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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider leaving over snoring?

70 replies

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:06

It's not the only reason, but a large one. I know he isn't snoring on purpose and he can't help it, but it's the reluctance to do anything about it. I've asked him for 3 years to see a GP, but for whatever reason he never gets round to it.
After a particularly bad night I insisted we go to the chemist, he bought some nose strips but has never used them.
It's not the actual snoring as I say, it's the refusal to do anything about it.
After he's been drinking it's even worse. I use earplugs and they muffle the sound, but don't block it out completely.
He's away with friends ATM and it was so quiet and peaceful last night. We have a twat neighbour who decided to sing loudly at 5:30am but that's another story.
The only thing I can think of is spare bedrooms permanently. I've told him to at least sleep on the sofa, but he doesn't want to do it permanently and nor do I, and he often forgets and still gets into bed.
Occasionally I get a full night's sleep, but I can't remember the last night I wasn't disturbed by it, even if only for 10 minutes.
I know women can snore too, but I feel like on the whole it's largely something that women are expected to put up with from men.
We don't need a 2 bed property, and I'm reluctant to have to pay higher rent and bills because of this. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:

MariaVT65 · 28/02/2024 02:50

The way you described made me assume he was in his 50s, not 20s. Doesn’t sound like he takes much seriously, or cares about your sleep. So YANBU.

Mmhmmn · 28/02/2024 02:46

What did you do OP? Hope you ended it, he’s a selfish oaf - the drinking, the refusing to do anything to help, you can do so much better than that. Don’t settle for that shit in your 20s or at any age.

SallyWD · 03/12/2023 08:47

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:17

And he will not agree to two separate bedrooms permanently, I've already suggested it and he got upset, so just not sure tbh.

It's not really up to him! You can make the decision. We have a spare room and sleep apart 50% of the time. DH doesn't really snore but I just like my own space. We have a different sleep schedule - DH comes to bed late and I'd just rather sleep separately and sleep earlier.
To be honest, it sounds like you're not really happy with him despite the snoring.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 08:44

Why don't you just sleep in another room? I agree though, it's upsetting for him not to try and resolve the issue

PicaK · 03/12/2023 08:30

Download one of the sleep apps and record him for a few nights.
If you present him with evidence, if you show him the effect on you and he still won't go to the Dr then you need to leave.
I snore. I honestly had no idea how bad until I did the app thing. I mean I would wake and hear my bf snoring so I thought they were just moaning unreasonably cos I didn't give them grief about their snoring. I honestly had no idea of the difference between their few snuffles and an occasional grunt and the steam train arrival sound I produce.
So you've got to give him the opportunity to hear it and then see if he takes any steps.

mapletreecottage · 03/12/2023 08:13

You're too young to be dealing with this bullshit. Find someone more considerate who will work cooperatively to find solutions for problems.

jelly79 · 03/12/2023 07:32

My BF snores, but I am a light sleeper and we have a spare room. BUT he literally tries everything to stop so I can't be too mad! He drinks very lightly and not often. And he wears strips without fail - they really make a difference! I'd be saying to him he either wears the strips or he has to stay on the couch x

Getmeoutofheere · 02/12/2023 19:45

we had a ginormous argument - I thought I was going mad with sleep deprivation from the snoring (mind we are older, have 2 children etc). Since then he’s used a gum shield which really helps, and I nudge him to lie on his side. But I suspect if your partner won’t even try nose strips he won’t do the rest.

I hope you elbow him every time he snores etc….

tbh just leave. Let him go and do it to someone else and repeat the pattern over and over again. But you can sleep…. Why subject yourself to this when you have no ties x

maddening · 02/12/2023 19:37

Depending on what the other reasons are surely separate bedrooms is cheaper than divorce and funding 2 separate homes if you still love him.

Thirdchapterdilemma · 02/12/2023 19:33

Haven’t RTFT, but: Separate bedrooms saved our marriage. Full stop. We’ve now been married 22 years. Together as a couple for 28. Separate bedrooms for c.11 years. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is considered as torture: Because it is.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/12/2023 18:08

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:22

He tried them once and said they didn't work. After a particularly awful night a few weeks ago I told him that if it didn't get sorted I'd be renting a room elsewhere, I know I shouldn't have said that but sleep deprivation when you've got to be up at 6 for work is horrible.

Sleep deprivation is the pits. It's used as torture. If he won't do anything about his snoring, you will have to take matters into your own hands. If you split up, he's going to have the same problem in his next relationship.

SleepingBeautySnores · 02/12/2023 17:24

OP my DH had this problem and didn't take me seriously about how much it was affecting my sleep, until after 7 nights on the trot with minimal undisturbed sleep, he woke up to finding me looming over him and about to put a pillow over his face! We laugh about it now, but it seriously CAN cause you to do stuff like this. Lack of sleep is a form of torture, so he needs to take action. However, bearing in mind his attitude, like others have said, I'd be seriously thinking about whether this relationship, is really worth carrying on with. Oh, and just so you know, from that night onward, my DH and I have slept in separate rooms, with very rare exceptions, like if we're staying with family, or in a hotel.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/12/2023 17:09

He has three choices

do nothing and you decide to leave or not
do something that hopefully works
separate rooms, and he can pay the extra rent for a two bed as he won’t do anything

let him decide

Lopil · 02/12/2023 17:05

I cba with the selfishness of not going to the doctor, Dh snored, I asked him to deal with it as it was making me wake up so he went and got a sleep study and then was prescribed a cpap, complete silence at night now. If he wont help you or himself by looking for a solution yanbu.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 17:00

We sleep separately now as my DH's snoring is house-shakingly loud. He is 50 and now overweight and unfit. Not massive but I can see the excess weight under his chin that's probably contributing to it. It is a lot worse after he's been drinking. And actually it's worse when he uses his special "neck" pillow that's indented that he says if he doesn't use he wakes up with a sore neck. Well, when we sleep elsewhere eg in a hotel or something with normal pillows, his snoring is much better. So I hate his fecking neck pillow!!!!

I'm annoyed he doesn't do anything about it, I've even recorded him on many occasions and played it back next day to show how bad it really is. But then he gets annoyed that I've done that, the cheeky get!!!

Good job I love him....

Allthatglittersisntart · 02/12/2023 16:49

I had the same problem. My DP was embarrassed to go to the doctor. I booked my DP’s appointment for him , went to GP apt as it is affecting my health, and made sure to answer the questions honestly for him in appointment. (He was underplaying it). The doctor referred him to a sleep clinic and the rest is tbc…
there are also separate rooms if you have the luxury…

GasDrivenNun · 02/12/2023 15:11

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:22

Nothing wrong w8sh what you've said.
He doesn't do anything about the snoring, keeps drinking and thinks you should put up with it. You could be putting up with it for another 60 years if you allow it. Less if either of you succumb to ill health. Lack of less damaging for you and drinking/snoring/sleep apnea damaging to him.
I would leave because he's inconsiderate and totally selfish. He doesn't sound an attractive proposition at all.

Scaredycatofrodents · 02/12/2023 14:46

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:11

He's late 20s, I'd say he's out drinking about 2-3 times a week maybe? No idea what the average is for men of that age.

Out drinking 3 times a week.
How much alcohol is involved ?
I'd prefer my man to go out a bit less and start saving for our own place if I were in your position.
Rent is dead money. Paying someone else's mortgage.

Loafbeginsat60 · 02/12/2023 14:44

My dh snores but not so badly if I roll him onto his right side. He's pretty good about being shuggled around in his sleep.

It wakes me most nights or keeps me awake. Once he has snored for about ten minutes tho it subsides. If I just leave him that is - if I try to stop him it starts all over again and again.

He's pretty amazing otherwise so I can put up with it

Try getting to sleep first or leaving him to "snore it out" you might find that helps....

nonmerci99 · 02/12/2023 14:32

ALightOverThere · 02/12/2023 09:14

If you’d rather leave than find a flat with an extra bedroom, I suspect the other issues are substantial.

Completely agree — this seems like the tip of the iceberg. If you want to leave your partner over snoring, you are perhaps not being honest with yourself about the real reasons you’re unhappy in your relationship. In my opinion, if you want to end it, that’s enough — it doesn’t matter what the reasons are, and you don’t need anyone’s permission!

My husband snores. It’s annoying, but I adore him and don’t want to sleep separately.

SheIsStuck23 · 02/12/2023 14:29

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:17

And he will not agree to two separate bedrooms permanently, I've already suggested it and he got upset, so just not sure tbh.

Selfish twat!

Who the hell does he think he is to dictate where you can and can’t sleep when HE is the one who is stopping you from sleeping?!

Me and my husband have separate bedrooms due to his snoring and it’s heaven. He doesn’t particularly like it but he knows I need sleep and so he accepts the fact that we have to sleep apart.

Your partner is incredibly selfish and so yes, I’d leave him too.

Figmentof · 02/12/2023 14:23

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:16

We aren't married or engaged yet, it's going to cost us more in rent and utilities to rent a larger place that we otherwise wouldn't need.

I am married to a snorer. He is not a drinker, he just snores, he has tried strips, mouth guards, loads of remedies and has never found anything that works. Earplugs don’t work for me either.

The only thing that works for us is separate rooms. If you want to continue this relationship, then you need to have separate rooms and I would change your mindset into thinking that this is something that you do need.

Otherwise yes, end things whilst it is uncomplicated.

SgtJuneAckland · 02/12/2023 14:14

DH snores like a bear, before DC I was a heavy sound sleeper so didn't notice, in your situation I would and have considered leaving.

The difference being DH did go to the GP has been assessed at the sleep clinic, doesn't really drink other than in special occasions, is fit (we got rid of our second car so he cycles everywhere so I can use the car) and he's not overweight. They diagnosed him as a simple snorer after sleep study. He has tried nose strips, throat spray, a t-shirt on backwards with a tennis ball in the pocket, a mouth guard thing. It makes little difference, however he has tried and tried everything. I tend to go up to bed half an hour before him now as it's more difficult for me to get to sleep if he's already snoring (he falls asleep in seconds of course) . I also have ear plugs.

We do also have a spare room, if it's too much or wakes me in the night I elbow him and he goes to the spare room. While he was undergoing investigation he slept in there a lot, all without complaint and for me it's that that makes the difference.
He knows it affects me, he has done everything he can to resolve it and is rolling to be the one to adapt when I ask him to. If he wasn't it wouldn't be about his snoring it would be about his lack of any consideration for me or my will bring and that would be a relationship ender for me.

thedamnseason · 02/12/2023 14:03

I threatened separate rooms with my partner unless he tried to sort it. I'm a light sleeper and can't wear ear plugs.

Amazingly the plasters work really well and he happily wears them every night. I was shocked it was so ridiculously easy to solve but realise that's not the case for everyone.

Helenahandkart · 02/12/2023 13:45

My DH snores a lot more when he’s been drinking and when he’s overweight. When we went on a health kick prior to trying to get pregnant he stopped drinking and lost weight and almost completely stopped snoring.
But if your partner’s in his 20s then giving up drinking is a big deal, particularly if your social life is built around it, so I think it might be too much to expect of him.
Everyone saying get a bigger flat with a spare room has no idea about housing costs for young people.
I would really recommend the Loop earplugs. They’re comfortable to sleep in.
I put up with it for almost 20 years and spent many nights crying on the sofa due to sleep deprivation before deciding on separate rooms so they’ve been a game changer for me. I hated sleeping in separate rooms.

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