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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

941 replies

JustKeepSwimmingAlong · 20/11/2023 18:36

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

OP posts:
aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:21

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iamrageohtheresakitty · 20/11/2023 23:21

Agree with the PPs that while a solution should be found for OP's son, and the leisure centre needs to do more in this regard, the solution is not to use the female single sex space

TomeTome · 20/11/2023 23:21

Your problem should not be made to be other people’s problem. you really don’t understand or practice inclusion do you?

MuckyPlucky · 20/11/2023 23:19

If I’d been there with my 9yoDD getting changed together and there was a boy her own age there in the room whilst she was stripping off her wet cossie and standing starkers, she’d have (rightly) been mortified and unbelievably uncomfortable. She doesn’t like to assert herself tho or ‘make a fuss’ so unlike the OP who was able to stake her claim on the space and enunciate why, my DD would’ve just had to experience that horrible experience quietly and get on with it, for fear of ‘causing a fuss’.

I do NOT want that for my DD, nor any other of our daughters (or us, for that matter).

Your problem should not be made to be other people’s problem.

PixieLaLar · 20/11/2023 23:18

You said you’d have waited if a girl had been in there before you started which suggests you knew it would make people uncomfortable and that he can wait.

This!

JustKeepSwimmingAlong · 20/11/2023 23:18

CormorantStrikesBack · 20/11/2023 23:17

Would you go into school and help your 9yo get changed for PE?

No, to make a reasonable adjustment the school allow him to wear his PE kit all day when he has PE so he doesn’t have to change :)

OP posts:
sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:18

CormorantStrikesBack · 20/11/2023 23:17

Would you go into school and help your 9yo get changed for PE?

I think some parents might, given the chance, that doesn't make it right though.

TomeTome · 20/11/2023 23:18

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:13

Taking a male into female only spaces is not the answer though.
It never will be.
It's not ableist to say this.
Females and males need female and male only spaces/facilities.
Disabled people need suitable spaces/facilities.
We all need to shout louder.

No it’s not ableist to say that but it is ableist to totally ignore the plight of disabled boys and young men and their female carers. OP knows it wasn’t a good solution. Huffing and puffing about her poor choices isn’t helping it’s just ignoring the challenge she faced.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:18

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CormorantStrikesBack · 20/11/2023 23:17

Flamango · 20/11/2023 23:03

9 year olds are still small children who need to stay with their parents and use the changing room associated with the sex of the adult they are with.

Would you go into school and help your 9yo get changed for PE?

Marionella · 20/11/2023 23:16

It is exhausting, stressful and you don’t need to have others animosity, whenever the issue here is clearly that the leisure centre have failed in their duty to provide an accessible environment.

@Robinni completely agree!

CormorantStrikesBack · 20/11/2023 23:15

Sorry, I think you’re been unreasonable. At what age will you stop taking him in the women’s? 12, 13, 16? The girl obviously felt uncomfortable. Most places have an age l8mit of 8yo. People at my gym break the rules over this a lot and it really annoys me having so many older primary and even secondary age boys in the communal female changing room. I often see them gawping at me or other naked women.

I probably don’t seem angry but I’m seething inside. I don’t say anything as I’m sure the mums would say the kid needs them, has special needs, etc. but my friends Dd knows some of them from school and says they manage fine at school……not saying that’s the same for your ds. But yeah, you need to wait for the accessible changing. You said you’d have waited if a girl had been in there before you started which suggests you knew it would make people uncomfortable and that he can wait.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:13

Orbitolld · 20/11/2023 23:02

There are some trolls on this thread. Sometimes there aren’t enough resources for everyone so we have to share. One way of sharing is to assign certain resources to certain groups, another is to take turns to use a resource. The signage at the pool indicated the first way of sharing, the circumstances indicated the second. Women can have their single sex space if they wait 5 minutes in this case. Meanwhile serious ableism and entitlement. What a wind up.

Taking a male into female only spaces is not the answer though.
It never will be.
It's not ableist to say this.
Females and males need female and male only spaces/facilities.
Disabled people need suitable spaces/facilities.
We all need to shout louder.

ExTheCheater · 20/11/2023 23:13

Op yabvu yes. You obviously made her feel uncomfortable. She should feel safe in that space and not have to even ask that males aren't in it, it just shouldn't happen. You'll know for next time.

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 23:11

TomeTome · 20/11/2023 23:09

The vast majority of caters are female and many disabled children are male. Caring and the difficulties it throws up are feminist issues.

Those definitely are feminist issues and they are not sufficiently resolved by making things worse for women in other ways such as sacrificing female only spaces

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:11

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Whiskerson · 20/11/2023 23:10

Flamango · 20/11/2023 23:03

9 year olds are still small children who need to stay with their parents and use the changing room associated with the sex of the adult they are with.

They're not small children. They are children, but there is a world of difference between a 9yo and an actual small child of 3 or so. I do think it's difficult in an atomised society like ours where the choice is either take your 9yo everywhere or send them on their own. I guess previous generations would have erred on the side of "send them on their own and have them take their younger siblings while they're at it!".

Robinni · 20/11/2023 23:09

Marionella · 20/11/2023 23:00

I'm not sure how many people on this thread are aware of the number of parents who cannot take their children swimming (or any number of other activities) because of the paucity of facilities for disabled people. They stay home. They are isolated and marginalised. The OP is clearly uncomfortable with a choice she made which felt like the best thing to do at that moment. It may not have been the correct choice but the hostility of many people on here is evidence of the lack of care for disabled people. Utter absence of compassion.

@Marionella I would have given you 10 claps if I could. It is exhausting, stressful and you don’t need to have others animosity, whenever the issue here is clearly that the leisure centre have failed in their duty to provide an accessible environment.

OP this is not your fault, don’t feel bad, but demand better for next time.

TomeTome · 20/11/2023 23:09

The vast majority of caters are female and many disabled children are male. Caring and the difficulties it throws up are feminist issues.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:09

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Look forward to your ban.

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:08

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CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 23:08

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Surprise surprise, the troll who doesn’t respect women’s spaces turns out to be a pervert.

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:08

Robinni · 20/11/2023 23:03

@PixieLaLar

Autistics are entitled to queue passes at all venues. They get disability assistance at airports to avoid queues.

Why exactly do you think it is acceptable that an autistic child is standing soaking wet experiencing sensory distress, in a queue that is causing them further distress.

It’s unacceptable.

Like you saying to a wheelchair bound person - it’s ok, just lay on the ground, you don’t really need the chair.

He needed an appropriate space and no queue.

It is unacceptable to have had anything otherwise.

It's also unacceptable to take a male into a female only space, where he isn't allowed to be.

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 20/11/2023 23:07

My disabled child can use the toilet to change to make way for a male?? WTAF???

aibupregnancy · 20/11/2023 23:07

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