To have not made her dinner

BurnoutGP · 2023-11-13T20:55:59+00:00

DD2 is 16. Its just me and her DD1 is at uni. I have been a single parent since she was born. I work 3 long days getting in about 7. We have 2 veggie goustos a week as DD2 is veggie to have something easy to prepare and some veggie variety. In the hopes that she will get it going on some days. This rarely happens. I got in this evening. She has been in bed since she got home from school. I asked what she wanted for dinner. She didn't fancy either of the goustos. She didn't want anything offered. Jackets, pasta, noodles, sausages, soup, beans on toast.... In the end I said well I'm having a tin of soup and some crusty part baked rolls. She's just stormed down and is making a variety of freezer food. Which I could have done for her. She's in a strop. Not to drip feed. She has some ALN (mild ASD and ADHD) and is doing some GCSEs so is stressed and overwhelmed. I have been calm and not annoyed. Not sure what else I could have done?

TheClitterati · 14/11/2023 23:33

My dd is also doing GCSE mocks right now & also had a strop over dinner.

Stay calm, keep going. 🤩

BlackTuesday · 14/11/2023 09:42

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 22:32

Thanks for the input. I think the ND mums get it.
The somewhat patronising lolling comments are the joys that is AIBU.
I didn't say it was linear or that she was at one end or the other. She has an excellent NHS Psychologist thank you and we have worked very hard at helping her self regulate.
I am well aware that she masks all day at school and struggles to self regulate.
The "mild" was more in reference to the fact that she is usually excellent at self regulating and managing school and life (which I'm sure we all want for our ND children).
I think I was BU for offering her too many options in an attempt to help and then getting annoyed. IWNBU for not actually making it and she did really well to come down and do it herself.
She's gone back to bed because my breathing was distressing her...

Edited

You said “she is on the milder end”.

muchalover · 13/11/2023 23:01

If you are referring to me I also have ND children. All of them have ADHD and one is autistic too.

Vanillatablet · 13/11/2023 22:53

Try using declarative language "I am making the Gousto now" instead of "what would you like for dinner?" then she can choose to join you or do her own thing. The amount of options is a nightmare for anyone with executive dysfunction.

motherofawhirlwind · 13/11/2023 22:52

I get it OP. And as someone else says - if mine is in that mood (ASD + ADHD also) I just make something I know she likes and put it in front of her. TV on so she can't hear herself chewing. Chat. Let her use her phone too. It'll get eaten 99/100.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/11/2023 22:50

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 22:32

Thanks for the input. I think the ND mums get it.
The somewhat patronising lolling comments are the joys that is AIBU.
I didn't say it was linear or that she was at one end or the other. She has an excellent NHS Psychologist thank you and we have worked very hard at helping her self regulate.
I am well aware that she masks all day at school and struggles to self regulate.
The "mild" was more in reference to the fact that she is usually excellent at self regulating and managing school and life (which I'm sure we all want for our ND children).
I think I was BU for offering her too many options in an attempt to help and then getting annoyed. IWNBU for not actually making it and she did really well to come down and do it herself.
She's gone back to bed because my breathing was distressing her...

Edited

Sorry op I did lol but thought it was a bit unhelpful so asked for my post to be removed. I have an asd son and get tired of people spouting the 'mild' thing and my thoughts got the better of me!

EvilElsa · 13/11/2023 22:47

DS is autistic and 16. I tend to just make a meal and he will eat it -if I offer up option after option he will refuse or say no etc. He can be overwhelmed by the choice especially if he has a lot going on. If I just do it and call him down he finds that easier. Some days he will ask for something in particular which we will do (he does help cook sometimes) but if it's a harder day I carry on.
DS is also doing his mocks so I get it! Luckily he's pretty chilled currently as he actually enjoys the peace and quiet of exams.

Original poster

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 22:46

noisyfrodge · 13/11/2023 22:36

Just to be clear in case you mean me I didn't intend to be patronising. I am parent to 3 autistic children and autistic myself. I'm not very good at getting what I want to say written down effectively so I'm glad some others came along to say what I wasn't able to.

I genuinely didn't mean anything bad there

Thank you. It's easy to take offense on here especially when I have worked so hard to understand ND and manage it. I already feel bad that I didn't recognise it till she was in high school and really struggling.

OP posts:

Original poster

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 22:44

TeenLifeMum · 13/11/2023 22:37

Haha, your last post! dd3 annoys dd1 by existing near her so her plan is to not argue (like she usually does) when dd1 says “stop breathing so loud”! Dd2 gets away with anything and is actually the really loud one.

My breathing, chewing, swallowing, rubbing my feet all distress (annoy) her. Its just the 2 of us and I'm NT so I have to work really hard not to take it personally.
For clarity I don't do any of those things loudly!!

OP posts:

TeenLifeMum · 13/11/2023 22:37

Haha, your last post! dd3 annoys dd1 by existing near her so her plan is to not argue (like she usually does) when dd1 says “stop breathing so loud”! Dd2 gets away with anything and is actually the really loud one.

noisyfrodge · 13/11/2023 22:36

Just to be clear in case you mean me I didn't intend to be patronising. I am parent to 3 autistic children and autistic myself. I'm not very good at getting what I want to say written down effectively so I'm glad some others came along to say what I wasn't able to.

I genuinely didn't mean anything bad there

TeenLifeMum · 13/11/2023 22:34

Dd1 currently doing mocks. I’ve briefed dh and her younger sisters that they are to handle with care. It’s a lot of pressure so we are all on a mission to lighten the mood at home for dd1. That said, dd did the washing up tonight without being asked (dishwasher broken and waiting for an engineer). I’d set days dd cooks so the boundaries and opportunities to succeed are really clear for her.

Original poster

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 22:32

Thanks for the input. I think the ND mums get it.
The somewhat patronising lolling comments are the joys that is AIBU.
I didn't say it was linear or that she was at one end or the other. She has an excellent NHS Psychologist thank you and we have worked very hard at helping her self regulate.
I am well aware that she masks all day at school and struggles to self regulate.
The "mild" was more in reference to the fact that she is usually excellent at self regulating and managing school and life (which I'm sure we all want for our ND children).
I think I was BU for offering her too many options in an attempt to help and then getting annoyed. IWNBU for not actually making it and she did really well to come down and do it herself.
She's gone back to bed because my breathing was distressing her...

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/11/2023 22:26

I don’t think there was any major unreasonableness going on from anyone here.

She is stressed and her ASD and ADHD are contributing. Lots of NT teenagers would also be stressed by this but the ND will make it worse and also make it different - and different from person to person.

You offered lots of options meaning to be kind but this might have made it harder to make a decision.

Another time perhaps just say “I’m making this” and make it. If it’s something she likes.

I don’t think any massive harm was done.

noisyfrodge · 13/11/2023 22:15

Ylvamoon · 13/11/2023 21:51

@noisyfrodge - OP did actually say that her DD is doing her own dinner.

It's great! Why should OP engage with a sropy DD? And take away the little achievement of sorting her own dinner?

It's not great at all she was stressed and upset and needed some downtime.

When I talked about more Input I meant generally compared with other teenagers, not specifically about her dinner.

MrsPinkL · 13/11/2023 22:13

Sound like your dd is stressed. Poor thing is just a little overwhelmed. I’d go and check on her make sure she’s ok and remember tomorrow is a new day

CandyLeBonBon · 13/11/2023 22:13

This might be useful as a reference op

CandyLeBonBon · 13/11/2023 22:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BlackTuesday · 13/11/2023 22:07

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 21:57

Thank you but I'll go with the formal psychology diagnosis.
ASD is indeed a spectrum. She is on the milder end but is most definitely neurodivergent.
Dismissing it doesn't help.

Show quote history

The spectrum isn’t a line with an “end” where people are placed along the line as “more autistic” & whoever diagnosed your DD has done her a disservice if they have minimised her needs in this way.

Traits are also magnified at times especially when under stress so what is “mild” at one point might not be at another time in life or even on any given today.

My DD can and does prepare her own food on regular basis and also cooks for others, and is an adventurous eater generally and competent in many areas of her life.

However, there are also times when things are hard for her, when I have to decide on the food and actually go in to her bedroom and sit with her and actually feed her as if she is a toddler, while she sits in her bed, or periods when she regresses to a very restricted range of foods.

muchalover · 13/11/2023 22:00

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 21:57

Thank you but I'll go with the formal psychology diagnosis.
ASD is indeed a spectrum. She is on the milder end but is most definitely neurodivergent.
Dismissing it doesn't help.

Show quote history

Sorry. I am an autism specialist in the NHS. Mild autism is not a thing. The autism spectrum is not linear and there are no ends.

She is autistic and may mask her needs more at times. Masking is exhausting.

noisyfrodge · 13/11/2023 21:59

Thank you but I'll go with the formal psychology diagnosis.
ASD is indeed a spectrum. She is on the milder end but is most definitely neurodivergent.

That's not what spectrum means
Dismissing it doesn't help.

Original poster

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 21:57

noisyfrodge · 13/11/2023 21:23

Mild ASD isn't a thing. She is clearly struggling and has been using her time after school in bed to try and degrees and regulate.

Thank you but I'll go with the formal psychology diagnosis.
ASD is indeed a spectrum. She is on the milder end but is most definitely neurodivergent.
Dismissing it doesn't help.

OP posts:

Original poster

BurnoutGP · 13/11/2023 21:55

Thanks all. She doesn't usually get so many choices no but I was trying to be supportive because of exams. In retrospect as the ND mums have commented it was too much when she was already overwhelmed.
The stropping can be hard to deal with, and she doesn't really do cuddles (too much sensory stimulation) but we have had a little chat.

OP posts:

Ylvamoon · 13/11/2023 21:51

@noisyfrodge - OP did actually say that her DD is doing her own dinner.

It's great! Why should OP engage with a sropy DD? And take away the little achievement of sorting her own dinner?

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 13/11/2023 21:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable in trying to care for her but the choices may have been overwhelming. I would praise her for doing it herself and have a cuddle