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AIBU?

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Original poster

Self centered daughter

155 replies

Mandy63 · 20/11/2023 21:35

My daughter is 34 years old and transgender ( born male) the reason I mention this is I'm not sure if it has anything to do with her attitude.
I'm also not sure if she is on the autism spectrum or if I'm just looking for something to prove she's not just self absorbed
2 years ago she moved in with her new partner and everything seemed fine.
About a month ago her partner came to me and said that my daughter was driving her mad. Not helping around the house, leaving cups and plates in the bedroom and even leaving her partner to look after my granddaughter when she went to stay.
They have since split and her partner has moved out. My daughter cannot afford the rent on her own and has an eviction notice. I found out today that the rent is due again in 2 days and she doesn't have it.
She has known for a few weeks that she needs to look for somewhere to live, go to the council, start packing etc. None of which she has done. Finally today she went to the council but has to wait for an appointment
Knowing how urgent things are and obviously being worried about her I took the afternoon off work and asked her to come round. Oh no she couldn't do that as she couldn't face doing anything else today and had plans with a friend.
I was so angry with her I'm afraid she received a very curt txt and also one from her older brother who saw how upset it made me.
At the moment I'm leaving her to it, she's 34 with a 10 yr old daughter and needs to start to grow up
Should I stay out of it and let her either sink or swim?

OP posts:
MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 09:16

she may or may not be autistic, but that doesnt solve the situation.

Original poster
Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 09:16

She's the father

OP posts:
Original poster
Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 09:15

We had tests done for different things growing up but not autism. Speech therapy as she seemed to struggle with speech but it was determined she could talk perfectly well, just couldn't be bothered. Dispraxia too but all clear.We have suggested it but her answer is the waiting list is too long. However she's happy to wait on a list for gender reassignment 🤦

OP posts:
TinyRebel · 21/11/2023 09:13

This reply has been deleted

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Dulra · 21/11/2023 09:07

I'm also not sure if she is on the autism spectrum or if I'm just looking for something to prove she's not just self absorbed
What makes you think this? What were they like growing up? Did you ever think they might be on the spectrum back then? My dd1 is asd and adhd, she is 16 and her organisation and life skills are very poor. She is going to need a lot of OT support to help her manage life as she gets older (cleaning, cooking, budgeting, routine, time keeping etc) I do a lot of it for her at the moment but slowly letting go and supporting her with developing these skills while she is still living at home. Did you ever notice any issues with this as she was growing up? If it has constantly been a struggle to manage life well maybe there is more to it but if that was not the case it does sound like they are choosing not to face up to things.

PurpleBugz · 21/11/2023 09:00

Yeah step back. Put your effort's into the relationship with your grandchild.

whocaresmore · 21/11/2023 08:55

Why would you want this waste of space, poor excuse for a parent anywhere near your granddaughter?

If she's safe with her mum and step-father then let them get on with their best stable happy lives.

Circularargument · 21/11/2023 08:55

bettingpencil · 20/11/2023 23:23

Not sure how her being trans is anything to do with anything

could she be suffering from depression op? All of this sounds like how I can get when I’m in a black hole of a headspace.

It doesn't, but it guaranteed a certain slew of posters making huge assumptions that it does. MN Bingo.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/11/2023 08:50

Your Dd I mean - does your Dd work

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/11/2023 08:50

This I think. You don’t need to do anything, just leave her to it.

I voted YABU because I thought it was a bit controlling to take the day off and demand she come over - I’m not seeing you’d be asked for help?

She does sound self centred though, and her partner was right to complain. Glad the grandchild is OK and living with their Mum, but obviously I’m sure could do with your Dd stepping up more.

Does she work?

Original poster
Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 08:46

It's hard to put everything in the original post. My annoyance comes from the fact that time and time again she doesn't prioritize things like finding somewhere to live or entertaining her daughter. I suppose I'm just as annoyed with myself for keep doing it. But as a mum it's hard not to.
But the way I feel at the moment, even after sleeping on it I may be ready to take a step back

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 21/11/2023 08:44

Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 08:34

Sorry trying to keep thread short as possible. Grandaughter lives with her Mum and visits daughter twice a week. No concerns about her at all except my daughter losing her relationship through lack of effort 😞

Let the biological mother look after and support the granddaughter. Your adult child is old enough to support him/herself.

Sometimes people have to fall before they sort themselves out.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/11/2023 08:43

Sorry cross posts. I'd leave your DD to it and learn from her own mistakes.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/11/2023 08:42

Where is your DGD's Mum? This is key I think to what you do.

Original poster
Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 08:41

My daughter is the father, married and had child before transitioning to female. Apologies for confusion

OP posts:
Original poster
Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 08:39

Grandaughter is safe and lives with her Mum and new husband. Only visits daughter twice a week

OP posts:
Original poster
Mandy63 · 21/11/2023 08:34

Sorry trying to keep thread short as possible. Grandaughter lives with her Mum and visits daughter twice a week. No concerns about her at all except my daughter losing her relationship through lack of effort 😞

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 21/11/2023 08:34

smilesup · 21/11/2023 08:12

You are joking? There are around 125,000 homeless children in the UK and far more at the threat if homelessness.
I have literally begged ss to get involved with some homeless children who have disclosed serious abuse and even then it can be hard.
At best they will be housed in a shitty hotel for a.couple of years if not deemed intentionally homeless.

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I have to say my working knowledge of social services is very poor . that's an obscene number. I really don't get how things can be allowed to be so dismal.

AInightingale · 21/11/2023 08:25

Twiglets1 · 21/11/2023 08:08

Obviously you can be a mother without physically giving birth to a child. For example, you can adopt a child and be their mother so I think it’s wrong for people to question how OPs daughter could be this child’s mother.

I don’t think there’s much you can do at this stage @Mandy63 beyond being there for your daughter when she does eventually feel able to face the facts of her financial position. I think she will have to be evicted and technically homeless before the council will rehome her.

He's the FATHER. Biology. Sex, sperm, impregnation., Fathers are not mothers, mothers are not fathers. Time to come back through the looking glass.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/11/2023 08:23

viques · 21/11/2023 08:20

Because that is who he is!

(see also Freddie McConnell, who despite legal wrangling is the mother of two children, a truth the judge made abundantly clear in their summing up)

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Exactly!

Justcallmebebes · 21/11/2023 08:21

StarTrek6 · 21/11/2023 06:21

Is it possible that taking hormones is affecting her?
Could she be ADHD as that can sometimes mean procrastination, rash decisions.

Bingo

viques · 21/11/2023 08:20

NeedToChangeName · 21/11/2023 08:12

I know a transwoman who is still described as her daughter's father

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Because that is who he is!

(see also Freddie McConnell, who despite legal wrangling is the mother of two children, a truth the judge made abundantly clear in their summing up)

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/11/2023 08:20

Lavender14 · 21/11/2023 08:05

Also the mother...

What a strange question.

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What is strange is this insistence that people can change somehow sex.

The mother of a child is the one who has given birth, or, if a child is adopted/ fostered, the female parent.

Changing "gender" doesn't alter biological sex, no matter how much people might want it too.

Bostonbakedbeans · 21/11/2023 08:19

I'd be most worried about stability for your grandchild in all this. Does your grandaughter live with her mum most of the time but with your daughter at weekends? If so I agree your daughter needs to get her act together asap re housing if she wants her daughter to continue to stay with her. Is your daughter working?

Theunamedcat · 21/11/2023 08:13

Ultimately all you can do here is step back and wait for the walls to fall

Are you in a position to take them in? Do you think that's what your daughter is expecting?

And yes as a transperson they would be considered more vunerable and would be considered a priority