Page 19 | AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

JustKeepSwimmingAlong · 2023-11-20T18:36:21+00:00

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms. I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room. We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

TomeTome · 21/11/2023 11:03

sollenwir · 21/11/2023 11:01

It isn't 'nothing', stop trying to erode women's rights.

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As I’ve said up thread the real risk is to the young male disabled child.

TomeTome · 21/11/2023 11:02

ProfessorMinervaMcGonagall · 21/11/2023 10:59

But it bothered a teenage girl who tried to speak up to advocate for herself and was ignored.

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A better response would have been to suggest she waited til the room was empty and apologise for the inconvenience.

sollenwir · 21/11/2023 11:01

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:48

The risk of a woman feeling uncomfortable because of a nine year old boy being in the women changing room is nothing compared to what could happen to a nine year old boy being in the men's changing room alone

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It isn't 'nothing', stop trying to erode women's rights.

Mamato29192 · 21/11/2023 11:00

Yabu

sollenwir · 21/11/2023 11:00

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:46

9 is a child and I would not be sending my 9 year old jnto the men's changing room alone. About 40% of pedos are also homosexual * and my son's safety is more important than your rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not to sound homophobic before someone with zero reading comprehension accuses me of it. 40% of pedos being homosexual does not mean 40% of homosexuals are pedos.

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They're not 'my rules'.
Your son is not more important than the females in the female only space.

ProfessorMinervaMcGonagall · 21/11/2023 10:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2023 10:51

Wouldn’t bother me at all. Do what’s best to keep your son safe.

But it bothered a teenage girl who tried to speak up to advocate for herself and was ignored.

sollenwir · 21/11/2023 10:58

TomeTome · 21/11/2023 10:43

Sometimes it does though I would say either the male or female space could have been made available to this family and the able of either sex could have waited. Inclusion always has a cost. It’s not about tolerating it’s about embracing, that’s the critical difference between integration and inclusion. In the uk we try to be inclusive, we want our disabled community to be part of the community. To do that sometimes we have to be inconvenienced. I would have liked that young girl to have waited for the less able. I’m glad she could ask, and I don’t think OP should use the female changing room as she did but I do think she should have carried on.

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No, it does not.

PuttingDownRoots · 21/11/2023 10:58

@Leah5678 just because your father took you into inappropriate places doesn't make it right. My DDs haven't been in male changing facilities since they were 7. Mixture of own choice and their father realising it was inappropriate. Their father is a Youth group leader, so more knowledgeable about safeguarding than the average person.

sollenwir · 21/11/2023 10:57

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:36

It's a little boy not a grown man why are people on this thread acting as if he's a pervert 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nobody has mentioned him being a pervert, except the posters accusing others of apparently doing that.

MargotBamborough · 21/11/2023 10:56

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:55

As I've already said on this thread about three times now I got changed in the men's with my dad till I was 10 maybe even 11. I was SURROUNDED by males so I think you should be able to handle a small number of nine year old boys😂
Honestly it's a non issue I've only ever seen people get their panties in a twist about parents keeping their kids safe by not letting them go into a changing room alone on Mumsnet

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How is this relevant?

You shouldn't have been in that situation and neither should the men using that space tbh.

sollenwir · 21/11/2023 10:56

Heresapickle · 21/11/2023 10:29

What about disabled women? We have to budge up for able bodied women and every other bugger.

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You shouldn't have to though.

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:55

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:51

@Leah5678 What about 9 year old girls trying to change? or girls just getting puberty? They should be happy to naked in front of a boy? Because the little darling can’t wait in a queue for an individual cubicle?

Your son doesn’t get to come into female spaces. Male violence isn’t women’s problem to solve. Women and girls do not need to budge up for you to swan in with your son. Go somewhere else. I very much hope you are removed any time you try to do this. Someone needs to teach your son that women and girls deserve boundariesz

As I've already said on this thread about three times now I got changed in the men's with my dad till I was 10 maybe even 11. I was SURROUNDED by males so I think you should be able to handle a small number of nine year old boys😂
Honestly it's a non issue I've only ever seen people get their panties in a twist about parents keeping their kids safe by not letting them go into a changing room alone on Mumsnet

TomeTome · 21/11/2023 10:55

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:47

Absolutely nothing dangerous about waiting for the family change, using the disabled toilets or speaking to staff to skip the queue.

Also nothing dangerous about putting an override dry robe on him, slipping off his wet shorts and drying down all the drips whilst standing in the queue. He’d be dry, completely covered and then just have to wait to get dressed. That’s what I always did to avoid the issue of water sensitivity on my son’s skin. He was in no danger, his dignity was maintained, and I didn’t invade a female only space.

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Yes I’m highlighting that OPs solution isn’t a good idea for her vulnerable disabled child. I think you’ve misunderstood my post.

Haydenn · 21/11/2023 10:51

You should’ve waited for an appropriate space. I also don’t like the fact that this girl has advocated for herself and you have ignored her very legitimate concerns and put her in a situation where she is uncomfortable.

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:51

@Leah5678 What about 9 year old girls trying to change? or girls just getting puberty? They should be happy to naked in front of a boy? Because the little darling can’t wait in a queue for an individual cubicle?

Your son doesn’t get to come into female spaces. Male violence isn’t women’s problem to solve. Women and girls do not need to budge up for you to swan in with your son. Go somewhere else. I very much hope you are removed any time you try to do this. Someone needs to teach your son that women and girls deserve boundariesz

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2023 10:51

Wouldn’t bother me at all. Do what’s best to keep your son safe.

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:50

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:49

@Leah5678
They’re the rules of every leisure centre, actually. If you don’t like them then don’t go or use a family changing room, an individual changing room or the toilets if they don’t have those. Don’t bring your son into an open plan female only changing room.

I went into the men's changing room with my dad till I was about 10. The rules aren't r strictly enforced. So yeah I'll continue to enjoy my family swimming days 😊

tiredmama23 · 21/11/2023 10:49

funinthesun19 · 20/11/2023 19:12

That dad on here a couple of weeks ago who went in to the female toilets with his DD was a bigger threat to a 14 year old girl than a 9 year old boy with additional needs is in a changing room. And yet plenty of women on here told him it was all cool to go in there. But yet a boy with additional needs is not ok because apparently HE is a problem in a female space and a grown arsed man isn’t.

Righty o. At least keep it consistent. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't understand these types of comments. There are (presumably) thousands of MN users - so unless it's the exact same posters posting conflicting opinions on different threads - how does the "keep it consistent" comment even make sense? Surely it's just different people posting who may have different views to those who posted on the other thread?

Also, there's an important difference anyway between the two scenarios - the Dad in the first scenario is presumably not removing his clothes in the toilet.

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:49

@Leah5678
They’re the rules of every leisure centre, actually. If you don’t like them then don’t go or use a family changing room, an individual changing room or the toilets if they don’t have those. Don’t bring your son into an open plan female only changing room.

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:48

TigerRag · 21/11/2023 10:40

It's ok as a woman to feel uncomfortable?

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The risk of a woman feeling uncomfortable because of a nine year old boy being in the women changing room is nothing compared to what could happen to a nine year old boy being in the men's changing room alone

SecondUsername4me · 21/11/2023 10:47

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:46

9 is a child and I would not be sending my 9 year old jnto the men's changing room alone. About 40% of pedos are also homosexual * and my son's safety is more important than your rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not to sound homophobic before someone with zero reading comprehension accuses me of it. 40% of pedos being homosexual does not mean 40% of homosexuals are pedos.

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At what age will you?

Other women and girls shouldn't have to put up with boys in their sex segregated spaces because of your problem with this. You need to find a solution that doesn't expect this of women and girls.

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:47

TomeTome · 21/11/2023 10:45

Those of you questioning why this isn’t a good idea need to think about just how dangerous this situation is for OPs son.

Absolutely nothing dangerous about waiting for the family change, using the disabled toilets or speaking to staff to skip the queue.

Also nothing dangerous about putting an override dry robe on him, slipping off his wet shorts and drying down all the drips whilst standing in the queue. He’d be dry, completely covered and then just have to wait to get dressed. That’s what I always did to avoid the issue of water sensitivity on my son’s skin. He was in no danger, his dignity was maintained, and I didn’t invade a female only space.

Leah5678 · 21/11/2023 10:46

sollenwir · 20/11/2023 23:31

I mentioned small child in relation to smaller children being allowed in opposite sex changing rooms. I don't think 9 is a small child, though there can be a lot of variety in a ability at that age.

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9 is a child and I would not be sending my 9 year old jnto the men's changing room alone. About 40% of pedos are also homosexual * and my son's safety is more important than your rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not to sound homophobic before someone with zero reading comprehension accuses me of it. 40% of pedos being homosexual does not mean 40% of homosexuals are pedos.

TomeTome · 21/11/2023 10:45

Those of you questioning why this isn’t a good idea need to think about just how dangerous this situation is for OPs son.

Thedm · 21/11/2023 10:44

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong
Well, I do hope your daughter never ends up being that teenage girl who has to change in front of a very much grown boy, and whose mother simply shrugs and carries on.

There are plenty other options for you, and I do hope you sort them out and never view this as a last option in case of emergency.