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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

941 replies

JustKeepSwimmingAlong · 20/11/2023 18:36

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

OP posts:
aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 21:32

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TomeTome · 20/11/2023 21:31

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong Your son is growing up. He will become a disabled man and unfortunately that means he is not only vulnerable to abuse but also will be seen as a threat. It’s really really important that you create firm clear boundaries for him. He must NEVER go into the ladies toilet/changing rooms. He needs to not just obey the rules but be clearly seen to obey them. It’s hard but to keep him safe make a much better plan.

Londonrach1 · 20/11/2023 21:31

I can see both sides but tbh side with a young teenager girl over this. Yabu in this situation I'm afraid. Think this a problem with the pool so raise it with them. Sounds like the teenager girl wasn't comfortable in this situation and tbh very brave to mention it to you.

SerafinasGoose · 20/11/2023 21:28

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:25

The ‘joke’ is you raising your boys to think they can ignore women’s boundaries and enter spaces where women don’t want them around.

No wonder some men turn out the way they do.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 21:27

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@CremeEggSupremacy is correct in their assertion.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 21:27

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SerafinasGoose · 20/11/2023 21:27

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No, I would do no such thing.

What an inarticulate, crass style of poster YOU are.

ProfessorMinervaMcGonagall · 20/11/2023 21:26

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No way was the teenage girl being unreasonable. I am actually silently applauding the teenage girl for having the self-confidence to point out the undeniable fact that the OP’s son was too old to be changing in the female changing space. I want to add that I understand disabilities as I am the parent to two daughters both of whom have ADHD and autism while the elder is blind, among other impairments. My younger DD cannot manage the public pool changing rooms so she gets ready for swimming at home and then leaves the pool wearing a dry robe, under which she can shimmy out of her swimsuit, and then she showers and changes at home, after a 20-minute drive home. In truth, I think that there’s a lot of overthinking going on re: dressing after the pool.

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:26

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Nah you said the girl can use the toilet so by your own logic OP could’ve taken her son to change in the toilet no? But you’d rather put out a young woman because your baby boy comes first? I see you’re one of those boy mums…

SaltyGod · 20/11/2023 21:26

That’s a tough situation and I empathise but a female only changing room does need to be kept for women and girls.

At 9 your son is too old to be in there and you need to find an alternative solution that works for you and your son. This might mean queuing for the other facilities.

I also applaud the teenage girl for politely questioning his presence. I’d never have been brave enough as a teenager and would probably have left the changing rooms instead.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 21:25

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Itha · 20/11/2023 21:25

YABVU and entitled. I totally understand why you did it, but it still wasn’t ok.

You can’t use the girls changing room for a nine year old male, it is not fair on the girls who need it.

If your son cannot change by himself then either you wait - yes cold and dripping - for an accessible/family room, or you don’t take him swimming at all.

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:25

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The ‘joke’ is you raising your boys to think they can ignore women’s boundaries and enter spaces where women don’t want them around.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 21:25

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PosterBoy · 20/11/2023 21:25

Grim. Please do better next time. Think of others and act appropriately.

SerafinasGoose · 20/11/2023 21:24

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This comment is particularly wheedling. The fact that I do not violate this boundary - and teach my son likewise - does not mean I do not protect my boy.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 21:24

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DodoTime · 20/11/2023 21:23

funinthesun19 · 20/11/2023 19:12

That dad on here a couple of weeks ago who went in to the female toilets with his DD was a bigger threat to a 14 year old girl than a 9 year old boy with additional needs is in a changing room. And yet plenty of women on here told him it was all cool to go in there. But yet a boy with additional needs is not ok because apparently HE is a problem in a female space and a grown arsed man isn’t.

Righty o. At least keep it consistent. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't really think the situations are comparable.

The dad was the carer in that scenario (not using the facilities himself) with a child in urgent need (I believe the child was going to poop themselves) whereas in this scenario the need was not urgent.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 21:22

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Protecting your boys does not include giving them acess to or priority in what is clearly a female only space.

(As it is I am the mother of a boy, not a girl).

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:22

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The teenage girl is also a child who has more of a right to use that space than your boys. Grim attitude

OliveWah · 20/11/2023 21:21

Knowing how hard most teenage girls find any sort of "confrontation" with an adult, I think the fact that this girl came and told you that you son being there was making her uncomfortable and you chose to ignore her discomfort, makes you very unreasonable. Why does your convenience trump her discomfort?

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:21

Orbitolld · 20/11/2023 21:18

Fair play to the girl for asserting herself, but to be fair, there was nobody in there when you arrived. If you’d happened in upon a 14 year old girl and carried on regardless that would be different I think, but you didn’t do anything wrong - sometimes we have to work it out as we go along I think.

Agree probably ok when nobody’s there but when others who are actually meant to use the space then enter AND express discomfort it is no longer ok.

SerafinasGoose · 20/11/2023 21:20

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I disagree. Completely. She was being eminently reasonable.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 21:20

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Sirzy · 20/11/2023 21:19

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Why should a female have to get changed elsewhere because of males in the female changing area?

and we wonder why too many men don’t respect boundaries when so many are taught from a young age they are an exception to the boundaries