Sometimes being an introvert is exhausting?

FuckOffTom · 2023-12-04T15:22:24+00:00

I do feel like it’s me that’s being unreasonable here. But I don’t know how to change it! I have some wonderful friends. But sometimes, I find listening to them talk about their lives absolutely exhausting. I know how lucky I am to have these people - they are amazing and supportive but sometimes, when they call me or visit me I find myself feeling absolutely exhausted listening to their stories. It’s not their fault, they are just trying to ‘catch up’ with me. But they’re telling me in detail about a cupboard they’ve cleared out, or about a visit their dogs had to the vets, or a friend of a friend (whom I have never met) and her issue with her knees and I feel overwhelmed and exasperated listening to it. I just want to be left alone sometimes and not be talked at. Don’t get me wrong, if the conversation is a bit deeper, or if a friend really needs my support or we are talking about interesting ideas then I love a good conversation. Do a lot of people experience this and how do I deal with it? Do I carry on feigning interest??

shearwater2 · 05/12/2023 10:26

I think people have lost social skills since the pandemic, I know I have and might ramble on about all sorts of boring stuff at times. And sometimes life is a bit boring, I feel rather dull, and I don't have much of interest to share.

That's ok, none of us have to be life and soul of the party at all times even if we enjoy social occasions. I'd say be patient, ask questions and try to draw people out of themselves and talk about what really interests them.

I once sat with a very shy and quietly spoken man with a strong NI accent and managed to chat to him and listen to him for a couple of hours at a dinner. Quite hard especially when you don't understand or hear some of it! The more you do these things the easier it is. I wasn't very good at this when I was younger unless I instantly hit it off with someone.

ArcticBells · 05/12/2023 10:21

You need to find new friends. I'm a true introvert through and through but still enjoy lively interaction with others. I wouldn't know if most of them are introvert or extrovert!

Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 10:07

I understand the dilemma. I spend time with people who are on my wavelength who actually talk about things I enjoy talking about and who listen to me talking about what I want to talk about.

Yes, I’d avoid/spend less time with these people. Best way to do that is to spend more time on things you enjoy; start being selfish. In all likelihood, you’ll eventually start gelling with people more like you, instead of having your time wasted, and/or these current people will have to listen to your stuff - and if they won’t, they’ll either disappear or you really will have had enough.

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 05/12/2023 09:51

Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 09:45

It can be exhausting. You need better boundaries!

Would you avoid these people? Or change the subject? I don’t know how I could even do that. Stop someone mid flow and bring up an entirely different topic?

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 09:45

It can be exhausting. You need better boundaries!

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 05/12/2023 09:07

Clydagh · 05/12/2023 09:01

But the weird thing is that you seem to be upset you don’t find boring monologues interesting! Why? Anyone would find this excruciatingly dull! Someone who drones on like this isn’t ‘bonding’ with you, they’re just demonstrating a complete indifference to you.

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I have a tendency to think it’s my fault whenever I react negatively to anyone’s words or behaviour. I guess I thought that these people were trying to bond with me but maybe not? You could be right on the demonstrating indifference thing.
Perhaps they’re not really fussed about who they’re talking to, as long as they are talking?

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Clydagh · 05/12/2023 09:01

FuckOffTom · 05/12/2023 08:27

This! This is my experience too!
I am glad it’s not just me that feels drained after listening to someone talk like this!

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But the weird thing is that you seem to be upset you don’t find boring monologues interesting! Why? Anyone would find this excruciatingly dull! Someone who drones on like this isn’t ‘bonding’ with you, they’re just demonstrating a complete indifference to you.

pictoosh · 05/12/2023 08:57

I agree that we ALL get tired out by a chatty bore. There are a couple of women at my work like this....lovely women but hold court in the staffroom going on about the tiny details of mundane things. I don't want to spend my break listening to the ins and outs of your 11 year old's football club. I don't care. He's not my son and football is of no interest to me. Similarly the one who not only chunders on about her own minor ailments but tells everyone about other people's too...like her auntie or neighbour. She's obsessed with health issues and hasn't got the social awareness to realise no one else gives a fuck. I'm an extrovert but I sometimes come away from my break feeling worn out by having to pay their drivel attention.

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 05/12/2023 08:27

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 04/12/2023 20:27

I should introduce you all to my friend. We had a casual arrangement to meet up last week so I sent her a msg to see what day, saying what days did not suit me. I got a 7 minute WhatsApp voice note. I kid you not. Example:

'i cant meet on Monday cos on Mondays I have to bring T to gymnastics, then on the way home i have to call into my mums, she is getting her bathroom decorated and she is picking out tiles. She got the same tiler my aunt had, he did a great job and he was due to start last week but then his aunt died so he postponed for a week, it was an awful story cos she only found out she was sick two weeks before and she had her own business too, do you know that florists on that road where P got her wedding flowers, well thats hers but she's retired now and there is a lovely American lady running it now. So ill probably stay with my mum for an hour and have a cup of tea and then ill be late enough home so I'll be rushing with the dinner, I'm going to defrost a lasagne, they have lovely ones in that new deli there you know near the Tesco there where H used to work. I saw her the other day actually she was looking great, her youngest is in secondary now imagine. SoTuesday I can't because.....'

Honesty I feel like screaming sometimes.

This! This is my experience too!
I am glad it’s not just me that feels drained after listening to someone talk like this!

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Witchyblankets · 04/12/2023 23:29

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong
that makes my head hurt. Just white noise of pish!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 04/12/2023 20:27

I should introduce you all to my friend. We had a casual arrangement to meet up last week so I sent her a msg to see what day, saying what days did not suit me. I got a 7 minute WhatsApp voice note. I kid you not. Example:

'i cant meet on Monday cos on Mondays I have to bring T to gymnastics, then on the way home i have to call into my mums, she is getting her bathroom decorated and she is picking out tiles. She got the same tiler my aunt had, he did a great job and he was due to start last week but then his aunt died so he postponed for a week, it was an awful story cos she only found out she was sick two weeks before and she had her own business too, do you know that florists on that road where P got her wedding flowers, well thats hers but she's retired now and there is a lovely American lady running it now. So ill probably stay with my mum for an hour and have a cup of tea and then ill be late enough home so I'll be rushing with the dinner, I'm going to defrost a lasagne, they have lovely ones in that new deli there you know near the Tesco there where H used to work. I saw her the other day actually she was looking great, her youngest is in secondary now imagine. SoTuesday I can't because.....'

Honesty I feel like screaming sometimes.

Witchyblankets · 04/12/2023 20:23

@Clydagh yup. Again I agree with you. Nothing to do with being introvert or extrovert. Being a crap conversationalist can fall into either or other camps

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 20:07

Witchyblankets · 04/12/2023 18:29

@Thepeopleversuswork

I agree with you. I have not referred to introverts or extroverts. I’m merely pointing out that some folk just make shite conversationalists.

They do, absolutely. But it has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert. I’m an introvert with a lot of friends. None of them talk at me. None monologue about their cupboards. Likewise I don’t monologue at people about my house renovations or psoriasis.

CharlotteRumpling · 04/12/2023 18:36

@FuckOffTom 😁

Witchyblankets · 04/12/2023 18:29

@Thepeopleversuswork

I agree with you. I have not referred to introverts or extroverts. I’m merely pointing out that some folk just make shite conversationalists.

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 04/12/2023 18:22

I wish I could change the title of this thread now

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Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2023 17:13

@Witchyblankets

I get really pissed off when I ‘have conversations’ and do all the question asking, look interested, make the other person feel listened to but they just do not reciprocate. They ask no questions, they are on transmit and they do not pick up the social queues on how to have a conversation properly.

Right, absolutely. Most people hate this. But that's not something which is the preserve of extroverts or introverts. It's just selfish people who can't read a room.

People are really quick to push the people they meet into boxes marked "introvert" or "extrovert" based on their social skills. It's completely inaccurate. In fact there are introverts who are highly socially skilled and extroverts who suffer from acute social anxiety. Other people have said this many times but it bears saying again. Introverts are not just shy people or people who get anxious. They are people who need time out of social situations to recharge themselves.

And the reason this matters is that we as a society already suffer from a massive tendency to polarise people based on these very binary definitions. The more we polarise people and pathologise them based on these (poorly defined) labels, the less we understand and tolerate one another.

Witchyblankets · 04/12/2023 16:32

“You may or may not be an introvert but you're bored and frustrated because your friends are boring. Not because you're an introvert”

^this^

I have many friends but only a few with whom I’ll have a genuinely engaging and flowing conversation with. Others I feel talked at and can’t get a word in, others go into the minutiae of how they got their kid to trombone class after swimming. It’s just a random list of what they’ve done that day and yes it’s boring. I don’t want to know that. I do want to know how folk feel or think but not get their itemised diaries minute by minute.

I get really pissed off when I ‘have conversations’ and do all the question asking, look interested, make the other person feel listened to but they just do not reciprocate. They ask no questions, they are on transmit and they do not pick up the social queues on how to have a conversation properly.

Superscientist · 04/12/2023 16:31

Even the most interesting stories are a drain on my social energy and "spoons". I do genuinely enjoy the company of others but it has to be in manageable doses.
If I have a work event I book the next day off as I need time away from people to recharge.

When I was a child I used to hide at the bottom of my wardrobe to have a break from people.

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 04/12/2023 16:27

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2023 16:21

Thing is extroverts get "talked at" too. Everyone has boring or exhausting friends with whom they have poor boundaries. All people sometimes get tired or drained. You don't have to be an introvert to sometimes feel anxious or shy. It doesn't make you especially special or deep. And it doesn't mean anyone who bores you is automatically an extrovert. It's such unnecessary, binary pigeonholing when there's no need.

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Oh I’m sure they do - I don’t mean to create a pigeon hole, I just thought that feeling this way about people talking at me was because of being introverted and that it was something I could ‘fix’
I feel guilty for not enjoying this type of conversation, is all. Im not trying to pit introverts or extroverts against each other and I definitely don’t think I am anything special.

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ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 16:26

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2023 15:44

I find it exhausting people blaming all their anxieties and social dysfunction on being an "introvert". It's become a catch-all, get out of jail free card for people who are shy, anxious, grumpy, misanthropic, sociopathic have shit friends or hate their partners.

You may or may not be an introvert but you're bored and frustrated because your friends are boring. Not because you're an introvert.

Can we please reclaim the word "introvert" from this constant misuse?

Amen to this.

Introverts often make friends by being adopted by very dull extroverts

I can see what this is getting it but (following the post above) I'd substitute "people who are too anxious to speak" for "introverts", and "bores" for "extroverts".

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2023 16:21

FuckOffTom · 04/12/2023 16:04

I apologise for misappropriating the word introvert 😊
I am most definitely an introvert though - and I guess because I know a few people who talk ‘at’ me like this, I assumed it was me that was the odd one out.
I have one friend whom I have had to stop seeing because week in, week out she would spend the entire of our time together talking about her problems - always the same ones, that could all be fixed by her simply telling people to fuck off but she just wouldn’t do it. I got frustrated with saying the same things to her and her not listening. Then she ended up turning on me, turns out that she was the problem and not all the other people she so vehemently complained about.

Thing is extroverts get "talked at" too. Everyone has boring or exhausting friends with whom they have poor boundaries. All people sometimes get tired or drained. You don't have to be an introvert to sometimes feel anxious or shy. It doesn't make you especially special or deep. And it doesn't mean anyone who bores you is automatically an extrovert. It's such unnecessary, binary pigeonholing when there's no need.

Original poster

FuckOffTom · 04/12/2023 16:16

Thing is, I do enjoy socialising when I am in the mood. I love a long conversation about stuff I find interesting as much as the next person but these days, I seem to find it harder to be talked at and just want to be left alone most of the time. Almost like someone talking at me this way is eating in to that ‘alone’ time and I’m just willing the conversation to end.

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CharlotteRumpling · 04/12/2023 16:13

You need better friends. I am not an introvert- probably more extrovert than anything- and I only hang out with interesting people who make me feel good. Mostly.

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 16:13

PrinceHaz · 04/12/2023 15:59

Introverts often make friends by being adopted by very dull extroverts - the type that will go into detail about cleaning their cupboard without any sense that they’re boring. These people adopt introverts because they don’t require true friends, they just need someone to talk at. An introvert is often more likely to allow themselves to be talked at as it removes the pressure for them to interact. It’s not ultimately satisfying though, and the introvert can become resentful.

I don’t think it’s friendship that’s exhausting, it’s just the people in your life at the moment. Perhaps get some hobbies with people with shared interests so you have better things to talk about.

I don’t think that’s true at all. The only thing extroverts have in common is that they’re energised by social contact, just as the only thing introverts have in common is that, whether or not they enjoy socialising, they recharge alone.

Introverts aren’t any worse at making friends than extroverts, and nor are they more likely to be enthused by a recital of cupboard contents!