To specify when to do the dishes?

I know this may not be helpful but the fact is you're not in the right relationship if these are issues that upset you both and you can't solve. I lived like that for years. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, he won't change and neither will you. This is probably one example of lots of annoying things and I only say this as I used to live through these daily annoyances too. And they are annoying, every single day. I would never have left him over them as they didn't feel substantial. But the feeling is substantial. He left me and I got to do things my way very happily. Totally unhelpful, but I do sympathise.

Am I the only one who leaves everything in the drying rack until either I need to use those items again, or until I need the drying rack again? Why waste time putting things away only to get them out again!

Doesn't want to be micro managed you mean?

OP, you're still doing the same amount of chores, either way, so what's the issue?

If you want to reduce your chores, then he drys and puts away, but you seem to be saying you're happy doing the chores, just at a time that suits you, but doesn't suit him?

You'll have to learn to compromise, both of you.

I think you’ve just divided up the jobs wrong.

To me doing the dishes includes putting away so if you just make his job doing the dishes and putting away as long as he does it before bed then it doesn’t matter.

As a fellow slattern to another I have to admit I haven't yet put away all the dishes from Saturday night. After lunch, I think.

We do @gannett but then I am a bit of a slattern. I will often tidy up properly in the morning as I'm too knackered in the evening to care.

Leaving dishes to dry overnight is normal surely?

Washing up is my job and I always leave it on the rack overnight - I don't see any need to put them away the same night. Tell him doing the dishes includes putting them away and then leave it up to him if he wants to put them away the following morning.

I decided a long time ago that if it bothers me then it's ME who has to do it.

I go with that too @MyLadyTheKingsMother.

But generally if something needs doing, someone will see it and do it however I don't lose my shit if the dishes are still there for a few hours. Life is too short.

Oh God, why not just divide tasks up differently, so YOU do the wash and clean up. If it's not working out for you, change the record somehow. Stewing over it will end up in constant arguments.

Honestly, I suspect he doesn’t know how much you do or how to do it. Thats the problem. He just expects it to be done and under appreciated all you do. Like my ex - he thought magical fairies came in overnight and wiped the sides and etc and that’s why the house was tidy.
It wasn’t that I was doing it because if he admitted that then he’d have to take his turn too, easier to presume it was magic and then he could ignore…

It could be that a list of everything needs prepared for your partner and tasks allocated. With instructions. Although people have different ways of doing things so it may get done his way.

PS I see I’m getting laughed at for having ‘supper’ in my last post.
Is that a Scottish thing then and the rest of the country doesn’t have toast or a small nibble of some sort before bed?
Or is it the word means a small meal at a different time in England? Curious now 😂

Fine - the job is doing the dishes, drying them and putting them away and making sure the kitchen is clean and tidy, bin out if necessary. The job needs to be done by <whatever time you go downstairs in the morning >. Let him decide when he does it in that window.

Yes it's ridiculous if that is his only job.

I would say

"If you do the dishes after dinner I'm happy to help you dry and put away once babies in bed' If you prefer to do them later please could you dry and put away. Thanks'

If he chooses to leave parts of it Ie not wipe surfaces don't do it!!! Leave it for the next day for him. I know it's hard but don't reward incompetence.

Also, my friend had this problem with her DH and she had to agree that actually as long as he does it in the evening before bed, it really doesn't matter when it's done.

This, but he has to dry it if it isn't dry at the end of the evening and put it away, not you.

He’s doing the bare minimum. Of course he knows the sink and worktops need wiping but he’s going to get stroppy if asked to do that because he resents washing up in the first place.

He sounds like a total jerk.

Wanting to assert himself by leaving the fucking dishes to the very last minute. Because he’s a big man yeah? Ugh.

The fact is you are supposed to be a team which works together, so things need to sync.

Get a dishwasher. Much less hassle.

I can’t understand people’s replies here…

He is washing up… but then leaving the clear up to you and you don’t want to have to do it first thing. Honestly, that’s absolutely fair enough. He either does the whole job, or washes them early enough so that you’re not inconvenienced (as much). Or he puts them away in the morning.

If I’m reading his right that’s his only job? He does NOTHING else? No cleaning, hoovering, toilets, kids baths, bin duties etc? No daily/weekly household chores other than washing dishes?! Yeah, you’re not being unreasonable, he’s a lazy c**t!!! Just leave them out. I’d never put them away.

This.

Just tell him that washing up after dinner includes putting away the dishes the same night. Ok if that's after he bathes the kids, but it's before you get up in the morning.

TBF I don't think it's controlling at all to insist that the dishes are done pretty soon after dinner. Perhaps you should start randomly making dinner one day at 4, one day at 8, another at midnight. Is it controlling to insist you have dinner by some specific time?

It's in the nature of many tasks that they have to be done when they have to be done. That's precisely why we often find them irritating. Clearing up isn't an activity you do because you enjoy it (though you may well enjoy it), it's something that has to be done when it has to be done. Like bathing the DC at 7, or filling the car with petrol before it runs out, or hoovering when the floor is a mess, not just when you feel like it. It's like brushing your teeth before bed: it's NOT like having sex...

I start the day by emptying the clean dishwasher that was put on as I went to bed. I do it while the coffee machine splutters itself awake. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to do in the morning.

But if the dishes are his job, he should be putting them away too. The whole job is his job, not half of it. Do you do the laundry then leave it in a clean heap on the sofa and claim to have done the laundry?

I have met several men who have never been made aware that a kitchen needs a clean after every meal, it’s not just washing dishes.

Not a deep clean but cooker wiped and surfaces / table clean and clear for next event. Sweep if needed.

Everyone has different standards though, (I leave clean dishes to dry and don’t need them put away, for me it’s more important that sides are clear, clean and tidy)

I'm normally really hardline about men pulling their weight in the home but I don't think you get to specify when he does the dishes. As long as they are done and the kitchen is cleaned that evening. I think having a set time is a bit controlling.

Why can't he just do the whole kitchen at a time that suits him?