AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

Hahaha! If you knew what my profession is, you’d piss yourself at your ridiculous comment! 🤣 🙄 🤣

Your son is far too old to go in the female changing rooms. YABU to avail yourself of that room just because it was empty, someone was bound to come in.
Just be organised and queue for a few minutes or get a dry robe. You can’t go swimming without getting wet and cold. Your inconvenience doesn’t mean you should break other people’s boundaries. I understand it can be hard and that you still see your son as a little boy, but other people won’t see him that way.

How about you take him into the mens? if the men complain then management may do something. Those if you that think it is ok to take a young male into a woman's space, why not the OP taking him into the mens.

You can’t just go and use the facilities of the opposite sex because it is empty at that one moment in time. You refer to waiting for the appropriate changing spaces so it sounds like overall it was busy and somebody was bound to come along. You have been told by a majority of posters that your convenience does not trump the legitimate needs f everybody else and yet you still think you were not in the wrong. A teenage girl has more sense than you well done to her for standing up to people like you.

Males are not allowed in female only spaces, unless they are under around 8 years old. There is no alternative way of interpreting this which doesn't diminish the right of females to single sex spaces.

Generally the rule is 8 and under not just toddler.

In this scenario in the past I have put each child in adjacent individual cubicles and flitted between the two. It’s not ideal but we have a proper wash at home so it’s just get joggers and a jumper on and leave.

I find it really sad the amount of parents who say “he doesn’t understand/care” as a reason for continuing to use the female facilties. Even if the child doesn’t have the capacity to understand they still have the right to dignity and privacy. DS is 14 and would get changed anywhere but my job is to teach him the correct boundaries and to make sure his privacy and dignity is protected.

sadly many disabled people because of their lack of understanding find themselves in a very vulnerable position which is why it’s important that they are raised with those caring for them enforcing strong boundaries and reinforcing the importance of privacy and dignity for everyone. They may not ever fully understand but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.

lack of facilities for people with disabilities is a massive problem, but just using the female facilities as the default won’t change that. If somewhere doesn’t have suitable provisions then we need to be complaining and voting with our feet not trampling on the boundaries of people while ignoring the issue. Businesses won’t change if they don’t feel a need too and aren’t impacted by the problem.

I think what you did was just about ok but was very much on the boundary of ok-ness. As pp said it would have been better to send DS to stand outside the door as soon as he's dressed rather than him sitting in there.

For future occasions as your DS gets older you will need a different plan. Does he need help with every stage of getting dressed or are there some stages he can do himself? Think through a plan for how you can manage with you and the littlest in one individual cubicle and him in the next door cubicle - could you make it work? Could you buy dryrobes for each of you so that you aren't standing around wet and cold during the bits where you can't be actively changing? Then you could focus on one child at a time? Or even go home in dryrobes and change there?

I mean my older one was a 'small' child when he insisted on the men's. He was 6, and in age 4-5 clothing. I think he had seen a girl in his class from the year above as he was suddenly embarrassed and not wanting to use the women's anymore. 9 year olds aren't small children.

All these mothers apparently teaching their sons to trample over the boundaries of women and girls isn’t exactly a shock to me, but it’s fucking depressing.

I’m middle aged and wouldn’t share a changing area with a 10 year old boy. If my teenage niece was in the situation I’d raise hell.

Disabled boys need to learn appropriate behaviour around the opposite sex too, and parents who don’t do this are setting their sons up for trouble later. Even if they don’t care about the impact on girls.

No one has said small children shouldn't go with their parents. They are just disagreeing what constitutes a small child. Some 10yo boys are taller than their mothers. Some are still quite small. You can't generalise.

Public toilets... well it depends on the location. Family orientated places are different to more remote, dingier locations.

Why do people keep saying "young kids' or 'small child'? That is how I would describe my 4 year old. 8, 9, 10 is an older child, not a teen but a big kid.

@GrumpyPanda No one is bringing a man into a woman’s space. We are talking about children, and the expectation that someone put their child at risk of abuse or even death on the off chance that someone might not like it. Until there are more family friendly spaces you can actually access women will be bringing little boys into the women’s change rooms.

I really hope no one reads some of these ridiculous comments and actually feels they have to send young kids into men’s change rooms. If you feel so strongly about it, send your kids in on their own, but don’t expect others to put their kids at risk.

That's a really good look, bragging about your selfish disregard for other women and girls whose space it is. Also OP didn't even attempt to use the individual cubicles that apparently didn't have a queue. Neither did she attempt to explain the situation and ask to be permitted to jump the queue given her son's special needs.

@sollenwir

Sorry, I’m not looking for a fight.

But I do feel appalled I’m going to have to face another layer of crap to deal with within a year or so.

Apologies if any of that got deflected at you.

I had genuinely thought there wouldn’t be an issue until about 10/12 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for your good wishes. Take care.

You're disagreeing with whatever I say, so I'm going to leave it here. I wish you and your family well going forward.

@sollenwir

I don’t think the current situation is appropriate for mothers or children.

The men aren’t just perverted about women… some of them are there to leer at the kids.

re. The doors - money probably.

@sollenwir

I am not about to avoid anywhere due to disability.

I do not think that is the answer. Disabled people shouldn’t be excluded from anywhere.

I cannot leave my child alone to change.

1. he can’t change himself
2. he wanders and poses a risk to himself - particularly at a pool where he could drown!!!
3. he is vulnerable to sexual abuse/being abducted due to his lack of social understanding and implicit trust in everyone

So I’m sorry but if I find myself at a pool where there is no disability provision or even a disabled toilet I would be forced to have him change in with me.

If anyone complained, I’d say to take it up with management. And then I would challenge management and complain about the situation we had been placed in.

Yep. Most places can’t manage to have one actually accessible toilet/changing place, never mind enough to actually cater to the need.

Then we'd be back to it being harder for mums to help their older boys who need more support but cannot go in the female area.....cubicles with longer doors would seem obvious....I wonder why they're not?

Yep. But still I personally would prefer proper male and female spaces; the doors of the cubicles aren’t big enough and some of the men are perverted.

It's refreshing to see decent facilities, but you're right, there's a long way to go.

Having known someone who let their child at age 6 or 8 which ever age is usually written on the door have her son run out as he was approached by a man being inappropriate in public toilets I would never take the risk. It really depends on the place. Where we have swimming lessons there are lots of families so my older son can go in on his own. My 6 year old stays with me. If we are at the beach and it’s a bit isolated both boys come in with me. If someone wants to complain they can do so until the cows come home. I will still put my kids safety above anyone’s preference. If others don’t want to do the same that’s their decision. We sometimes stay at a caravan park, my 9 year old can use the toilet and showers in the men’s on his own during the day, but if he goes to the toilet after dark he comes into the women’s with me. The only person who has an issue with it, is him. Everyone does the same. No one cares. If they do, I don’t really care.