To expect engagement

No consolation to you but you’ll maybe be the making of him.

If he’d moved in, you’d enable the sponging side of him, but by setting clear and self-respecting boundaries you may give him pause to consider his own attitudes to and expectations of women.

Do you know his parents at all? Often a revealing dynamic.

Change is painful and you did care deeply for him so sending you a 💐 and I hope your heart heals quickly.

Haha ha but it was fine for him to say you’d get engaged when you moved in and then cancel that plan? You are so well rid!

it sounds to me like you aren’t sure about him anyway.

As a side note if he moves in and starts contributing to bills etc then you broke up, he would then be entitled to some of the equity in your property. This is my major concern with you being so young still, and it leaves you quite exposed financially.

if you are going to support him financially whilst he does his PHD then I think it’s best to not live together yet.

If you are sure about him and see a future together then why not try living together first ( but please get some basic advice from citizens advice or you can get free one hour legal advice from most solicitors)

Being engaged is lovely but you are young still and need to think carefully about protecting yourself first.

I am so sorry you’re hurt but you can see him for what he is. A manipulator and user. Better to know now than 10 years down the line or when you’d invested more time in him and he ultimately showed his true colours… which he is likely to have done as he doesn’t see you as a real person, rather a means to an end.

Cocklodger 🚩

I’m probably older than everyone on here and highly relieved to here your update OP.
I would be very thankful he’s shown his true colours before you moved in together, it’s saved you even more grief.
He’s a chancer and a loser, you can do so much better 💐

Good on you for ending it - you deserve sooo much better. I'd echo what @Mudflaps said and the advice from @notanoda and@billy1966 among others.
Good riddance to the abusive prick.

Stay strong and have faith in yourself.A life partner should cheer for you when you do well and pick you up and dust you down when you fall - above all he should treat you with kindness. Sending hugs

I'm sorry it's ended like this. But you've had a lucky escape. He sounds an absolute user and twat.

This is very good advice.

My ( well off ) friend has bought Flats for her two student aged kids.

The kids are under strict instructions to tell their friends that’s it’s their mums flat, so they are not targeted by users. The flats are obviously NOT rented as they are too nice inside and no one would believe that the kids are buying them with a mortgage as they don’t earn enough.

He's mentioning future women out of fury that OP has turned out to be quite the mug he thought her to be.

He was too cocky, too confident.

He will be so pissed off that he overplayed and showed his hand.

He will be thinking fxxk, why did I let on that I haven't a notion of marrying her, that her home is the huge attraction whilst I fart around doing a phd, not working, not contributing a penny to her morgage free home, whilst you no doubt runs around looking after me, proving you are worthy of an engagement.🙄

Men either want to be with you or they don't.

Screw this "trial" while they try you out in YOUR home, rent free.

You are not a car.

Stop telling any man your business if you don't want to be used and abused.

Make them work for you, persue you.

If you don't value what you have to offer to a relationship, how do you expect any man too?

There are too many users out there to offer yourself up on a plate.

Value yourself.
Know your self worth.
Find the above.
Google and read carefully the Shark Cage analogy.

Don't go near another man until you have the above sorted.

Well done for posting and listening to your gut.

You can do this.

He's already talking about a future woman, just goes to show he wasn't as invested in this relationship.
Breakups are hard, even when you're the one to end things. But be glad it's before you'd moved in with him/got married/had kids.

In future OP, don't disclose your home ownership as some men are leeches and good at playing the long game.

I realise you'd been together a while but he was hanging on until he finished his PhD.

You're worth more than someone who doesn't care about making you feel special on your birthday.

There are decent men out there who will treat you as you deserve. ❤

• shield from

Well done for getting preventing a future crisis, OP. You should be proud of yourself.
I was in your shoes a decade ago, I wish I had people with wisdom and experience to guide me to making better decisions.
Someone said going forward, do not tell men you are mortgage-free. Please take this advice.
I started doing the same after my cock-lodging user doctoral candidate of an ex. I usually tell men I'm dating that I'm renting (if I'm happy for them to stay over for the night) or that I'm living with family (if they don't have suitable accommodation of their own and can't host me - why should I host them). I simply meet them where they are. It's helped me shield a lot of users.

when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him this is not the actions of a sweet man nor of a kind and caring one..

Me too.

An excellent response should he get back to you.

When he has his Phd and an excellent salary, to give you a call.

Many working people do Masters and PHds whilst working high flying jobs, my husband did years ago.

I would be so wary of those wishing to avoid real life and the dirty business of making a living, paying their way, by remaining in education.

The everlasting student is a real caricature.

You've done the right thing. It's quite clear that he wanted to be in control of the relationship, using it and you for his own benefit.

Did you laugh when he said that and ask him if he was going to take the same approach?

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this but there were bad signs here. Did you even address the birthday card thing wit him? Punishing you by withholding any attention on your birthday is so not okay (well, unless you'd had a raging row because you'd slept with someone the night before. But I'm assuming that's NOT the case!).

I vote for @LaurieStrode on this one.

Sending love and strength OP. Absolutely the right decision. Don’t let him manipulate you. You are totally within your rights and you deserve better than a man prepared to manipulate and emotionally abuse you into letting him live off you. Much better men are out there.

Please stay strong. He chipped away at your self-esteem, lowering your expectations and future faking. Why wouldn't he want to contribute to society and have a life by working? Was he going to do voluntary work? Or would you have been subsidising his specialness? Of course you are not untrustworthy for setting boundaries around who lives in YOUR home!!! He will probably fake remorse, pretend to change, and alternate love-bombing you with further damage to your self-esteem, to get back on his housing ticket. He can apply for a grant or win a prize to see him through his PhD, or walk dogs or stack shelves or something. He's been stringing you along and you deserve better. Don't take him back, even if his landlord chucks him out, his goldfish dies, and his PhD programme folds.

His absolute intention was to use you for accommodation, have no doubt.
He is very pissed off with you and himself.

He certainly does not care or love you.

The lack of birthday gift to punish you is really fxxked up.

He is NOT who you think he is.

He sees you as a huge money saving exercise.

I am so glad that your gut warned you AND you listened.

Clever woman👏👏👏

Once he moved in, paying zero, he would have been very difficult to shift.

You are so blessed that you realised this.

His love bombing you has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

He is love bombing free accommodation that's all.

You could be ANYONE.

Absolutely ANYONE.

Keep reminding yourself of that.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to strengthen your boundaries.

Free accommodation is not something to offer anyone.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to keep your private financial business 100% quiet.

Lie, and say you have a big morgage.

Otherwise you risk attracting the wrong type.

Keep posting for support.
We are here for you.

He was pretty upset and said in his next relationship he wouldn't let a woman say something and not stick to it.

Well that statement says it all really. a) he wouldn't LET a woman, and b) HE said something and didn't stick to it first - that's one of the main reasons that you are where you are.

Good luck OP and stick to your guns

Well done, that you’ve finished with him. You absolutely will not regret it. As soon as you go out - even for just a drink - with a normal, nice guy, you’ll see what a prick your ex was. Good luck 🌺

Cohabiting before marriage is not a good idea. It's not because everybody does it that it's good. You can look up the data, it's not an opinion. He's got some balls but not the right kind. He is not chasing you but being coercive and you are just dating ? I would drop the cock who wants to be a free lodger.

Wow that last statment from him was so bizzare. Sounds worrying. Move in or break up. So your could turn around and says get engaged or breakup. He would prob breakup and think your psycho. So right back at him. Move in or break up. Wow. I don't think this sounds like a healthy relationship either. Sorry.