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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying a single mum instead.

37 replies

emmaxelsie · 27/11/2023 21:02

Currently I'm a single mum with 5 year old son. He is autistic and I am his carer, we live in a flat and while we used to struggle financially, we are now comfortable.
I've been with my boyfriend for a while, he is lovely and gets on well with my son. But for a while he kept saying how sad he would be if he didn't have his own biological child and he was worried as I said I wouldn't have any kids after 29 (only because I had mine at 20 and don't want to keep restarting the clock on restless nights etc). So now I'm pregnant and obviously we have been looking at moving in together.
He is so excited, but here's my issue. Financially I would be worse off, I would be expected to do most of the Child labour. He works 5 days a week and says he expects me to get a job soon after moving in, but ideally would also like me to do that while doing my doctorate (which I was planning to do before finding out I was pregnant). I would be better off keeping my little one at his school, be financially stable with my own money and not have more pressure on me. He wants me to take just about any job, while he said he wouldn't be willing to give up his job unless I earned WAY more then him. It all seems unfair to me.
So AIBU for deciding to stay a single mum?

OP posts:
NonWiredNancy · 27/11/2023 21:52

This is a total no-brainer, OP, surely? Your BF doesn't sound "lovely" in the slightest I'm afraid - he sounds like an absolute shit. Stay where you are (not least because an autistic child needs stability), go for your doctorate as planned and do not put him on the baby's birth certificate.

Rjahdhdvd · 27/11/2023 21:51

Have you considered what happens if he disappears off and doesn’t help at all with the baby? I know you’re a single mum to your son but just checking you’ve considered the possibility that you could be doing everything for both DC?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2023 21:44

None of it sounds good. Presumably your boyfriend wants to have his own child and to live with that child. You suggest the pregnancy is his idea but that you’d now not live together. What do you expect him to think?

Is it the best thing for your son to have a new baby in the house and you doing it all by yourself?

Is it best for the baby to live with one parent 5 days a week and the other 2?

Is a further qualification the best priority?

It’s hard to work out what you’re thinking with the whole thing tbh. How do you see things going?

Yoyooo · 27/11/2023 21:36

How many weeks pregnant are you?

Squiggles23 · 27/11/2023 21:35

I’m confused OP… so he’s your boyfriend and you are having a baby together but you want to be a single mum?

I don’t get it… how are you going to afford everything and raise the kids by yourself?

If you are thinking of doing a doctorate, you must already have a degree? So surely you are able to get a fairly well paid job?

Have you not moved in together? I would want to be a little family and ideally bring up my new baby with both parents together. I wouldn’t split that up just so I could do my own thing. Feel like there must be more to this?

Ollifer · 27/11/2023 21:30

This doesn't seem a fair situation on your existing child never mind you op.

Original poster
emmaxelsie · 27/11/2023 21:23

I knew I'd get one of those "you should of expected this" people on here. Sadly lifes not as simple, we did talk and none of this was said before. Things are different when your faced head on with them. It changed as well due to knowing more about what we could afford.

OP posts:
Allinadayswork80 · 27/11/2023 21:18

Personally I think you’re going to find yourself in a world of unhappiness and stress. Your boyfriend has unreasonable expectations and a very skewed perception of a partnership already and I don’t feel it’ll improve once his feet are under the table and you’re running around like a headless chicken doing everything, whilst working. Go with your gut feeling.

JustTalkToThem · 27/11/2023 21:14

Why did you choose to get pregnant with ALL of those reasons against it? The time to ask this question was before!

Original poster
emmaxelsie · 27/11/2023 21:12

I did choose to and I'm not sure about not continuing as believe I can do this by myself, but I want to also focus on my current son. He goes school 5 days a week so hopefully if boyfriend had baby weekends it will all work out.
Despite all this, he genuinely seems like a good person who just has too high expectations of me/low-key women in general. Like better then any man I've met, but sadly still a man.

OP posts:
PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 21:10

So he expects you to….

  • Do all the childcare for two kids
  • Get a job
  • Complete a doctorate
  • Presumably do all the cleaning and cooking too.
  • AND be financially worse off.

What is he bringing to the table other than massive entitlement and a bad attitude? Does he want you to wipe his arse too?

SecondUsername4me · 27/11/2023 21:05

Yanbu to do what suits you and your ds best. And this looks like it's best you and ds remain in your current living situation. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice boyfriend, so I'd end that.

What are your thoughts re continuing the pregnancy? Did you choose to get pregnant?