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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can emotionally abusive relationship ever change?

41 replies

Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 07:33

Exactly as it says really. My partner has been emotionally abusive I think for a while - controlling and critical about everyday things, gaslighting when things brought up and has thrown things/ punched walls a few times (though not for a while). Above this I have a bit of an issue with his values on life - I don't think he is kind and is just a bit of a short tempered, opinionated person. I'm only gaining clarity on the situation after counselling this year as I didn't know it was abusive due to the amount of gaslighting and thinking I was the problem.

So I'm at the point where I have voiced my desire to end things but he really wants us to try and for both of us to work to make each other happy. In fairness he has been miles better since I voiced things and I don't always communicate well as I find it difficult to share my feelings with him and let it all build up. He's trying to be more thoughtful towards me and pull his weight around our flat. But AIBU to not really want to give him another chance? Now I'm not saying I am perfect as I have my own things to work on. I just fear things will revert back and I'm getting to an age where I need to think long term for kids etc.

TIA for any advice.

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NeedToChangeName · 01/12/2023 11:36

Afterglow12 · 01/12/2023 10:45

@NeedToChangeName never thought about that as he can control his reactions to others in his life usually and chooses not to do the same for me. Though he does get road rage and shout at strangers for that so not always in control.

He's totally in control when he chooses to shout at strangers

It's a choice

I repeat again, it's a choice when he's abusive towards you

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 01/12/2023 10:45

@NeedToChangeName never thought about that as he can control his reactions to others in his life usually and chooses not to do the same for me. Though he does get road rage and shout at strangers for that so not always in control.

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Original poster
Afterglow12 · 01/12/2023 10:42

@ManateeFair no he's never hit me, he punched a wall several times

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ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 10:36

Wait, he has PUNCHED YOU in the past and he thinks you 'both need to work on making each other happy'?

No. This man will not changed.

Surely you can see that this is just more of his gaslighting?

DuchessOfSausage · 01/12/2023 09:30

Yes. They can get much worse. Best change you can make is to end it.

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 01/12/2023 09:28

@SavBlancTonight completely agree as I feel when I come to end things now it will be but I've done everything you wanted. I'm too scared to stay and live my life this way so I need to.

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NeedToChangeName · 01/12/2023 09:27

Well, they can change

But, usually they don't, because deep down ,they don't really want to. This book might help you https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Remember, domestic abuse is always a choice. Does he shout at his boss? Throw things at his Mum? Thought not. So, he can control his temper when he wants to

SavBlancTonight · 01/12/2023 09:00

And even this period of "niceness" will be used against you in due course... "I fucking do everything you ask and help with the washing up and don't hmshout and you are never happy". Like these basic things are huge chores and massive concessions from him.

Please go now before you areso entangled you can't.

VulcanVause · 01/12/2023 08:37

OP, please do not have children with him. He will revert back and become alot worse when you have kids as you’re more vulnerable and locked in. If this happens, you will then have to watch your kids witness and be affected by his behaviour.

CornedBeef451 · 01/12/2023 08:34

If you have no kids then run!

My DH changed because he did acknowledge his behaviour and has stopped the main thing that was the issue, which was blaming me for anything that went wrong, not talking to me for 3 weeks at a time and glaring at me with hatred.

It was quite an isolated set of behaviours though, rather than insults and gaslighting.

I think in your situation you should leave, get counselling and then meet someone lovely!

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 01/12/2023 08:16

@Ebokebok thank you I really appreciate the advice and you're right, deep down I know it's not me that's the problem.

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Ebokebok · 30/11/2023 22:14

@Afterglow12 Read everything you can about gaslighting. It literally alters your brain chemistry and makes you doubt your reality. You KNOW he's abusive and toxic and you KNOW you're flogging a dead horse but he's manipulated you to such an extent that you barely know which way is up. I'm so sorry that you've experienced this kind of abuse. It's absolutely awful and really can destroy you....which is why it's so important to get out asap before even more damage is done to you.

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 21:07

Thanks for all these responses, I hadn't realised anyone else had posted and I really needed all of those.
I've been sat upset wondering if I'm maybe the problem because I'm never happy and just want to be a victim. These are the thoughts that keep me here as I feel like maybe I've been toxic to him and things could change but I know I'm just.kidding myself as these are things he has planted into my head. I just need to do it and work on building myself a happy life rather than blaming myself.

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SanitySlowlyGoing · 30/11/2023 20:42

Get out while you can OP.
I didn't, now its 30 years down the line and I'm stuck and miserable.

FrazzledDragon · 30/11/2023 20:24

No, it just gets worse. Being better for a bit is part of the cycle. And, in my experience at least, throwing things and punching walls progresses to shoves and threats. Just leave.

Ebokebok · 30/11/2023 19:54

Throwing things and punching walls isn't just emotional abuse either. It's intimidating and threatening and intended to make you physically fear him. Do yourself a huge favour and walk away. In fact, run, don't walk. He won't change and there's nothing you can say or do that will make the slightest difference. You owe this abusive piece of crap nothing.

IVFgothope · 30/11/2023 19:45

No, they usually get worse after a period of pretending to be better.

I know it's easier said than done but strongly recommend to leave asap. The longer you stay the harder it gets.

You're worthy of a healthy relationship.

Treacletoots · 30/11/2023 19:45

My exH was EXACTLY the same.

When I finally kicked him out he'd come back every few days begging me to take him back because of how shit HE was feeling, how it was as stressing HIM out and so on.

He never did ask me how I was, but the answer was, fucking wonderful since I got rid of that selfish twat.

They don't change. There's plenty of other men out there, or even being single is ultimately far better than being stuck with someone who treats you like shit.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 30/11/2023 19:45

I’ve just read he doesn’t acknowledge it

I wish I was aware that his behaviour towards me was EA but I was so naive

I think you know what you need to do

in a years time you will be so glad that you did

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/11/2023 19:43

Even if he managed to improve his behaviour specifically towards you, why on earth would you want to remain in a relationship with a man who is generally short-tempered, unkind and opinionated? That is his personality you're describing. He's not going to magically change it now.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 30/11/2023 19:42

I would leave before you end up having any children

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 30/11/2023 19:40

As someone who is in the process of waiting for my decree absolute - no

we we’re together for over 19 years and it was a constant yo yo of being good for a short while and then long periods of bad.

if he admits he has an issue and is willing to go to therapy you might have a chance but in reality you might be waiting for something that isn’t going to happen

sorry

Livinginanotherworld · 30/11/2023 19:16

You can do better, they don’t change believe you me, they just start humouring you. Then they slip again…..and again.

BlastedPimples · 30/11/2023 19:13

They only ever get worse.

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 16:21

@Haveyouanyjam I know, I am lucky there are no children involved. I've made a list of examples of the times I can think of off the top of my head where he has put me down or been abusive and it's taken me about 10 minutes to have over 40 examples so it says it all.

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