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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum STILL self-isolating

306 replies

Mumofteens4892 · 29/11/2023 10:19

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

OP posts:
CityLass · 30/11/2023 06:21

TempestTost · 30/11/2023 01:54

It's too bad OP. There is a % of people who were really topped over the edge into a spiral of anxiety by the messaging around covid. It's not healthy at all, and what they don't seem to realize is that social isolation itself is a huge killer.

I would be inclined at this point to be blunt, and ask her what exactly she is living for, when she has cut herself off from her children and grandchildren?

Which seems mean under normal circumstances, but sometimes people in a spiral like that need a shock to get themselves out of it.

Her life, her choices. Since when are we living in a Communist state?

CityLass · 30/11/2023 06:20

GladioliandSweetPeas · 30/11/2023 02:14

Never again?! What in the actual heck? So that's it for the rest of her life?! I'd be calling adult social services to check on her because she sounds mentally ill

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Why? Because she doesn't want to to be infected with a level 3 biohazard? You are the one sounding mentally ill and sadistic too.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 30/11/2023 02:14

FrasierReboot · 29/11/2023 10:44

Someone that I know actually prides herself on still being in lockdown nearly 4 years later. She regularly posts on FB that she hasn't been in a shop since early 2020 and doesn't plan to again.

I think some people actually enjoy it

Never again?! What in the actual heck? So that's it for the rest of her life?! I'd be calling adult social services to check on her because she sounds mentally ill

TempestTost · 30/11/2023 01:54

It's too bad OP. There is a % of people who were really topped over the edge into a spiral of anxiety by the messaging around covid. It's not healthy at all, and what they don't seem to realize is that social isolation itself is a huge killer.

I would be inclined at this point to be blunt, and ask her what exactly she is living for, when she has cut herself off from her children and grandchildren?

Which seems mean under normal circumstances, but sometimes people in a spiral like that need a shock to get themselves out of it.

CouchCat · 30/11/2023 00:06

randomsabreuse · 29/11/2023 11:50

The thing is that now Covid is really no more deadly than Influenza, Chicken Pox, RSV, other random viruses if you are severely immunocompromised.

When DH was on Chemo well before COVID we basically isolated for the 6 months, avoiding crowded indoor places etc because we had a young baby and could still do outdoor stuff like walking.

If we'd had an older kid (school age) or the restrictions were going to be long term we'd have made different choices because life is for living...

COVID isn't that special any more, we're probably more aware of personal space and hygiene and resent the idiots who come into work unnecessarily when symptomatic of anything (COVID or not, don't share a respiratory virus please) but all the long term and bad effects are quite possible with flu and other viruses too. There are vaccines, treatments have been developed so it's on a par with existing nasties rather than being a tier on its own!

Hmm. Also interesting. I have a relative with a type of cancer that causes blood clots - enormous long clots. He is terminal. He has had Covid once and was hospitalised with more clots and blood in his urine. If he catches it again, it's likely game over.

You do know it's a vascular virus as well as respiratory, right? It is far more deadly.

CouchCat · 29/11/2023 23:57

CharityShopChic · 29/11/2023 11:46

Obviously not everyone who doesn't want to mix has a mental health problem @Fullofcaffeine . But didn't you read the REST of it? That this woman hasn't been in a shop since early 2020, is refusing to see an optician, insists on 10 days isolating before a holiday, etc etc etc.

That is not normal, however much the still-covid-anxious like to spin it.

It's so interesting. During the thick of Covid, particularly when masking was required, 'mental health' was a huge buzzword on the Covid board. However, it was used by those who didn't want to wear masks, or isolate, or do any of the mitigations suggested or mandated by the Government - supposedly because 'their mental health was suffering'.

But I suppose mental health support only applies in special cases, then?

Goodornot · 29/11/2023 23:28

Good luck to all the covid inhalers happy to spread disease and mayhem. You’ll need it!

WTAF

CityLass · 29/11/2023 23:15

If my child was happy for me to be infected with a level 3 biohazard pathogen, then despite the protestations of most posters here, I’d be happy for the relationship to slide and wonder what I did wrong to raise such an uncaring, ignorant and selfish human. Good luck to all the covid inhalers happy to spread disease and mayhem. You’ll need it!

EmmaEmerald · 29/11/2023 21:15

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 20:17

That doesn't mean OPs mum will be 85 one day needing help or that she will want it from OP. My parents are that age and don't require help and many people don't even live that long.

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I was merely suggesting it as a possibility. You seem quite ...offended...by this mere suggestion.

OP, I hope you are okay 💐

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 29/11/2023 20:47

user1497207191 · 29/11/2023 10:43

I think that the OP should be "encouraging" her mother out in the Summer months, when more people are outside and the likes of covid/flu etc aren't as common - just to build up some confidence about getting out and about again in a much safer environment. Once they've been out a few times, been shopping a few times, and havn't caught anything, they'll have confidence to get out and do more (and start to pick up natural immunity again).

Christmas is probably the riskiest time of year for people to get together, as it's more likely to be indoors, in a warm/enclosed environment, people crowded together, some of those attending probably are contagious, even if just with a cold or other viral disease. For someone who's not been out much, or at all, then suddenly spending a few hours with lots of other people in a confined space is probably the worst thing to do!

If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd just let Christmas come and go without fuss and work on getting her mother re-acclimatised to the outside World next year, after Easter, when the weather's warmer, infectious diseases are much lower, more to do outside, etc., as a long term "rehabilitation" plan towards Xmas 2024!!

I agree with everything this poster says .

Absolutely, your mum needs encouraging to rejoin the 'real world' but Christmas isn't the time to do it. I get that instinctively you see Christmas as family time - but as well as all the other winter bugs circulating, it's a time of year when your family is likely to have been mixing more than at other times with all the usual pre-Christmas meet ups.

I think the idea of encouragement throughout the year, particularly during the summer and hopefully building up to Christmas dinner next year .

Newsenmum · 29/11/2023 20:23

Mumofteens4892 · 29/11/2023 10:43

So... she hasn't been in a shop since covid. Home deliveries only. She gets her prescriptions delivered also.

She stayed with a friend last month and they went from there to a holiday cottage for a week. The friend self-isolated for 10 days prior to her visit. I go to her house for a coffee very occasionally. She's been to our house only once or twice.

She gets her hair cut by a visiting hairdresser who uses face-mask...etc. She needs new glasses but is avoiding going to the optician. She'll go to the dentist if she has to.

TBH we have become so accustomed to it, it has become "normal". Your comments are really helpful.

It sounds like she may have agoraphobia? No t uncommon in her age group. How does she seem mentally? Does she see you at all?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 29/11/2023 20:21

I think the lockdowns have caused immense damage the extent of which is still unknown and is not being addressed. I notice behavioural changes in people who were previously quite relaxed who now avoid busy places 'because of germs' and obsess with handwashing and sanitising. It is so sad that older people are cutting themselves off from friends and family and missing out on life because they are still living in fear, especially given what we are hearing the Covid inquiry.

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 20:17

EmmaEmerald · 29/11/2023 20:06

Right, fast forward 15 years... and my mum is considered to be quite good for 85 but needs lots of help.

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That doesn't mean OPs mum will be 85 one day needing help or that she will want it from OP. My parents are that age and don't require help and many people don't even live that long.

Hbh17 · 29/11/2023 20:14

ChocolateCinderToffee · 29/11/2023 13:52

If you were your mother’s age you would be very keen to preserve your health in any way you could.

This is not necessarily the case. Lots of people are ready to die, rather than live a very restricted life.

EmmaEmerald · 29/11/2023 20:06

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 19:59

What do you mean when OP's mums needs help? She is only 70 and presumably manages without OP's help perfectly okay.

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Right, fast forward 15 years... and my mum is considered to be quite good for 85 but needs lots of help.

lovescats3 · 29/11/2023 19:59

I'm 2 decades younger than your mother op and had no underlying conditions, caught COVID last year, being vaxed didn't stop me getting myocarditis and liver not working, thankfully am better now but still some heart pain, covid is not the same for everyone so I understand her fear

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 19:59

EmmaEmerald · 29/11/2023 19:47

I agree and I don't fit "normal" in many ways.

But I accept the consequences of my choices. The obvious consequence here is that when OP mum needs help, OP might not want to give it, because her mum didn't prioritise her....but went to a holiday cottage!

we can only assume OP mum is okay with this.

Edited
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What do you mean when OP's mums needs help? She is only 70 and presumably manages without OP's help perfectly okay.

lovescats3 · 29/11/2023 19:56

Sorry for your loss Zebedee 💐

PinkCyclamen · 29/11/2023 19:48

witchypaws · 29/11/2023 16:03

@PinkCyclamen I had the antiviral drugs
Still off work for 3/4 weeks, couldn't breathe properly, lost all my fitness, no work commission and was under the covid at home ward
And that was with the anti virals!

I'm really sorry to hear that @witchypaws . My DM has rheumatoid arthritis and is treated with a biologic and methotrexate which means she's immunosuppressed. She's also 80. She was lucky the AVs worked for her - she made the decision to get on with her life after lockdown because the alternative was what the OP is describing. As i think we've all experienced Covid doesn't appear to affect everyone the same and even people considered high risk like my mum seem to be relatively unscathed, but others get floored by it. I'm sorry that you've been so ill and hope you are better soon.

EmmaEmerald · 29/11/2023 19:47

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 19:32

What is "normal" and do people have to be "normal". As long as they are happy with their life what has it got to do with anyone else?

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I agree and I don't fit "normal" in many ways.

But I accept the consequences of my choices. The obvious consequence here is that when OP mum needs help, OP might not want to give it, because her mum didn't prioritise her....but went to a holiday cottage!

we can only assume OP mum is okay with this.

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 19:32

CharityShopChic · 29/11/2023 19:20

There are a lot of posters though who think that the OP's mother is being entirely reasonable and is living in a perfectly normal way.

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What is "normal" and do people have to be "normal". As long as they are happy with their life what has it got to do with anyone else?

ManchesterGirl2 · 29/11/2023 19:30

Zebedee55 · 29/11/2023 17:52

It's difficult. DH and I both had to shield. But, we didn't hide after it seemed to be over.

DH had all the vaccines (plus the Pneumonia and flu one) but died of Covid, plus Pneumonia complications, last April.

I don't know if mixing again caused it.

Edited

I'm sorry Zebedee 💐

CharityShopChic · 29/11/2023 19:20

2jacqi · 29/11/2023 18:27

@Mumofteens4892 your mum is going to be very lonely for the rest of her life!! covid is here to stay and it wont disappear! she cannot go into hiding forever and needs to just go for it and get out the house!

There are a lot of posters though who think that the OP's mother is being entirely reasonable and is living in a perfectly normal way.

2jacqi · 29/11/2023 18:27

@Mumofteens4892 your mum is going to be very lonely for the rest of her life!! covid is here to stay and it wont disappear! she cannot go into hiding forever and needs to just go for it and get out the house!

Fullofcaffeine · 29/11/2023 18:25

Mariposista · 29/11/2023 18:10

SHE might be but she is trashing her relationship with her entire family and imposing ridiculous limitations on her friends.
OP as kind as it is to offer to 'meet half way' and test etc, this will only drag out the problem and validate the behaviour. It is terribly terribly sad and I really feel for you.

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OP is seeing her now and then for coffee though. I appreciate that she is only 5 miles away but a lot of people don't see their parents more than that anyway. Perhaps she has been enjoying the last few Christmases by herself and and while the ten days isolation seems over the top before going on holiday perhaps her friend didn't see people much anyway. I'm sure she wouldn't have done it if she didn't want to. Not everyone is sociable. I don't think my grandfather mixed much more than that 30 years ago. He just didn't want to.