AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong

I would be making an official complaint to the head of the complex regarding the inadequate situation for all.

I can confirm that two of the gym chains I use state that the female changing rooms cannot be used by boys older than 7, that’s reasonable in my opinion and should be respected and observed at all times, irrespective of how busy the club/centre is.

@ProfessorMinervaMcGonagall

There are four types of developmental delay: cognitive; sensorimotor; speech and language; and socioemotional delays.

Most autistics will have some degree of at least one of these; hence why they are diagnosed in the first place. It is a diagnosis based on deficit.

@Robinni taking 9 year old male in a female only space was never an actual option.

@Thedm

I realise the issue with men’s access to female changing rooms is a hot topic right now.

However, this is a disabled child, likely with sensory issues, going to kick off and be adversely affected by the delay.

As a Mum of an autistic, I know she had no other option.

This is the leisure centre’s problem to sort.

FYI at our local leisure centre it is a group change now, no male or female anymore, though they have installed semi private cubicles.

I wouldn’t be worried about a disabled child. I’m worried about the grown men.

@Robinni correct me if I’m wrong but nowhere has the OP said that her DS is developmentally delayed. She writes that he has autism and ADHD and other physical impairments. It’s quite a dangerous and narrow-minded belief to assume that disabled people are lacking in intellectual capacity (although, of course, sadly, many disabled people are also intellectually incapacitated). My elder DD is blind and diagnosed with autism and ADHD but she is in her GCSE year at a super-selective grammar school. I’m sorry everyone if this is taking the thread off at a tangent but my teen gets angry that everyone sees disabilities and thinks learning disabled. As always, everything is so nuanced. So clearly is getting dry after swimming! 😅

@Robinni

Taking him into the groups FEMALE changing is also not an option, but OP thought “to hell with women’s rights to a private space” and took him in anyway, all because she didn’t want to wait for one of the family rooms designed for his use.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong I think you did your best with the situation.

You need to contact the leisure centre regarding the arrangements for people with disabilities and demand better.

They should have accessible changing rooms for disabled people and not double up with the baby change.

Explain to them what happened and ask how you will be accommodated.

If they still have issues there is always the accessible toilet, usually quite big as a stop gap.

But really if you are paying for the lessons and have a disabled child who can’t use the age/sex appropriate changing room due to needing a carer, then you need to ask them what they are going to do about it.

It is up to the leisure centre to make their facility accessible and not put disabled people, nor other visitors, at risk.

Happens in my gym all the time and it drives me mad. They have unisex family changing but families don't use them. I really don't like older boys being in female spaces.

As your son was dressed already, then couldn't he have waited outside?

@SecondUsername4me

This is batshit.

You want a 9 year old disabled, vulnerable child to be left alone?? He likely has developmental delay and is more akin to a 6/7 year old.

Leaving him alone outside is not an option. He could wander off of his own accord or go with a stranger because he is vulnerable with no sense of danger.

Sadly the rights of women and girls are generally at the bottom of the pile these days

@NearlyMonday I think you'll find that's disabled people.

You just need to wait. The female group change is not for your son. I am the single mum of two boys, so I’m not oblivious to how hard it is. But I never took my sons into the female groups change because it isn’t for them. You were wrong.

He shouldn't be in there. One way I dealt with peak family room use was to stay in the pool after class and just do our own relaxed swimming around for ten minutes. By that time, most people had finished with the rooms so we could go straight to one.

9 is too old to be in female changing especially if there are no cubicles. You must know a child of that age would make girls uncomfortable and the least you could have done is get changed very quickly and shower at home so you were not hanging about.

You do have a choice, queue like everyone else and take something to keep yourselves warm while in the queue if it is an issue. Or try to get lessons at a different time.

That is perfectly obvious. The post is clearly written in plain English. It's not difficult to understand.

The reality of raising disabled boys. Which bit don’t you understand?

You should have waited..my 10 year old dd would have been mortified if there was an 9 year old boy in the group change. I'm a school swimming teacher and boys that age are not permitted in the opposite sex group change. You should have waited for a cubicle or asked a member of the staff to open the disabled group change. Well done for that girl to challenge you. Please don't use these particular facilities moving forward it's not fair or appropriate.

I really struggled with my ASD boy when he was younger. He couldn't manage his own clothing and he had no idea what was going on around him or what to do. I used to take him into female toilets wearing a large pink hat on his head. I quickly took him into a cubicle with me and nobody noticed he was a boy. Did it until he was about 12. Often me and dd would sandwich him between us so that I was visible at the front and her at the back. I don't think you did anything wrong OP. He's 9 and needed help. The facilities provided were inadequate. You didn't hurt anyone and he was facing the wall.

No you should not have done this. What is the new arrangement going to be? You need one.

Sorry but no. I have 2 boys and one is 9. I was stared at in a women’s gym changing room last month by a young boy with his mum. I went and got a staff member to ask them to leave so I was able to shower and change. It’s not appropriate at all. I’m a grown woman and felt uncomfortable. Imagine a teenage girl still developing and being uncomfortable in her own skin? Women need their own spaces and privacy.

Setting boundaries.
Very important, especially for potentially vulnerable adults.

The gyms I've used display notices saying that boys over the age of 7 cannot use the women's changing rooms. One of them said they'd consulted with social services on this.

A nine year old boy shouldn't be in there. Girls and women have a right to privacy.