Mum STILL self-isolating

There are people who are vulnerable who are still isolating. It's not discussed much on social media because it's impossible to mention without certain groups seeing it as a chance to rehash their lockdown arguments.
There are also some people who have developed agoraphobia. Getting angry about it won't help. Maybe you could have a chat with your DM about what steps would make her feel comfortable coming for Christmas or encourage her to have a chat with her GP about how to approach it? Depending on where you are, there are Covid hubs that address vulnerabilities and MH impacts.

A 70 year old relative is currently waiting for their appointment at a DVD clinic because they listened to people like the idiots on this thread and didnt wear a mask in a crowd. While covid may be mild for a lot of people it certainly is not for everyone. They were pretty ill for 2 weeks and are potentially at risk of a stroke or death. The risks of covid continue after you have apparently recovered.

If your mother would rather be alive and healthy than suffering for a couple of weeks with covid and possibly either dying from it or getting long covid who are you to tell her she is "mentally ill" or "suffering from health anxiety" as if that anxiety was not justified at her age and in her state of health.

Instead of showing your mother you dont care if you kill her how about promising that you will all take covid tests before she visits, seeing her outdoors when you can and finding places she can happily visit with you, like local gardens.

I think to be honest I was kind of thinking the same thing out loud when I said some people have just revised their way of doing things post covid. I think many found they actually quite liked the way it freed up their schedule. We are all different: some love to be out and doing , which is what we have moved towards as a society in recent decades. But my grandparents ( who were not round during the pandemic) were from a different era. They went to bed early the night before “ going into town” and the next morning my grandfather would “bring the car out” about half an hour ahead of leaving. Off they went hatted and coated. The rest of the time they chatted by the fire, baked, tinkered, read, gardened, wrote letters “ inviting people to tea” - which precipitated another early night every so often. They couldn’t have been happier. Maybe OPs mum quite likes a slower pace, and to that extent it is a choice, which to dons extent she is entitled to make. But if she is missing healthcare and family she needs to be coaxed out. And summer give her less excuses/dampen her fears, depending on which the resistance is. Even my grandparents went to the doctor: “ I’ll bring the car out…”

@ChocolateCinderToffee can I ask if you are 70 or thereabouts?

Because the OP's mother is only a few years older than me and there is no way I am ready to sit down, shut my self away, fence myself in!

The majority of 70 year olds are fit and healthy (even if they have asthma) , and out and about. Using cheap travel on trains and buses, having a social life, going on cruises and wintering on the Costas (if they can afford it - I can but wish!).

How do you how 70 yos feel?

I came here to say the same thing. My DM is 80 and immunocompromised due to medical she takes As soon as she could stop shielding she did. She is fully vaccinated but caught covid last year. Tested positive, called the doctor, sent to hospital for antiviral drip, home within 5 hours, and only had cold like symptoms. Her life is back to normal.

@AussieManque you might want to actually read the discussion and conclusion of the link you have posted!!

Maybe OP's mum has been reading threads like this and thinking 'no thanks':
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4945509-to-ask-if-you-have-this-horrible-cold
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/coronavirus/4914126-long-covid-please-tell-me-it-gets-better

With any luck there might be a sterlising vaccine soon so next Christmas the problem will be solved: https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/coronavirus/are-covid-nasal-vaccines-on-the-way

I know of a few people like this. I think not going out and living your life or seeing your loved ones because you’re scared of dying is just awful. I would rather die early than have that be my life permanently.

@Calliopespa love your username.

""In fairness, she has been quite resourceful with the trip with her friend etc"

Actually, that would upset me more.

One (former) friend of mine went to a holiday cottage with her husband. She sat in the car while he went in and disinfected everything but there were still people in there until at least the day before she used it.

So she was willing to do that but would only consider meeting me outdoors and masked and keeping distance - that was last summer. Her garden was effectively off limits to me too because I wasn't allowed to use the toilet.

I respect OP mum has the right to live as she chooses but I can't help thinking, to some extent this is a choice and not an anxiety problem.

I equally understand that OP mum may not want to be around little kids.

But I wouldn't rush to assume it's an anxiety problem. She's letting a hairdresser into her home and gone to a holiday cottage that was likely vacated the day before.

I don't how long Covid can stay airborne or on surfaces though.

some people are genuinely scared, sone have crossed over into anxiety, but I don't think OP mum can claim that.

I’m so sorry for your loss 🩷

I can only compare to my own mother, who is 78 and asthmatic. She is also losing her sight to macular degeneration and absolutely determined to make the most of the seeing years that she has left. For her, avoiding active involvement in her children and grandchildren's lives is an existence, not a life, and beyond sensible precautions she is determined to enjoy the fullness of life. Don't make ageist generalisations about a woman nearly a decade younger than her.

YABU.

You are validating and normalising it here by saying she is still self isolating.

She isn't. She's developed agoraphobia and social anxiety.

Start labelling it correctly and directly rather than pandering to her.

@Unitedthebest, your post is very moving and thought provoking and I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

She's 70 not ancient!

DH is 70 and I have family in their 80s and 90s. None of them think that staying staying indoors all the time is an acceptable trade off for avoiding Covid. DH was horrified when there was talk about over 65s shielding during the pandemic and was very clear he wouldn't be doing it. My 88 year old uncle has rediscovered his love of going to the theatre.

That’s interesting. I have asthma and have had covid three times and it notably has not affected my lungs at all. I have had a hunch that it could be connected to my asthma inhaler, but not checked it out with anyone medical.

She was 67 when she started this

I was very scared of covid as I had it in the first wave and was seriously ill plus I’m prone to anxiety. So I had about 1.5 years of being isolated, it took me a year to fully recover from covid. I am still scared but had a realisation that I was experiencing what I call almost a living death by isolating. Now I’m doing a voluntary job, dance class and other stuff. I started by doing outdoor things and volunteer at an allotment. I’m still wary of enclosed crowded and stuffy environments. I do have a minor heart condition as well.

Your Mum is anxious so you can’t reason, she needs her own ephipany. One of the main reasons I had mine was two of my friends died, nothing to do with covid. We are only in our fifties it was so very sad and I realised maybe I will die and have done nothing for the last years of my life. I do things like go out for dinner very early as soon as restaurants open so it’s less busy.

There is being alive and there is just existing and they are very different states.

No one is disputing covid is here…or doing the rounds….or another variant etc…and yes of course it can be debilitating..
But…at what point will you start to live? Trust me…something could happen overnight that could change your life forever (it did to our family) and I don’t want to waste my life missing out on beautiful moments.
We lost our 8 year old daughter suddenly in January…no warning. (Nothing to do with a virus). She was vulnerable and had significant disabilities. One thing I will always be thankful for is that we gave her a full life not ruled by fear. We could have wrapped her up and kept her hidden to ‘protect’ her but we didn’t. She loved her life…how many of us can truly say that?

Live x

My mum is the same at 77 - but she was just waiting for the opportunity for many years. She had a covid jab but states she now has long covid and a doctor told her that she got it from the vaccine.
I phoned her yesterday as not spoken to her for weeks. She was too busy to talk as she was feeding the cat and had to write a shopping list (for someone else to get her shopping for her). She is increasingly mistrustful of the world - but it started long before covid. She is not changing either.

DH (cancer) and I were/sort of still are a bit your mum.

we decided we had to make the effort o get out more at beginning of September, three weeks in we got a cold, it lasted six blinking weeks, we were horrendous. I think Covid would have probably been easier (well for me maybe, and DH can have the infusion, he’s had it before so we know it works).

we obviously had no immunity left after three and half years indoors, we wore masks a lot when we did go out. Now we are just trying to live more BUT we did both last week wear masks during half term when we inadvertently went to huge shopping centre not realising kids were off school.

I was grieving for a life we’d lost, we are slowly getting there, there are a couple of things I’m still avoiding but a wi meeting of fifty people in a small hall with no ventilation is a breeding ground for all sorts of bugs even before Covid.

I don’t have any answers OP but we were your mum and it’s really hard to move on, maybe as PP see if she’s eligible for the Covid medication.

Seriously, I don’t think asthma exacerbates Covid:
‘Recent findings: Patients with asthma are neither at greater risk of becoming infected by SARS-CoV-2 nor they are at risk of complications of COVID-19but those requiring frequent use of oral corticosteroid may be at greater risk.’
There are probably bigger things at stake here.

Same situation- my mum lives other side of country so family haven’t seen her for 4 years ( her choice). Unfortunately she has become very ill and when we visited in hospital she was very tearful. Not sure if she will ever get home but definitely regret there

I understand your frustration OP but I wonder if now is the best time to be looking to resolve things. I was at the GP about two weeks ago and he apologised that he was just winding up a self test when I went in and said he would be half a minute longer but that they are needing to test regularly again as covid is circulating and causing real problems for the elderly and vulnerable. On top of that Christmas is always a bad time for germs anyway with everyone inside and socialising at work parties, school carol singing in the lead up, more crowds in the shops etc. It would be a big step back in helping your mum venture out longer term if she did pick it up. But I would speak to her about agreeing a plan over the spring and summer to build up her confidence- starting with trips to parks, outdoor cafes etc. In fairness, she has been quite resourceful with the trip with her friend etc. And some people just don’t miss the shopping crowds etc as much as others. Many have tweaked their schedules post covid. Healthcare is a bit more worrying … But if you really want to pursue the Christmas get together could you “ pander” to her fears by all testing before?

Or she might feel the complete opposite, you've had a good life and any risks are worth taking so you can make the most of the rest of your life, even if it means that life may be shorter.

If you were your mother’s age you would be very keen to preserve your health in any way you could.