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Original poster

How to be content?

41 replies

Mgup · 15/11/2023 20:46

Hi everyone

Name changed for this thread, however need advice on how to be content!

For context I am 35yr old female, happily married with two DC aged 11 and 12. Own our mortgaged property and doing well career wise eg have achieved a senior position before peers and even before I thought I would eg assumed I'd be in my mid 40's/ 50's before I reached this level career wise

However the major issue is that I always feel unsettled and like whatever I have needs to be better, my job is pretty ideal except the location but helps me have a great work life balance etc

Marriage is good, kids doing ok, and I am grateful that after a rocky yr7 for eldest, they seem to have settled down significantly

I wanted to move house last yr to bigger property but current interest rates made that unfeasible, since made my peace with staying where we are which still meets our needs and is affordable

Before I changed jobs, was reallocating stressed out with no pension or stability, now wondering if I should return for more money but that also means more stress!

Keep feeling like at my age I should be investing more financially eg in a buy to let or something else, have focussed this year on getting another income stream which is going well so this is another goal net, but still worry that this is not enough and that I should have amassed more assets etc by now beyond my residential property

Thinking of studying for a post grad, but just feeling like I am at a crossroads in life as always

I am so grateful for everything I have however just want to feel content in life but for some reason cannot settle and feel this sense of underachievement no matter what I do

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 23:04

Mgup · 15/11/2023 23:01

Parents were always striving for bigger a bigger property when I was growing up, they worked extra jobs etc to achieve this so I know that this is learnt behaviour to an extent

Show quote history

So there's your answer.

I'd see a counsellor to unpack what you've been taught and release yourself from the learned behaviour. Then you can make your own decisions.

Original poster
Mgup · 15/11/2023 23:01

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 22:54

What was your upbringing like, were your parents content?

Parents were always striving for bigger a bigger property when I was growing up, they worked extra jobs etc to achieve this so I know that this is learnt behaviour to an extent

OP posts:
Original poster
Mgup · 15/11/2023 22:58

Thank you all for the kick up the backside I needed tonight to stop me continuously naval gazing, I know I maybe coming across as 'O so privileged and out of touch' but that is not the intention, I constantly feel at a crossroads regarding next steps which is actually really exhausting and often leaves me feeling anxious about the future

I will explore the suggestions given and put off doing anything drastic for a bit and rather try to bring myself back to appreciating the positive people and things that I have more

OP posts:
Ohtobetwentytwo · 15/11/2023 22:55

I say this genuinely kindly, but have you always been so busy? Rationally you must know that you cant do everything at once so it sounds to me like you are over stimulated. Are you happy? Deep down?

Either there is something underlying or it's just your nature but depending on which depends on how to address it.

Can you practice meditating? Forcing your mind blank?

Shakesapear · 15/11/2023 22:54

This is just a guess but I wonder if you need to get something out of your system. You had children relatively young so perhaps didn't feel that sense of financial freedom / fun / whatever that many people experience in their late 20s before they settle down in their 30s. (Btw - I realise this isn't everyone's experience).
I suggest you need to get your teeth stuck into something that's intellectually challenging. Whether that's a course connected to your career or something completely different. Perhaps an MBA? Or set up a small business in the side? I know it sounds mad, but I set up a small business not necessarily to make money, but to understand how it works and to have experience of it. It's turned into a nice little earner that I spend around 5 hours a week on (outside of my normal job).
Failing that - pick up War and Peace and have a stab at that.

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 22:54

What was your upbringing like, were your parents content?

snowyowl22 · 15/11/2023 22:49

I would suggest having a look at what's going on in the world around you. War zones, poverty, corrupt governments etc.

Stop comparing yourself against what you think is 'success'. Some people your age will be CEO's, others will be living in poverty. You've done well by the normal standards and you're living a very privileged life (that's not a criticism btw).

Be grateful for what you have and if you really feel like you're lacking something then try and volunteer and give something to those not as fortunate as you.

Elvis1956 · 15/11/2023 22:47

At times I think we all think that way. I think social media makes it worse as everyone is having a great life.
I quit a management role that I should never have had given my background. But I had worked hard, and did well at it... however the company was a nightmare so I jumped. Moved into something manual, earnt probably 75% less but decided to quit being middle class and go back to my working class attitude that you have food on the table, good mates and plenty of booze and I have stopped worrying that I should have more.

Oxomoco · 15/11/2023 22:46

Mgup · 15/11/2023 22:39

You are right, and this is what I would advise others, yet when I am in what I think of as the middle phase eg no big life changes such as new job, house move, children changing schools etc I worry that I am coasting somehow

Show quote history

Honestly, your life sounds joyless to me. It’s as though you think of yourself as a competitive CV. Why not invest in yourself, in something that is an enjoyable challenge that involves no financial return or career advancement? Train for a marathon, write a novel, learn something difficult, study for a qualification in something unrelated to work?

Toomanycaketins · 15/11/2023 22:43

What about looking at things that makes a difference beyond improving your own circumstances? You acknowledge you’ve done well/been fortunate in life. Might paying that forward in volunteering/ a charity challenge for example help you reset your priorities and help you to be more content with what you have?

Slippertime · 15/11/2023 22:43

Maybe you’re just a driven person who thrives on a challenge and stretching themselves. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what you’re good at so I would suggest looking for a new challenge.

If you do want to just enjoy the fruits of your labour for a while then just think about all the things you’re grateful for and try to live in the moment rather than in the place in your head that’s thinking about what’s next.

Original poster
Mgup · 15/11/2023 22:39

Newrumpus · 15/11/2023 22:23

You need to change your mindset. You are focused on what you don’t have rather than what what you do. The former is always going to be larger than the latter so you will always be dissatisfied if you continue to think this way.

You are right, and this is what I would advise others, yet when I am in what I think of as the middle phase eg no big life changes such as new job, house move, children changing schools etc I worry that I am coasting somehow

OP posts:
Original poster
Mgup · 15/11/2023 22:37

MadameameBeans · 15/11/2023 22:17

Investing in a BTL now would be insane.
According to a recent survey at least a quarter of BTLers are hoping to quit BTL in the next year. Stampeding for the exits.

Why do you think that achieving your career milestone (which you are clearly proud of) 10 or 15 years early while maintaining a stable marriage and raising two kids is somehow underachieving?

Edited

I am proud of these things and grateful but subconsciously I think, I am worried that I am not trying hard enough/ settling somehow unless I am 'actively striving' for something.

OP posts:
coffeedrinking · 15/11/2023 22:24

I think it’s normal to an extent to get circumstantial itchy feet, so to speak. Comparison is the thief of joy so stay away from social media, by the sounds you’re doing really well

Newrumpus · 15/11/2023 22:23

You need to change your mindset. You are focused on what you don’t have rather than what what you do. The former is always going to be larger than the latter so you will always be dissatisfied if you continue to think this way.

MadameameBeans · 15/11/2023 22:17

Investing in a BTL now would be insane.
According to a recent survey at least a quarter of BTLers are hoping to quit BTL in the next year. Stampeding for the exits.

Why do you think that achieving your career milestone (which you are clearly proud of) 10 or 15 years early while maintaining a stable marriage and raising two kids is somehow underachieving?

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