DP doesn't help with baby costs?

So many red flags OP . You are leaving yourself very vulnerable especially Financially because you don’t want to be a single parent

You have a joint income of £180k (!!!) and you have to shop at Aldi and vinted and scrimp and scrape all with nothing legally in your name. He's done a real number on you there op, LTB.

When you say over 100k, how much over? Because if it’s on or around 100k, the figures his end don’t really stack up. His take home on 100k is about £5500 - £2500 for private school plus CMS doesn’t leave enough to pay for your child to be privately educated and to pay mortgage etc.

And no, it does not sound fair whatsoever. He’s not letting you pay towards the mortgage so you have no claim over the house. Then you’re spending all of your money on nursery fees leaving you no money to save towards buying an asset of your own. So you’re screwed all ways if the relationship ends.

What a prick! On his wages he can afford to pay towards childcare and give you money for ds’s clothes, activities etc. He is his dad!!! Does he know you are struggling, and in debt. I know if it were me my partner would be horrified I didn’t tell him, and would want to help.

And can’t believe he wouldn’t watch him for an hour or so, while you went to the opticians!!!

you seem quite brainwashed by him OP. You’d be better off separated, and him paying CMS

He saw you coming OP, lived in your house rent free, but now after all the promises - he’s not letting you pay towards the mortgage and didn’t put you in the deeds!! Why didn’t you fight for this at the time, you most have known it was red flags at the time, of course he wasn’t going to put you on the deeds at a later date. So you haven’t got anything left from your house sale??

This thread was started and 99% of the comments were from November 23.

I join the person who boosted it in January to wonder how you are getting on, OP, and to hope you are in or are working towards a better situation

^MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2023 15:39

When DSD stays with us I do the school runs, pick ups etc as I work closer and shorter hours than DP.

You were hired as Mrs. Right Now to facilitate his life and make things easy. He probably thinks the baby unplanned was to trap him and now you've trapped yourself.

No more facilitating his life if you aren't a partnership.^

@MrsTerryPratchett is always very insightful.

He could leave you tomorrow OP @wibblewobblequack What will you do then?

He sounds like a shit anyway, and sees you as the nanny.

In an ideal world it would be good if DP paid half the childcare and if he gave me a little bit of money towards DS every month just to help out with the bits I need for him and some outings/activities.

This paragraph made me feel very sad

This is so awful. I hope you can find a way through this OP - although it does sound like leaving him is the best option

@wibblewobblequack just wondered how you are getting on? I felt so desperately sad reading about your situation. You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. Wish I was your friend and could offer some RL support!

If he says you can't afford to move out, you say, "Actually, I can't afford to stay. Literally, I can't afford to live month to month when you are putting all your money towards a house that is in your sole name, leaving me to pay all the irrecoverable costs for our child as well as half your bills. You're building a secure financial future for yourself and I'm getting into debt.

OP, have you ever pointed the above out to him? That you simply can’t afford to live like this any more?

So:
~ He won’t allow you on the lease. You pay nothing so you cannot claim anything should you split.
~ He gets to use the house / mortgage as a giant stick to beat you with to ensure you shut up
~ He pays nothing for his child, and says you should earn more
~ But because he doesn’t contribute ( and you’re studying) you probably can’t move to more hours or a more demanding role, as you need to look after your child
~ You look after his older child so he can work, thus trapping you more
~ He MADE YOU AND YOUR CHILD SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS (😱)

This whole situation is like a flow chart where everything works to benefit him.

He is not a good man.

"When it came down to it though he said it was better for just him to take the mortgage and said he'd put me on the deeds later on but I don't think that will happen"

Shes said several times shes not on the deeds

Time to say that you are going on the deeds now

Good luck demanding this if it hasn't already happened, but this bit isn't clear

OP said he'd suggested putting her on the deeds rather than the mortgage, but didn't respond to questions as to whether this actually happened

OP, start by doing anything you can to keep money quietly. Don't do the food shopping: if you can send him and he will pay, then do that whenever you can. Tell him you can't afford petrol to get your DSD, so if he wants you to do that then he'll need to first put money in your account. Keep your petrol levels low so that you would have to fill up to go. Don't take your son to things you have to pay for. Look for free things like library sessions etc, or the lowest cost things possible. Do anything else you can think of to avoid paying for anything you don't absolutely have to.

Then get out as soon as you possibly can. This man is financially abusing you, and you and your DS will be better off away from him.

THIS

I think you should do some calculations.

How much for a 2 bed rental, childcare (up to and including any free childcare - you'd likely get 30 free hours once DS is 3) etc.

Then, as you know his income, use the CMS calculator and look up universal credit. You should be able to come up with a pretty good idea of what leaving him would look like.

I wouldn't depend on earning more with your masters, unless you know that with decent certainty. If you need to wait to leave until your son is 3, do it then. But cut back on activities til then to lessen your cc debt.

This man is a shit. Do not stay.

Time to say that you are going on the deeds now, tell him you will make an appointment with a solicitor and if he is not willing to do that then ask why he has been stringing you along?

Also time to say that either you get married (can do it quickly and cheaply) and pool finances or he is to cover half childcare costs and your respective contributions to the household to be done as a percentage of your income (so that whoever earns more pays more). If he won’t do these things then he doesn’t care about you so actually what use is he to you? If you split up you will get child maintenance and should he at least be willing to look after his child every other weekend you can use that time to work or study and improve your own earning potential.

Often schools have their fees posted online.

Agreed magic
Could send a child to a boarding school for 30k a year.
It's all very suspicious.

Gosh this is one of the saddest relationship threads I’ve read in a while.

OP you’d have more money than you do now claiming child maintenance

This is one to throw into the mix, maybe he is a compulsive liar?

Entirely possible, and yes, I imagine some digging could easily reveal all is not as it's been presented

Trouble is I get the distinct impression that OP doesn't really want to know and that she'll go right on putting up wih this to stay in the "dream house"
And that's absolutely her choice to make of course, but what a way to live

And he might retire or work less.

By which time she'll be up to her eyes in massive debt

Agreed blue eyed peanut. It's in his best interest financially that she stays.