I really hate leaving my kids )-:

christmastreezers · 2023-12-01T11:19:55+00:00

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice. I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm). We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure. Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry. Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted. My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break. It's a lot. Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help. What would you do ?

OhwhyOY · 04/12/2023 23:48

Your life is very similar to mine except we need two incomes. I have no asvice but lots of empathy!

RadRad · 04/12/2023 20:03

It’s not reasonable to ask you to travel at short notice, even without kids in the equation as you also have a life outside work. If you don’t need the job, either tell them as much, or leave and stay at home until you find something else, at least now you know what works and what doesn’t and could make it clear to prospective employers. I would hate to leave my kid at short notice.

Devonshiregal · 03/12/2023 20:53

JudgeJ · 01/12/2023 16:15

Lazy and incompetent, he only words 13+ hours a day, he's so lazy. They both need to work this out but he's neither lazy nor incompetent unless you want to apply the same words to the OP.

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He doesn’t do anything for his own child? Yep lazy and incompetent

Humbugg · 02/12/2023 10:53

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 02/12/2023 10:51

How nasty and judgmental!

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How’s that nasty?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 02/12/2023 10:51

Humbugg · 02/12/2023 10:50

I think it sounds like you value money for private primary school over spending time with your children. Odd in my opinion. For secondary school I understand it a bit more but for primary school it doesn’t make the difference you seem to think it does. Especially since the title of this thread is about not wanting to leave your children - wouldn’t you be more happy focusing on family and less on job?

How nasty and judgmental!

Humbugg · 02/12/2023 10:50

I think it sounds like you value money for private primary school over spending time with your children. Odd in my opinion. For secondary school I understand it a bit more but for primary school it doesn’t make the difference you seem to think it does. Especially since the title of this thread is about not wanting to leave your children - wouldn’t you be more happy focusing on family and less on job?

Fernsfernsferns · 01/12/2023 22:35

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 20:35

Can someone give me some tips on how to get my older one to just stay in her bed when she wakes up ?

She was a great sleeper but all went down the drain when baby 2 came along when she was 2ish and she just wouldn't settle unless I stayed until she fell asleep. Now we are in this mess.

She can't even stay in her bed while I go to the toilet.

She just freaks out on her own in her bed. She has a night light etc so it's not really dark. She gets scared.

I wonder if it was the fact that we tried to get her to settle on her own when she was going through a phase of not wanting to be left alone and we left her to cry a few times. After one night of prolonged crying I told my H to fuck off and that we weren't doing that to her again. She needed me and now it's stuck.

Try Ann at Nuruting Sleep (Google her) she is amazing and emphatic and charges by the hour so you are not tied in.

though I do sleep with both my kids when they want to (and they are 5&9)

i like it, they like it, is a way to spend time With them and as you say when little they can get scared. Mine are sensitive deep thinkers and they benefit from the reassurance of sleeping next to me.

DH and I both have demanding jobs that sometimes require travel and it’s part of how we make it work.

but that’s me. What do YOU want?

for your 4 year old it’s sounds like you are not being clear with her when you are away? And hoping she work notice you’re away? Now THAT will freak her out.

you need to be clear with her - draw her a chart for a week, mark the days you are away and when you are coming back. She can tick them off.

it sounds like you need to stand back and consider everything with your DH to figure out what changes you want to make on working and childcare and parenting and make them together as parents talking through all
the options, to make things work better and sustainably for you.

there isn’t one right answer.

although. If you want to keep the job, I’d consider getting a nanny. With two kids needing childcare it won’t cost more and it gives them the stability of an adult that they can get to know and trust. It can be like buying in a family member.

i always write into our job description that it includes cooking a family meal each day and some folding of washing etc (we also have a cleaner). Basically I expect our nanny to do what I would do if I wasn’t working.

cestlavielife · 01/12/2023 22:31

Maybe dh should take a career break and get to know his kids?

verbalreason · 01/12/2023 22:26

Haven’t RTFT but I’ve been in a (slightly) similar position to you with a husband with a very full-on job and a child who was very clingy.

It sounds to me as though your child is filling up on her need for closeness with you at night. So maybe you need to be trying to sort that out in the daytime.

I’d be cautious about a sleep consultant as I think they might do some quite harsh tactics like the ones you’ve already rejected.

It sounds to me like you’re trapped in a vicious circle you don’t want to be in and a radical rethink is needed. Get a new job (part time? or at least with no travel) or even have a career break until the younger one is old enough to truly benefit from nursery.

Winnipeggy · 01/12/2023 22:17

I'm a bit confused now... you say that you hate being away from your kids but when you were at home you dont want them around and need time to yourself? Sounds like you really need to dig deep and work out what you want

Winnipeggy · 01/12/2023 22:12

These hours are illegal in the UK where you can’t be asked to work more than an average of 48 hours a week.*

Haha

Winnipeggy · 01/12/2023 22:10

If you could survive off a lower salary or just your husbands then I would consider this more seriously. I think looking back when you're older it's quite possible you will value this time with them more than putting them in private school. Either way, you don't seem happy so something needs to change.

Takenoprisoner · 01/12/2023 21:24

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 17:34

I wouldn't like this. Little kids need their parents. That's not to say you shouldn't work or pursue a career but you can't have it every way unfortunately. For me, time is priceless and more important than fancy schools or imaginary future houses/cars/security for my kids. Nobody knows what life has in store, sure it's nice to plan ahead but not at the expense of their childhood. It's too precious.

I work part time and that suits me. You said yourself if you were advising a friend you would tell them to get a new job, I think that's your answer. With two parents who work full time (one who doesn't get in til 8:30 by which time I assume they're in bed) when do they ever get quality time with you both?

I agree with all of this. You are valuing potential private school over being there more for your children now.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 01/12/2023 21:07

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 20:35

Can someone give me some tips on how to get my older one to just stay in her bed when she wakes up ?

She was a great sleeper but all went down the drain when baby 2 came along when she was 2ish and she just wouldn't settle unless I stayed until she fell asleep. Now we are in this mess.

She can't even stay in her bed while I go to the toilet.

She just freaks out on her own in her bed. She has a night light etc so it's not really dark. She gets scared.

I wonder if it was the fact that we tried to get her to settle on her own when she was going through a phase of not wanting to be left alone and we left her to cry a few times. After one night of prolonged crying I told my H to fuck off and that we weren't doing that to her again. She needed me and now it's stuck.

I think you might better responses if you start a new thread on this very topic

ilovesooty · 01/12/2023 20:59

inflatablefurniture · 01/12/2023 14:18

Tell your husband things need to change. Get marriage counselling to help you sort this oit if necessary.

Even if her husband were open to that, good luck with to them finding a counsellor to accommodate the hours he's working and commuting.

SheIsStuck23 · 01/12/2023 20:53

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 20:35

Can someone give me some tips on how to get my older one to just stay in her bed when she wakes up ?

She was a great sleeper but all went down the drain when baby 2 came along when she was 2ish and she just wouldn't settle unless I stayed until she fell asleep. Now we are in this mess.

She can't even stay in her bed while I go to the toilet.

She just freaks out on her own in her bed. She has a night light etc so it's not really dark. She gets scared.

I wonder if it was the fact that we tried to get her to settle on her own when she was going through a phase of not wanting to be left alone and we left her to cry a few times. After one night of prolonged crying I told my H to fuck off and that we weren't doing that to her again. She needed me and now it's stuck.

If you have Facebook get in touch with this lady. She is amazing!!! Myself and two of my friends used her and she saved us all!

Madamlulu · 01/12/2023 20:43

BodenCardiganNot · 01/12/2023 11:22

I'd leave the H. He sounds a complete waste of space.

Ha ha ha typical Mumsnet comment

Babymamaroon · 01/12/2023 20:35

I don't think your husband is unreasonable. He's working a crazily long day on 25-28 days PTO a year. That's burn out territory.

I do think you're unreasonable for taking on all this responsibility by yourself. It's not just your load to carry.

On the salaries you sound like you're on, you need to be outsourcing all cleaning, laundry, ironing, gardening etc.

That way, all your evenings, weekends and holidays are all about fun together and having to go away for a few extra days with work won't seem like a big deal.

To add, it is never a forgone conclusion that the man will earn more. Women are more than capable of out-earning their partners, so please remember that.

It is hard, I do understand. No one can tell you how to feel when leaving your little ones. But they'll survive, just like you will. And if you can aim for parity with your DH, that will have a more positive impact than you going away for another couple of nights will have negative.

Original poster

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 20:35

Can someone give me some tips on how to get my older one to just stay in her bed when she wakes up ?

She was a great sleeper but all went down the drain when baby 2 came along when she was 2ish and she just wouldn't settle unless I stayed until she fell asleep. Now we are in this mess.

She can't even stay in her bed while I go to the toilet.

She just freaks out on her own in her bed. She has a night light etc so it's not really dark. She gets scared.

I wonder if it was the fact that we tried to get her to settle on her own when she was going through a phase of not wanting to be left alone and we left her to cry a few times. After one night of prolonged crying I told my H to fuck off and that we weren't doing that to her again. She needed me and now it's stuck.

OP posts:

SophieinParis · 01/12/2023 20:28

Strictlymad · 01/12/2023 16:31

This- he can’t do the impossible but with children really you both need a job that suits family life, then you both can share chores

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This is ridiculous! So people with children shouldn’t do long hours jobs?!
If this were the case, then you’d have no lawyers, doctors, bankers etc over the age of about 30! 7am to 830pm is a long day, but standard for many high earning professional jobs and you can’t have people simply giving them up when they have children.

Newsenmum · 01/12/2023 20:24

I agree that you can definitely say no! This is your life, you’re being asked to do more than you agreed to and you have already proved you will do more than you said you would. You don’t have to do any more than you have, think about what’s important. It’s just work they’re not going to fire you but they will happily use you!

Original poster

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 20:22

We need to sort out the co sleeping before I go away.

The little one can go to sleep with his dad actually, no problem. When H is home early or at weekends, he often puts the little one to sleep. But in the same way I do it, which is to stay until he falls asleep.

My DD who's almost 4 is the one that needs me to fall asleep and then when she wakes up at night, she comes and looks for me if I'm not there and when she realises I'm not there, she gets upset.

When I am at home and she gets up in the night - because some nights we don't co sleep all night, she just starts wailing and calling me until I lie down with her.

we need to work on this before I go anywhere, she also asks for me a lot at her time. During the day I don't think she knows I'm not there. It's at night.

OP posts:

bucksfizzforbrekie · 01/12/2023 17:34

I wouldn't like this. Little kids need their parents. That's not to say you shouldn't work or pursue a career but you can't have it every way unfortunately. For me, time is priceless and more important than fancy schools or imaginary future houses/cars/security for my kids. Nobody knows what life has in store, sure it's nice to plan ahead but not at the expense of their childhood. It's too precious.

I work part time and that suits me. You said yourself if you were advising a friend you would tell them to get a new job, I think that's your answer. With two parents who work full time (one who doesn't get in til 8:30 by which time I assume they're in bed) when do they ever get quality time with you both?

Whitewolf2 · 01/12/2023 17:18

I wouldn’t have wanted to do regular trips away when mine were little, 5 days is a lot. Push back, say 2 days is fine but not 5. If it’s not in your contract they are taking the p*ss with this extent of travel, it massively eats into your home and down time. If you don’t say no it will only continue.

Wolfofallstreets · 01/12/2023 17:05

OP, you can't have it every way

You need a cleaner to come in more than once a week and do the laundry, can't that cleaner double as a nanny and just pay - you're killing yourself in order to save to buy your dc future houses

You shouldn't give up your job because if your dh is being such an idiot you may not want to stay with him long term - you need that financial security

You need a serious conversation with dh about how these are his dc too

You need to explain to work you didn't agree to so much travel and it's not always possible. At the same time, a trip every 3 months is not a crazy amount of travel. I did that when dc were tiny but I had a helpful dh and a nanny and a cleaner and didn't worry that the money I was paying them might be better spent in the future.

Get a sleep consultant and sort out the sleeping, it's making your dc too dependent on you alone and it's not something you enjoy

Good luck!