do you just not know what two year olds are?

I think this too. Bossy isn't cute. I've seen kids speak like this and they have no clue how bratty and bossy they are because no one told or corrected them. They are telling you literally that she needs to use kind words. How much more of a hint do you need??

She's only 2, as others have said we aren't born knowing how to behave perfectly. She will learn

I loathe the word 'bossy' it's so negative when used to describe women and girls. It's really hard to tell if your DD's behaviour is going to upset the other children, but tbh, it's the nursery workers job to intervene if this happens.

She sounds great and going to be a natural leader. Kids come in all personalities, sounds like the nursery staff need more training.

She’s 2 so not going to be subtle with requests.

Remind her to use please and thank you. If she’s talking to someone like another child who’s clearly uncomfortable with her requests then rescue them. She’s only 2 so won’t get body language subtleties that show the other person would rather not do as she says.

I wouldn’t be worrying at 2 she’s tiny and certainly not a brat honestly. She’s 2 to the poster who said have a word!?! They are learning to be people at this age, it’s nursery job as much as yours to guide in kind words, etc how will she know if parents and carers (nursery workers) don’t guide and teach her? Will she learn to be gentle, kind and share all by herself.
she sounds lovely op, don’t be emotional it’s normal development.

I used to get told that about my daughter. She's now a professional child actress, is on the school council and head of the choir.
Don't let them dull her shine to suit them!
Obviously if she is being bossy, mean etc you can deal with that but there are definitely some people that would rather kids didn't speak up, have opinions. It's good to have an assertive child. I wish I was!

I suspect you might be onto something here...

She has good language skills but she hasn't learned manners, basically. That's not unusual in a toddler and it's not insulting to draw attention to it. They're basically just saying that they have to remind her not to be overbearing/bossy towards other children. Lots of toddlers are like this. It's good that they're reminding her to speak kindly and consider others.