Boyfriends past

In that case not only your BF but door staff and bar staff must of thought she was over 18

Well this just isn't true.

My mate met a girl in a nightclub, an over 18s place. He was 23, she claimed to be 19. They got chatting, had a bit of a snog. They exchanged numbers (home phone, this was in the days before mobile.)

They went out for a few dates, and after about 3 weeks slept together for the first time. A few more weeks pass, he brings her to the pub to meet the rest of us. We all get on, she seems nice. She holds her own in terms of drink, gets ID'd at the bar and pulls out ID.

A couple more weeks and one of our friends who was out that night sees her in school uniform. And it's not a school with a sixth form.

My mate phoned the house phone during the school day, gets her Dad on the line (who he'd spoken to a couple of times before). Mates asks Dad how old this girl is, and Dad tells him 15. Mate tells Dad everything, and luckily Dad is very reasonable. The girl had told the Dad a pack of lies too, that she was staying at a friend's the night she was out clubbing etc, that her boyfriend was 17.

My mate was absolutely horrified with himself, and had issues trusting people for a long time. Rumours about him spread, and he ended up moving halfway across the country, partly because of that. He's felt the need to tell girlfriends about it, and with good reason, as two people have decided to tell his now wife their version of the story over the years.

I work in a University, and my DD has just turned 16. DD barely passes for 14, but a couple of her friends look older than most of my students.

When I was 16 I looked much older and had a weekend job in a hotel. My male colleagues, in their 20's, all presumed that I was at university and I never corrected them. There is a big difference between a relationship like that, and a 27 year old deliberately grooming a schoolgirl; your partner didn't do that. Let it go.

You are getting a very hard time from most here, OP. Have you any good friend you can confide in?

I agree. I don't believe for one minute that he didn't realise he was fucking a child. He's also a liar and this will not change.

His past is his past and can't be undone. You either leave it alone and go forward with trust or you leave. If you stay and continue to interrogate him the relationship will be destroyed over time.

Try to take each day as it comes. It is challenging living with a liar but try not to push him into a corner my constantly questioning him. I think when men feel cornered their natural reaction is to lie.
(I’m speaking from experience!)

Try to step back, deep breaths, and as time goes on you might find you can have a quiet adult conversation with your liar. Point out to him that lying is for six year old kids in the playground, not adults. It might be a while before you get to that conversation but one day when you’re both relaxed, try to tell him how hurt you’ve been and please, will he stop lying to you.

Meanwhile, forget the 16yr old. She’s was old enough to legally give consent. She’s history, your partner and baby are the future. Keep your antennae up and try not to keep looking back, look forward.

Tbf the he's lied to me 50 times this past week does sorta indicate something you're not saying OP.

He's past relationships aren't really any of your business. This thing with a teen you're going to drive yourself batshit. You don't message complete strangers man.

I would also point out that if an adult man in his late 20s has to ask or check her age, she’s too young.

No adult man accidentally sleeps with a 16 year old. How more people here aren’t disgusted by that is beyond me.

I would never assume he isn’t still attracted to teenaged girls. That’s not just a phase.

A 27/28yo having sex with a 16yo would absolutely give me the ick so I don’t blame you for being disgusted by that.

Add in the lying to you and you know your relationship is done so just focus on building a co-parenting relationship for your baby’s sake

I think you're getting a bit of an unfair bashing from people. Perhaps it's not the done thing to looking through messages etc but it's done and you now have this information. I completely understand why it would upset and worry you.

Are you saying that the contact stopped when he found out her age, but then started up again a few years later, in full knowledge of her age? I fully get the concern here but arguably she wasn't underage and so doesn't necessarily suggest any underlying concern/risk to children as such. Creepy and misguided nonetheless. Im not sure how you move past it but I think for the time you have your baby now, you want to enjoy it. It's in the past. I'd give it your completely honest views on it and a stark warning of no more bullshit. If he chooses to do anything after that, that's on him and your decision is made

In all honesty I often take the path of least resistance

being grilled about my past I probably would of lied for a quiet life

16 is the age of consent. He did nothing wrong to have sex with her being that age.

He's lying because he knows how you react to everything and he's trying to keep you calm and happy. That could be a good thing - or not. There's not enough in your post to know that. From your posting style I'd say he seems ok and you seem very emotional and insecure - perfectly natural after having a baby. Focus on what you have and how he is to you NOW, not how he was decades ago

It does sound like you are destroying a perfectly good relationship with your obsession with his past . I don't like lying but under interrogation...

You say he lied at least 50 times...is this when you wanted repeatedly wanted answers to whether this woman was an ex or not? Or lied about 50 different things?

If the first, it seems like you might look to your own behaviour for his actions, he's hiding things because you're giving him grief. If I was getting endless demands about people from my past, I might want to shut down and tell you it's all nothing too to make you stop!

But if it's 50 different things...well, that's different and I would end the relationship. Being in a relationship with a habitual liar is a terrible thing, when there's no trust. Admittedly having to co-parent with a lying ex is no walk in the park either, speaking from experience.

This is the real issue.
Its annoying when people only tell you what to here and don’t trust you with the truth. You don’t respect him now he’s lied. I suspect if you were less vulnerable you’d walk.
Obviously you have feelings for him and for his position as a dad and want to stay.

Its not him you have the problem with but what you should do. Best advice is “it’s not the things you do you regret but the things you don’t”. This time next year you’ll wonder why you didn’t go.

Rings alarm bells for me.

It sounds like you are a bit obsessed with his past and you’re giving him grief about it.

Perhaps he lied to you about the hearts because he knew it would upset you and you would make a big deal out of it?

If he is friendly with his ex, I can understand why he might send a heart to her on the day his dad died. If I trusted my partner that wouldn’t be a big deal for me.

The 16 year old thing is a bit weird but if I loved someone and trusted them it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. However you obviously don’t trust this man, so unless you can get over that your relationship is going to be a constant source of stress and worry for you.