DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

How did it go last night @AppelationStation ?

Couldn't have it put better.

Op, please dump, divorce and move back to London with your son, and take the camper van with you. You were the one who did the work on it, so you deserve to keep it.

I hadn't realised it was Campervan Twat!

I thought he was and arsehole then, and I think he's an arsehole now.

Yeah he's either a bit of a twat or very low on energy and drive or some other issue.

He hasn't recognised that even ignoring the fact you work more, he hasn't done 50 percent of the chores.

Tell him eye rolling is passive aggressive and unacceptable and he needs to do more chores and value your contribution.

I hope that @AppelationStation is still reading, and that it's not too hard to read random internet strangers' dissection of her marriage online.

It's meant kindly OP, but a lot of these posts must be hard to read for you. Some people are criticising you, which is not fair. You've been the boiling frog.

But I hope what you take from the angry and urgent posts on this thread telling you to get rid, or at least radically change the dynamics of your marriage (I doubt this is possible - he's an arse. Period) is that:

it's not you

There are real issues here which are his, not yours

His behaviour verges on abuse

You will probably be happier separated

I wish you all the luck and fortitude you can muster, which must be hard given how much you do - you basically do a double shift, of bringing in the money for 3 people, and doing all the care & running of a house of 3 people.

I have a former colleague like this. Down to the calling himself a feminist, making sloe gin, hobby job, claiming he does most of the cooking, Mandela/MLK complex, emotionally avoidant passive aggressiveness.

Every woman who has worked with him over a longer period knows he's an absolute twat, and eyerolls whenever he goes on about feminism. Trust me, there are people who already know and won't be surprised.

Yep to all this. He's very short sighted in what you do and is willing to short change you when he's supposed to provide support - unasked for, as he's supposed to be a thinking adult. 🌹

House devil Street angel is exactly the term my mum used too.
Even thought she still stayed with him till he died.
Peacefully in his sleep the bastard.

Fucking hell- I posted my comment on the back of this thread alone. I had no idea of your previous thread- have my first LTB. Leave this sorry arse of a man and go back to London with your son and LIVE!!! You deserve so much more. He is abusive- you don't need me to tell you how.

Oh yes. House devil, street angel my late mum used to call these types. They have a very carefully crafted public persona.

Why I always roll my eyes at the, but I've known him 12 years from social group or school or something and turns out in a relationship he's a complete twat.

I remember the campervan thread!
It was a unanimous LTB then.

Is all your money still being deposited into an account that is only in his name that you have to ask to use?

It's still a LTB.

You're being abused and used and you'd be much better off moving back to London.

Hmm probably not 😂😵‍💫

don’t usually search for OP’s other posts but mentions of the campervan thread (which I read at the time and seethed on OP’s behalf) made me search.

OP’s you’ve had a tough time, you’ve done so well, have a lovely child, a pressurised job in a very important sector, and held all the spinning plates your husband couldn’t be bothered to support you with. I can only imagine what you would be able to achieve without such a dead weight in your life.

I also hope you’re able to recoup the money he’s taken from you under some guise of you being wasteful when you were just taking proper care of your child.

all the best and we’re here for you

Thank you....can my blood pressure take it though?🙄🤔😄

@billy1966 campervan thread -
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4848671-to-think-dhs-actions-have-big-consequences?page=1

campervan thread just provides more evidence for what you said

The bit that got me here wasn't about the dishwasher, it was "he insisted I wash up". How can a man look at his partner when she is clearly run ragged and struggling and INSIST she does a household chore when he has sauntered in from an easy day?

Please look up the Freedom Programme. There's gaslighting and coercive control going on in your relationship- Your 'd'H is a twat.

Of*

Please listen. It's not you it's him. If course he appears lovely to others. Controlling people always do. Please think of DC if not yourself. They'll start picking up on his behaviour. You deserve a life.

Don't know this campervan thread, but one thing I DO know is when you read about the utterly shite lives of women like the OP, ........when they give you a thread of a snapshot of their life, I ALWAYS know it is NEVER in isolation......as do many others.

These selfish arseholes are always consistently arseholes in many areas and are absolute horrors as fathers.

I have multiple good friends that grew up in MC homes where there wasn't any overt abuse like alcohol or violence but where there fathers were deeply selfish men that treated their mothers with very little care or consideration.

Kept household budgets tight, never lifted a cup etc.

In any of the cases where the mothers died first, they stepped away and used the excuse of their own familys to not be involved in their care.

Where the fathers popped off first, they shed few if any tears and their mothers remaining years were blessed and happy.

Children grow up and they see the selfishness and ugliness of men like this clearly.

It is a sadness that remains with them in my experience.

Oh it's the campervan one.

Well, this is just life with this man. You can either continue to choose this life and start threads on Mumsnet about how shit it is, or you can choose a better life for yourself and your kids.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic. I'm the child of an unhappy marriage and, whilst I can see that one of my parents was the perpetrator, I resent both of them for maintaining the status quo that was so bloody miserable for all of us.

1. he sounds petty, like a teenager arguing with a sibling, over chores. Where is his empathy for you? Where is his responsibility, to stand up and lead when you’re busy.

2. what sort of role model is he providing for your children?

3. it sounds like you’re smart. Why do you not know better, or do you know it in your gut? It makes me sad that able and financially independent women like you, are still treated like this in today’s times.

What? Why?

My XH would consider himself a feminist. He also claimed he did a huge amount around the house (‘I do most of the cooking’ mmm heating things up is barely cooking). He also twisted things and blamed me whilst convincing the rest of the world he was wonderful. Also the anger and resentment/being in the dog house is familiar.
It took two completely separate people (never met) telling me some of his behaviour was controlling to see him for what he really was. We’d been together 15 years and I genuinely didn’t realise. It was like the scales fell off my eyes/glass shattering noise. I made plans to end it after that.
Honestly? Even though I’m a single parent with health problems, I’m better now than I was with him. The amount I have to do at home doesn’t feel like it’s changed much. My friend asked a couple of months after he left if I missed him. I replied ‘Only when I have to put the bin out!’ (I struggled due to an injury which has settled now). He created way more work at home and drama, especially with DD than he contributed. 2 years later, I still think of something he used to do and I thank my lucky stars we are divorced.

I find it very upsetting the idea of a life partner adding up who's done what in a single day and demanding a chore out of you in order to be ruthlessly "fair"