Being roped into caregiving

OK, so what's your alternative? Women quitting their jobs and doing it all for free, like they used to? At the expense of their own pension and prospects? Genuinely interested in a workable solution.

'Making provision' means thinking ahead to your old age. You cannot control what your children do, if they choose to move abroad or to the opposite ends of the country you can't expect them to uproot their entire lives and move back just for you. This is different from expecting some involvement care calls, visits, etc. Furthermore if parents feel their kids' presence is important they are welcome to align their lives similarly e.g. buying a house nearby and discussing potential scenarios.

As an example GFIL (granddad in law) is close to a 100, decided to move to a rural backwater 4 hour drive away far from hospitals etc. In good health now but should he get ill how on Earth is the responsibility of PILs to take care of him. Especially as they're younger than he is but not in good health themselves. He made his choices refused to entertain any discussion they made theirs. Also... family values go BOTH ways. If parents refuse to help with grandkids etc they can't then complain that they're not taken care of.

Your thinking is very black and white someone who puts their parents into a care home is automatically 'abandoning them', 'pleasing themselves' and not 'enforcing standards'. There is no situation, in your mind, where people try their utmost best, including visiting when required, paying for the care home, etc. According to you if they don't do the care themselves they have failed and are completely selfish.

Not if you actually have a backbone and don't have doormat tattooed to your forehead.

And there ladies you have the very definition of clueless....

@xmasevefairy I'll be honest I still think it's selfish. Also, the whole concept of some older people having made provision for care when they need it is flawed, what does it even refer to? It still requires someone to enforce good standards and whilst everyone's pleasing themselves older people basically have to accept substandard care. It's almost a blind spot I feel like there's an entire generation who don't consider that they will ever be in their parents position. The way society is set up is to stick relatives in care homes and tell ourselves it's not our responsibility all while hoping and praying we don't end up in some of the truly horrific care homes around the U.K.

You're getting all muddled up here.
Refusing to be involved in ANY way (which is what your first few sentences relate to) and getting paid help (your last few sentences) are two different things.
Children should help as much as they can. However, they don't HAVE to. Getting in professionals isn't 'abandoning them to the state' care can be a hard, 24/7 job.

Also... despite your emotional guilt-tripping you've completely ignored the valid practical questions raised by @Startingagainandagain . How is the OP going to work to pay her bills, and save for HER old age if she's running around doing all this care? I can guarantee that grandkids will be far more impacted by a reduced income and parental involvement due to their parents being a carer - IF the care needs are severe enough!

As an aside... the sister has lived at home rent free for years... the care is really the 'payment' for having benefitted and is worth several thousands of pounds. The OP hasn't had the same so why should she share the care.

Btw my parents and IL's have made provisions for their old age they expect no care - rightly so. In 2023 people move all over the globe, us siblings all live in different countries. Even if we WANTED to provide care ourselves it would be impossible.

I just feel so sorry for parents with children who think like that. Who ensures the care that's bought in is actually good enough? Or that the care home meets their needs? That they're happy and content and well looked after. And if this is what their grandchildren see, that their parents stick their grandparents in a care home / with carers it's not exactly setting a good example to abandon relatives to the state the minute they need more care.

''@Ladysodor You’re being selfish.''

And exactly what is wrong with putting your needs first?

It is so tedious that women are always told that they must think about and care for everyone else but not for themselves.

The sister chose to move in with her parents and to care for them.

The OP knows that she is not cut out to be a carer, it is not a responsibility she wants to take on and she does not want to completely disrupt her life. There is nothing wrong with that.

You only have to read all the stories from careers who are totally exhausted, have no life and frankly regret taking on the main caring duties to understand that this is not something to be taken on lightly.

Not to mention the financial implications: who exactly is going to pay the OP's mortgage/rent and pension if she were to take on caring duties? as a single person she would potentially jeopardise her own future by doing that. There is no one else to support her and pay the bills...

Maybe what needs to happen is that the sister needs to accept that she can no longer cope and that alternative support/arrangements need to be in place for her parents.

That support is not going to be her sister but it could be paid carers or considering whether it is time for her parent to accept he can no longer live independently and look at shelter housing or care homes.

And looking after a sick, elderly person is nothing like caring for a child you chose to have. So it is also ludicrous to compare the two.

You’re being selfish.

@tokesqueen i can't believe anyone would just abandon their parents if they loved them, that's just heartless

I've really grown to hate my sister, and can't even look at her in the face any more, she actually disgusts me. I moved back from Greece to N. Ireland to care for our Mum whose health has rapidly deteriorated. I only get the opportunity to leave the house three times a week when I pay a sitter so that I can go to the gym. My sister calls once a month, and visits once every two or three months (something I was planning on doing while living in Greece – she only lives in Manchester). I will never forgive her, but know that I've done the right thing, and will never have any regrets as ultimately it was such a privilege to care for our mum.

Who cares? It's the parents I'd be judging in her situation. Dreadful.
Give social services one months notice and go.

The thing is though how can her sister feel she can move out when her parent is so unwell?
My friend still at home and she’s nearly 40 but I also know another woman who is 57 and never moved out. She has an unbearable amount of caregiving duties as both her parents are in their eighties and struggling. If she moved out they would have no support and she would be judged big time. It’s not that easy for her to just “move out “.

I think it is OK to say no. However you should also be supporting your sister to get away. Consider also that if she does move out then you will have more responsibility than you currently do.

Yes this

Not sure why anyone thinks you should be your parents caregiver if you don't want to

I wouldn't do it

Your sister chooses to and that's up to her

@Newbie690 When you say your sister is a Part time carer for your Dad. What do mean by that? Does she work? What age is your Mum? And what about your Dad's age? You say he's 'unwell'. Is this going to be a permanent situation or possible temporary - but likely quite a while?

It would help to know?

@Atethehalloweenchocs . The way I see it, the sister's situation is the result of her deciding to keep living with the parents, rather than moving out and sorting (and paying for) her own accommodation. It probably suited both the sister and the parents originally, but now it doesn't since their care needs have become more onerous and she has fallen into the habit of being responsible for them, simply because she is on hand. But that is not the OP's fault.

I would not like to be "roped" into sleeping on a sofa in my parents' house to care for them on a regular basis either, so I can understand why the OP is using this language.

In reality, there needs to be a conversation about the parents' care needs and whether they can be met at home and, if so, what professional/external help is needed.

*The point isn't that the OP shouldn't help but that the form of help being demanded of her (weekly/fortnightly live-in care for a few days at a time an hour for her home and without proper accommodation) is entirely impractical and unreasonable.

She and her sister need to have a conversation about how the load can sensibly be shared.*

Is it though? I agree that the demands being made are not reasonable. But the tone of the OP post - 'roped in', sister has made her choice, etc etc - makes it sound like she does not want to do any care or see herself as having an responsibility in this situation. For all those saying that the sister had a choice, in my experience the 'choice' to take on care is not a choice at all, but a result of a horrible game of chicken where some siblings are prepared to do fuck all.

The point isn't that the OP shouldn't help but that the form of help being demanded of her (weekly/fortnightly live-in care for a few days at a time an hour for her home and without proper accommodation) is entirely impractical and unreasonable.

She and her sister need to have a conversation about how the load can sensibly be shared.

Sorry, I just dont think it is good enough to say you dont want to do it. The solution of sleeping on the couch does not sound like a good solution and I dont blame you for not wanting to do it. But at the same time, you need to find a way to offer some help, it is not fair to leave it all to your sister.

Presumably your parents didn’t just care for you sister as a child- they cared for you too, provided materially, emotionally etc when you were a child? In which case you are being very unreasonable. You should a) care for your parents just like they did for you, b) not lump it all on your sister as yes that’s selfish c) at the very least pay for care for your portion of you aren’t willing to do it yourself.

What I've read on the Elderly Parents board about the difficulties with unfair sharing of responsibilities with siblings and different views between siblings as to what care is appropriate has made me very glad to be an only.

@HamBone not easier in that I have to do it all, but easier as in I'm not letting anyone down or not meeting someone else's expectations of what I should be doing.

I noticed when my Dcousins were over earlier in the year they had expectations- oh the house is not very clean, oh your DM doesn't seem very well has she been checked for x,y and z - and it was annoying.

I'm coming to this thread late, but honestly when I read threads like these it makes me grateful I am an only DC.

@rookiemere Do you find it easier being an only? I’m also an only and find it hard as I have no one to share the responsibility with (although adult social care are involved and some extended family). I’d love to clone myself though. 😂

I'm coming to this thread late, but honestly when I read threads like these it makes me grateful I am an only DC.

My DPs live an hour away and I visit as often as I feel I can which is every 2-3 weeks. Obviously if there was an issue or emergency I'd go more frequently.

They aren't able to keep on top of the housekeeping any more so I gently suggested to DM they might want to organise a cleaner ( they can afford it) and they are in the process of organising that.

Of course I could try and clean it myself but I work and can scarcely keep my own house clean.

Same will need to happen if they need more hands on care. Happy to organise it, but I need to work or I don't earn money or make pension contributions.

Maybe offer a week's respite for your Dsis so she can go on holiday and whilst you're there try to get some organised care in place.