AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

A 9yo girl is not privy to his disabilities. It's not fair on the girls in there, never mind the adult woman.

There's plenty of options and OP needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around her in give her rights above those of other women and girls.

Sadly the rights of women and girls are generally at the bottom of the pile these days

YANBU imo

Why should the girl (who is trying using the changing area appropriately) have to find an alternative because a male (who is using the changing area inappropriately), is brought in there?

This is mumsnet so 9 year old boys with SEN are basically predators. Why is his safety and comfort less important than a ‘potential’ adult woman getting upset? It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I’d feel like a pretty terrible person if it did. You did what you needed to.
A teenager would be difffent.

But people don't tend to be naked in public toilets do they?

I didn't agree with that one either but to be fair I think the dad asked first (shouted in) if it was ok and was told by the women there it was fine. So assume if they'd said no he wouldn't have gone in. Although appreciate that he didn't get consent from any of the women who might have come in afterwards.

Also yes a grown man might technically be more dangerous but lots of concerns are more about privacy - toilet cubicles are enclosed so the women in the toilets wouldn't have been seen using them by the man with dd, whereas the teenage girl had to change in front of OPs son.

So not really the same circumstances.

I appreciate that the room was empty when OP went in so not exactly the same situation but sounds as though she wouldn't have left even if the teenage girl had asked her to.

Well that'll really help a teenage girl who doesn't want to get males looking at her in an open-plan communal single-sex space. Unless you're now going to propose a blind-fold to OP it would be hugely more appropriate for her to wait for a family space or just use an individual cubicle- at least where I live, they'll easily fit an adult and two children, obviously with a little less space to spread out clothing and towels. There's plenty of options and OP needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around her in give her rights above those of other women and girls.

I think your son is too old to be in the female changing rooms. It's really unfortunate that the family changing rooms are so few at your pool though. I 100% understand that is frustrating.

Righty o. At least keep it consistent.

Who are you talking to when you say that?

Unless the exact same posters are on this thread and you mean them?

No in this circumstance it isn't appropriate, if he needs help you need to wait for the accessible changing room. If people were using them without disabilities you need to speak to the staff for assistance to be prioritised. Teens can he particularly self conscious but I wouldn't be comfortable either

I think his age is borderline, and it's not ideal but if she was really worried she could have used the single person changing outside.

A male aged 9 should not be in a female changing room.

Unacceptable

He’s far too old to be in the ladies, regardless of any neurodiversity.

it’s utter faff and you have my sympathy- but you should have waited for an inclusive changing room to become available

it’s really not on, and that teenage girl should not have been put in that situation. So unfair.

I cannot believe how anyone would think this is remotely close to being ok, because it definitely isn't.

Would you be happy if a man came into the women's changing rooms with his 9yo daughter and got changed in front of you and your daughters?

My poor DH was mortified last week, when a man brought his young daughter into the male changing rooms, DH estimated her as being 7-8. If a man removed his trousers in front of a young girl in Tesco he’d get arrested (and quite rightly so) but somehow it’s ok in the changing rooms!

Its inappropriate whichever way round it is

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong - 9 is getting to the age where a lot of women/girls will take issue with it. Most places have a no over 8s in opposite sex changing rooms rule.

My 9 year old has autism, adhd, physical conditions etc and he can’t change alone- I take poncho changing robes (like a dryrobe thing)and crocs swimming, so if there isn’t a family/disabled changing room available then we put them on and go home like that.

You have my sympathy though, it is so annoying that there aren’t enough accessible changing rooms at places- I frequently have 2x boys who can’t change alone, and 2 times girls that physically can but get extremely anxious and are too young to be safe alone really. Add to that I’m a wheelchair user and swimming is a massive pain in the arse.

thing is if she didn't feel comfortable SHE (or any other woman) would have had to stand in the cold and wet being uncomfortable despite being the person the female group changing room was designed for. So your and your DCs needs don't trump hers. It's like nicking the disabled space by the supermarket despite not being disabled because you don't want to get wet - nobody does but that space is not designed for you.

If you think it's okay for DS to change there now now, when do you think it will be inappropriate? When he's 10?12? 14? Most changing rooms give an absolute limit of opposite sex kids of 8 for a reason.

Agree with getting a dry robe (you can get kids ones for under £15. Just stick it over him and he can pull his swimming trunks off poolside under it, then stick tracksuit bottoms on and go to the car. I've walked/driven home in mine before rather than changing at the beach.

That dad on here a couple of weeks ago who went in to the female toilets with his DD was a bigger threat to a 14 year old girl than a 9 year old boy with additional needs is in a changing room. And yet plenty of women on here told him it was all cool to go in there. But yet a boy with additional needs is not ok because apparently HE is a problem in a female space and a grown arsed man isn’t.

Righty o. At least keep it consistent. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Next time, you need to not swim with 1 child whilst the other is having their lesson, or at least get out of the pool with enough time to get you both dressed whilst the other finishes their lesson. Then if the cubicles are full, get him dressed poolside.
Your biggest mistake is all having showers instead of being as quick as possible. In reality, in this case, your DSs needs really don’t override the dignity and privacy of other females I’m afraid, never mind the fact that your DS may also have felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed at being in the female changing room.

You shouldn't have used the female group changing room with a male child of that age. If there's a queue for the rooms you need, you queue for them. It's not fair to others wanting to use a female changing room to have to not have that option because you didn't want to wait.

It wouldn't bother me either but I'm a grown woman with a high embarrassment threshold, it would bother my 13 year old daughter who is going through puberty.

So my current response to everyone who insists on taking an over age boy into a female loo or changing area is: why not take him into the male space and be in there with him while he sorts himself out?

Would you be happy if a man came into the women's changing rooms with his 9yo daughter and got changed in front of you and your daughters?

I have a (not arsey) question. Why didn't you take him into the male changing rooms?

If him being in the female changing area shouldn't be an issue for young girls and other women, wouldn't the risk of mortification be lessened if you all went in the gents?

I'd be in the wait for a family change camp, but if you didn't want to wait, it's interesting that you assessed women and girls as more likely to say nothing, even if they were uncomfortable.

So my current response to everyone who insists on taking an over age boy into a female loo or changing area is: why not take him into the male space and be in there with him while he sorts himself out?

My DD is 13 and wouldn't feel comfortable with a boy that age in the changing room. Good on that girl for speaking up! That said it must be very difficult if your son has SEN so I'm not judging you. I think there should be family changing facilities everywhere for this reason.