Pressure on children

I agree completely! The rage I feel that children so young are made to sit SATs and then as of being a teenager isn't hard enough, throw GCSE's and A levels at them! It's barbaric! I never want my child to feel their worth is tied up in their achievements (I was raised very much like this and it's crippled me emotionally). But as a teacher, I know that children love when you have expectations of them, so I try to find the balance with my child in that the pressure is OFF and they will never need to 'perform well' to earn my love and praise - they have that unconditionally. But I also want them to know that I expect them to be kind, to show empathy, to work hard etc. it's a balancing act and, like every parent I'm sure, I'm petrified of getting it wrong and my child will be the one in therapy in years to come, as I have been my whole adult life!!

She's 9 & has 2 tutors? Is she at private or state school?

That's such a sweeping & supercilious statement. I don't want to put pressure on my child as stress triggers her chronic illness but her illness also causes her to miss school so she needs to catch up, what do you suggest?

How long does it take to write a letter 10 times? 30 seconds or a minute tops? You could deaw them in flour or sand or on a steamed up window.It us hardly onerous! You are projecting your hang ups onto your kid!

That is so sad 😞

What are we doing to children. The poor things. If only they had a voice and could stand up for themselves.

Good on you advocating for your tiny child and now bowing to ridiculous homework expectations. The system/children needs more parents like you.

Absolutely OP, you're such a better parent than those dreadful parents that get their kids to do their homework and spend a bit of time teaching some extra maths and inculcating a work ethic. It's so much easier to get kids to form good habits when they're teenagers, as they're much more willing to listen. Qualifications are just a piece of paper, after all.

It's a balancing act. Some kids will do well academically anyway, others need motivating or support to reach their potential. My dd and ds won't learn their times tables off of their own backs so I set aside time to help support them. They won't have the bank of mum and dad to fall back on when they get older, I'm not doling our deposits or paying huge amounts for weddings. The aim here is to encourage them, increase their confidence, work with them to show them that they can work out problems and do well but it requires some effort. At the moment it's spellings, readings, number bonds and times tables. I'm not going to leave it all to their underpaid, overworked teacher who has 30 kids in her class. Our school don't dish out homework on new topics but it is to support stuff the kids have already been introduced to at school. Unless I engage with them how would I know if they were to need help, further support, failing to meet standards for their age?

@Heslikesnoverexcitedlabrador He’s nonplussed, sometimes he says ‘in a minute’, but he’s quite competitive, so likes getting them right.

I never have put pressure on ds he's always done ok, untill this year the main year just done his gcse mocks and failed everyone at parents evening was told he talks alot and doesn't get on with his work, I still don't pile the pressure on but he now knows he's to knuckle down and get on with his work also goes to after school revision to catch up.

At 9, absolutely. A happy child has a much better chance of being a happy adult. I agree that at primary school there should be minimal homework. All the homework can be counterproductive.

But by secondary school I think it's appropriate to start putting pressure on them. As said by others, happiness is easier if you are financially comfortable and have a job you enjoy.

It all sounds great OP but this is the real world. Children need some pressure to actually do things so that when they grow up they have life choices and can enjoy life - which inevitably involves having a decent standard of living.

Many people are filled with regret that they did not achieve more at school.

OP Is the 9 year old you mention at a prep school? I can honestly say that at an average state primary, there will be little to no pressure… in fact it borders on the other extreme.
Most children quite enjoy getting spellings correct and it improves their memory which is a vital skill going forward. Likewise as a pp has said, times tables frees up their brains for more complex maths.
I do however think there should be more emphasis on learning about the natural world though.

It think so much of it also depends on the child themselves. My DD was very sensitive and we had a very hard time with maths. I was always low pressure, but she would get herself into a fit about maths. I think the covid period weirdly helped because I was able to bring her into my day to day and include maths in cooking, cleaning, walks etc. She has become more confident.

Also our home is full of books which we read together and I encourage reading time (I also make time to read for work and now that she is a teen we do our work on the table together after school). We also sing and dance to catchy YouTube videos.

Im low pressure but as a means to build character I do tell her it’s important to try and that a low result is not the end of the world. Of course I think it’s important to learn to read and write and do basic maths at least. Also we don’t do any extra work at home, not in primary school. I know so many parents that make their children do extra work at home but we would play, if we did reading and writing it was “for fun” and we would learn spellings together which she became confident in when she found her learning style - this also takes time.

I do know other parents that are super strict but then have children that are not responding well to school. It is far more important to teach self awareness, social skills and good attitudes at the young age. They have a world of homework and hard work in secondary.

It varies massively from school to parents to child. I’m a teacher too and I have put pressure on my own children to try hard in everything they do. In their teen years I absolutely pushed them to revise for exams. The reality is that unless you are born into money you need some form of education to pay your bills and in order to live comfortably you need an income. I don’t care what they become but they will become something.
At primary level I think the pressure for most children is minimal. Reading and timetables isn’t about completing work, it’s about developing a basic life skill and in primary, a love of reading. Knowing times tables frees up their working memory so they can access more complex things.
I can honestly say that the kids I teach don’t feel pressured to get the best results but they also know that hard work has rewards and they can have fun with it. Lots of us spend hours and hours making our lessons fun and engaging.

My twins are Year 1. Both have SEN and are 'behind in their learning'.
At this stage in their young lives, I'm focused on their emotional wellbeing, as opposed to academic achievement.
They don't do home work, as I choose to keep home and school firmly separate.
I'll adapt this to suit each child in time.

Ds is 4, in reception, and we're figuring it out. Our school gives out star of the day (he sobbed for an hour once when he didn't get it because he was 'never going to be good enough'), and expects daily reading with journal filled in, a maths app 3x a week, phonics writing and reading every few days, and then a random project every other week.

Me and dp work full time, both log on again in the evening after bedtime, have a 1yo in nursery. We couldn't make it work already (!!!) and said as much to the teacher. Learning was becoming a chore for him and stressful for everyone. We'd gone from me collecting at school and going to the library, collecting leaves in the park, or doing crafts backed up with books/videos about say wooly mammoths or volcanoes, to regimented copying of letters over and over.

I just thought about it one evening and said no. Some kids (and adults) don't respond or thrive under pressure, and need more free learning. Whose business is it if we do number blocks or crafting instead of copying the letter a 10 times?! Some things he loves to be pushed on (numbers), others need more gentle/subtle support (reading/writing).

There's too much pressure on children and parents. They're not robots, thankfully.

YABU

My dc are y1 and y4 and this academic year is the first time I've made a real effort to do spellings and times tables, workbooks etc with them outside of school. Not an excessive amount by any means. I do not have wildly high expectations of them academically but I do want them to get reasonable grades so they have more options. The more options they have the more likely it is that they'll be happy in their work because they have more choice.

I don't know anyone who worked hard at school who regrets it tbh but I have heard people say that they wish they had worked harder.

And I'm not a high achiever by any means.

Like others have said, there is a happy medium. My 8 year old has a spelling test every Friday. It’s 10 words. If we practice on the Tuesday he may get half right, the ones he gets wrong, we practice on Wednesday, if he gets any wrong, we keep learning them. It takes maybe 10 mins, three times a week, if that. I’m not putting pressure on him, but I think it’s important. He’s never got one wrong in the actual test, and I don’t care if he did. But with a bit of encouragement and 10 mins of work whilst I’m cooking dinner, he’s doing well. If we didn’t practice (which loads of parents don’t), he’d get maybe half right and half wrong and I think he’d be disheartened.

I think the level of pressure a parent thinks they are putting on a child, and the level of pressure that child experiences, can be world apart.

And there are many different sorts of pressure. My DS did a GCSE for which the school couldn't recruit a teacher. He experienced plenty of stress and pressure through that without us putting any expectations on him for a high mark. If I had my time over I'd have got a tutor for him. I think it would have relieved the pressure in that case.

I have my 6 year old worrying and upset about “quizzes” they are doing in school every morning this week. I’ve only just found out this is what they are doing, so I’ve not been able to support her until this evening. School aren’t doing Sats any more so I’m guessing this is instead of them, although I was expecting their replacement to be post Christmas atleast.

She asked me earlier if there was a 30p coin and I said no, the look of panic on her face was heartbreaking.

It's a balance though, isn't it? Your example of the 9 year old is one massive extreme, but you seem to be at the other end. There is a happy medium in between. Mumsnet is full of posts about people whose offspring in their late teens, early 20s or even older are at home computer gaming or whatever all day, doing nothing, achieving nothing, unambitious and unable or unwilling to support themselves. That's a terrible state to leave your DD in as an adult.

Doing homework in primary isn't just about learning the spelling words or the times tables, it's about starting to learn the skills of learning, learning that it's better to sit down and focus on something and get it done than procrastinate, learning that it's worth struggling with something hard to overcome the struggle and get a sense of achievement and be proud of yourself, etc

I completely agree. Children are put under far too much pressure to succeed academically and aren’t given enough time to actually be children. The school day is long enough for a small child without them having to do more work when they get home. I also used to teach and hated it to be honest. I absolutely love children but like you say aspects of teaching are so problematic and can be damaging to children. When parents complained to me that they were having battles with their child over homework I used to say don’t worry about it, I don’t actually care if the homework is done, I only set it because the head of year makes me. I probably shouldn’t have said that but I didn’t want any child being upset at home over my homework. You can see why I don’t teach anymore lol