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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

941 replies

JustKeepSwimmingAlong · 20/11/2023 18:36

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

OP posts:
fliptopbin · 20/11/2023 23:07

I did complain, but when the wet room floor is tilted the wrong way so you are up to your ankles in water after changing, there wasn't a lot they could do. Ironically the old one eas fine -they spent a fortune but fucked it up.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:07

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CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 23:06

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I will always help girls and women before anyone else. And I will never help people like you, whether you or your kids are disabled or not, because you don’t care about girls and women.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:06

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 20/11/2023 23:04

Why should my teenage daughter (who has ASD and sensory processing disorder) be made to feel uncomfortable by a male in a female only safe space? Why is the answer to a lack of facilities for a male be to use a female space? Better make a girl uncomfortable than for a boy to be inconvenienced.

Exactly.
Your daughter has as much right to feel safe as the male has, and she's in the correct place.

Orbitolld · 20/11/2023 23:06

She literally just had to wait 5 minutes.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:05

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Why should a female vacate the female changing and go to the loos so a male can use the female facility?

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:04

Flamango · 20/11/2023 23:03

9 year olds are still small children who need to stay with their parents and use the changing room associated with the sex of the adult they are with.

Well, wait for a cubicle they can use. Rules generally state that no children over 7 or 8 are allowed in opposite sex open changing areas.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:04

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MojoDojoCasaHouse · 20/11/2023 23:04

Why should my teenage daughter (who has ASD and sensory processing disorder) be made to feel uncomfortable by a male in a female only safe space? Why is the answer to a lack of facilities for a male be to use a female space? Better make a girl uncomfortable than for a boy to be inconvenienced.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:03

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What are you not getting about it being a female space?

Flamango · 20/11/2023 23:03

9 year olds are still small children who need to stay with their parents and use the changing room associated with the sex of the adult they are with.

Robinni · 20/11/2023 23:03

PixieLaLar · 20/11/2023 22:54

YABVU and good on the teenage girl to challenge you, that can’t have been easy for her to speak up when she clearly felt uncomfortable.

It’s irrelevant if the changing room was empty when you went in. You knew full well it was a female only space but you didn’t care because it was inconvenient for you to wait for the appropriate changing facilities.

@PixieLaLar

Autistics are entitled to queue passes at all venues. They get disability assistance at airports to avoid queues.

Why exactly do you think it is acceptable that an autistic child is standing soaking wet experiencing sensory distress, in a queue that is causing them further distress.

It’s unacceptable.

Like you saying to a wheelchair bound person - it’s ok, just lay on the ground, you don’t really need the chair.

He needed an appropriate space and no queue.

It is unacceptable to have had anything otherwise.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:02

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Orbitolld · 20/11/2023 23:02

There are some trolls on this thread. Sometimes there aren’t enough resources for everyone so we have to share. One way of sharing is to assign certain resources to certain groups, another is to take turns to use a resource. The signage at the pool indicated the first way of sharing, the circumstances indicated the second. Women can have their single sex space if they wait 5 minutes in this case. Meanwhile serious ableism and entitlement. What a wind up.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:02

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Or OP could have not taken a male in there.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:02

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CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 23:02

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You can speak for yourself but you cannot give consent on other women’s behalf so you saying you personally don’t mind means absolutely nothing.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:02

@Robinni nobody is suggesting any of these children are predators, but they are males and it's a female only space.

Pooooochi · 20/11/2023 23:02

Where are you planning to draw the line if he continues to need help? When he’s 10? 12? 15?

This.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:02

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Pooooochi · 20/11/2023 23:01

unaccompanied 12 y o girl i mean

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:01

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Pooooochi · 20/11/2023 23:00

I thought I had until about age 10-12 until this sort of thing would be a problem….. but nope, women are on here as enraged about a 9yo male child as they would be

Some 9 year old boys can be physically mature enough to be quite intimidating to an unaccompanied 2 year old girl.
Truly. Its not that surprising. Children being overweight means they are attaining height earlier and hitting puberty earlier. There are 9 year old boys hitting puberty with the hormones, urges and increased muscle that brings. Don't dismiss it. Seek suitable options for disabled children.

Marionella · 20/11/2023 23:00

I'm not sure how many people on this thread are aware of the number of parents who cannot take their children swimming (or any number of other activities) because of the paucity of facilities for disabled people. They stay home. They are isolated and marginalised. The OP is clearly uncomfortable with a choice she made which felt like the best thing to do at that moment. It may not have been the correct choice but the hostility of many people on here is evidence of the lack of care for disabled people. Utter absence of compassion.

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 23:00

I’d have been more sympathetic to the idea that OP was flustered and coping in an empty space if she’d left when it was no longer empty or when the girl spoke to her about it. But she didn’t, so doesn’t seem flustered or just coping if she can assert herself outstaying her son’s welcome in a space he wasn’t meant to be in in the first place. Decent people would apologise and leave at that point at least. The daughter must’ve felt awful watching that.