Considering giving up work or going part time

Hi OP,

I can relate this in many ways although my DH is pretty good around the house and with the kids (so can imagine how much more stressed you must feel). Despite this I feel completely exhausted by the mental load of working and parenting and if I could afford to give up working I would do it in a heartbeat. Not forever but just for a few years until the kids were in school and then maybe something a bit more part time. I've recently returned from maternity leave and I was so happy not working and focusing all my energy on the house and children. Now I'm back I feel like I'm doing a half hearted job of both working and parenting.
If you can afford to do it then I say go for it. Life is too short to be stressed all the time if you don't need to be.

Sorry I've not read much further than this but just wanted to say take a break.

Health is wealth. Life is complicated. You sound like you have a good, fair set up.

For some people their identity / self worth is tied up in their career or whatever and that's fine if that works for them, but also equally fine not to.

Earlier posters were spot on when they said you can't have it all and be it all. You feel pressured to work like you don't have a family and parent like
You don't have a job.

You've got a lot on your plate for sure but one thing that stood out for me is what you said about procrastination. I’ve had episodes of that in a full-on job, I can do the job in the time but I don’t, therefore the mental toll/guilt and unnecessary stress I’ve added to myself make me further exhausted.

Why are you procrastinating and if you didn’t is the job manageable? Are you also procrastinating on household stuff? Is your sleep quality affected by your to-do list?

For me, looking after my health by exercising and paying attention to diet massively helped with my brain fog and inability to focus. I will always procrastinate but have realised there’s a healthy amount for me.

I’ve had periods of more flexible working, not working at all and part time work but in all honesty in a lot of high pressure target driven jobs (which is what I do) it makes little difference as a part time job doesn’t really remove a lot of the usual annoyances and you just get less money. If you could go part time it may help but it does depend on if it’s really a part time role, not just a slightly less amount of work squished into a too-small timeframe. What I found more useful was just pushing back on the unnecessary stuff, accepting that good was often good enough and I ensuring I prioritise my well-being. Being victim to other people’s schedules is exhausting, you can’t avoid a lot of that with nursery drops and pickups or some meetings but are you pushing back and carving out your lunchtime walk or actually allowing enough time to do the pick ups, not the minimum.

just something to think about as I don’t always think work is the entire problem but how we work sometimes. And mental exhaustion and stress takes a huge toll on our ability to function efficiently.

That’s true, my friend works for her DHs business & it means he is around more so win-win.

Could your DH adjust his hours/job? DH wfh 2-3 days a week which makes a big difference to smoothness of life.

I went p/t & still am p/t now dc are in school. As pp said it’s school that’s trickier. Yes it has impacted my career but I still earn well.

I did part time when mine was small

It's almost certainly cost me one ( significant ) promotion and around 10k a year for the last ten years - but I amnt a great spender

I am part time again as I head towards retirement at some mythical point in time

I would not have done any different - the benefits are way more than the negatives - sanity , time to play , time to look after your health diet and exercise ( which matters more as you get older ) - well worth it

I couldn't have gone full time sahm- couldn't afford to and wouldn't have returned to such as good a job ( fast moving tech sector ) and I like the mental stimulation

It’s a shame that being a sahp in the pre school years isn’t recognised protected and supported by the government - there’s a choice of either working as OP describes till your mental and physical health start to suffer or being financially dependent

Sad for your children that they rarely see their Dad. What happens when he's away and you travel internationally for work? Who looks after them then?

You need a Nanny. You have two big salaries, spend it!

Get the cleaner in more often or get someone who can do more of a cleaner/Housekeeper role also. Once a week is not enough.

Well don’t quit - that just has too many downsides.

Solutions would be go PT or get a nanny housekeeper

Is your DH going to be away all week for much longer, because that and kids is not a great combination

What does your dh say about how much you have on your plate?

I went 60%, firstly 3 days then half days. It worked great when my kids were small and I've went full time now they are older. I still have a high majority of the load but it's more manageable now and I'm able to be more organised

If you can afford it then I wouldn’t think twice about it.

I would definitely try PT first, as not having a job is great for a while but just being a ‘mum’ can be quite a challenge for some people as they feel they lose their own identity.

Go PT for a few months and if you’re still struggling then give up your job for a couple of years.

I’d also hire things like cleaners as I find it’s the mundane tasks like cleaning that are the most challenging when juggling work and kids.

Life is short and tbh recently I’ve really thought about how many people are working themselves into the ground . Health is so important too , as important as money.
I’d go part-time if you can afford it . I disagree entirely that it gets easier to work when they are in school but we have zero family support, in a country with very long holidays and short school days (Ireland ) and have 3 kids .

A lot of women wish they'd not quit work (aka wish they'd spent more time working) a long time before they get to their deathbeds.

I did this last year op and haven't looked back. In my case, kids were in full time childcare which was costing a fortune, and I was working stupid hours with very little work life balance. It was so exhausting and I ended up totally burnt out.

I started a thread here and the general consensus was 'don't do it's and 'don't become a dependant' but I couldn't keep in as it was so I gave my notice.

I took a good three months off and then very gradually started easing back into bits of freelance work here and there. Have a much better balance now a year on and I work part time hours now around the kids.

I suppose I was lucky that my industry allows for freelance work, but even if it didn't, I would have still given it up. Dh and I did do a lot of calculations at the time to make sure that we could afford to live on just his salary.

The job I walked away from was very corporate and decently paid, and I was relatively senior, but I knew it wasn't for me.

If you own 50% of the businesses then yes, I would go part time until the dc are older.

I was in a similar position and dropped from FT to 3 days per week, my role wasn’t one easily done part time so we recruited someone to do a job share. My advice would be to speak to your work and be honest about the stress you’re under, I know I was tempted to quit as I thought going part time would be out the question but my company was prepared to put things in place to make it work. You might find you can get the best of both worlds - explore that before giving up your career

A nanny would definitely be the answer but if you’re paying school fee’s for pre school then maybe not. I personally would rather save the money for private school (if I was paying for it which I didn't) for school. But guess you don’t want to change the set up now. Nanny would have been my first choice in your situation and cleaner a couple of times per week, one who will help with the laundry, changing bed sheets etc.

Second choice would be to drop hours. You might find that’s just as stressful as I struggled to fit my job into 3 days. Obviously they’d have to reduce your role, but depending on the role that’s hard. I run a number of teams so they just waited for me to return to ask things etc, so I ended up trying to pack in a full time job to 3 days. Back full time now and it’s actually easier but my kids are grown up now, youngest of 3 is 15. It’s so difficult when they are little, like you my children father wasn’t around much, he went to work overseas which was very helpful, not. Especially as I was struggling with a very serious chronic health condition and constantly having procedures done and needing help, with family 5hrs away.

My last resort would be giving up my job. It’s part of my identity and I would have struggled ‘just’ being mum. But we are all different. If you do take time out, I’d keep it to 2-3yrs absolute max

Ignore those making snide comments about being a financial dependent with no identity. These are really unpleasant and unhelpful comments.
Only you can decide what is right for you, and without your health you really will have nothing.
You sound exhausted and unhappy. I would initially see the doctor and get signed off work to give you time to rest and think.