Another Christmas thread...

I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it all, was good to clear the air.

I’m confused, was there no other way of communicating your feelings without the meltdown? Considering the back story, why is this a discussion you are having mid November? Both you and your H need to update your communication game. I grew up with a Christmas martyr and it was a pain, assign people jobs and stop the martyrdom.

She is welcome for dinner, just not for a week at everyone else's cost (treating their house as a hotel, kids giving up beds, OP knackered and functioning as a maid, outstaying her welcome, never visiting other siblings etc).

Fair point. I'm overlooking a lot of the negatives here as I'm struggling to see past the husband telling his mum she's not welcome for Christmas anymore so will have to be on her own.

I'm thinking OP would be a much more courteous guest and not treat someone else's home like a hotel with maid service.

@dishyrishi Stay strong, it's time to think about yourself for once. You're not rejecting her completely, just making it clear that the existing terms of her stay no longer work for you and your family.

So when your children are grown and have a family of their own, they can exclude you as you won't live in their house?

I realise you're at the end of your tether with it, but your approach sounds mean. I assume you don't talk like that about your MIL to your husband.

You are dead right OP. Keep you foot firmly down on this. Your DH and his mum are used to using you for a free ride with life. So take that away from them and don’t feel the slightest bit of guilt.

It's time for family and togetherness, with the OPs immediate family, her, DH and the DC. Not extended family who don't add anything to the celebration but cause issues for everyone else.

You don't have to sacrifice a nice time just because it's Christmas!

Why would this only count for OP and not all of MILs other children she's not seeing at all over Christmas? Surely it should be a shared burden.

I think it might be too late to change everyone’s expectations for this year. However things can be changed. Reduce the length of the visit and insist she stays locally rather than with you, no one in your household should lose their bed over Christmas. If you live in a tourist area, accommodation should be one of the easier aspects to change.

I also agree that you need to agree a better division of the tasks and stick to it.

Now is the time to prepare everyone for bigger changes next year.

I think if it were any other time of the year then I'd be with you. But Christmas is a time for family and togetherness, not isolation of a mum and grandmother.

Imagine if that were your children leaving you on your own at Christmas when you're older.

OP, you don't have to sacrifice anything. You've done your bit for multiple years, now it's your turn. Don't be the doormat wife who tries to coach her husband.

As they say in the movies ' you had me at ...someone has to give up their bed'.

Say no, have your Christmas your way. Spending Christmas on your own is not the worst thing in the world. Your husband can face time her or he could go up there to her and you can have Christmas with your teens. So many more options.

You need to call it in now op, you deserve a Christmas that you want, not what others want.
If he persists in being with his mother on Christmas day, tell him that's fine, you hope he has a lovely time at his mother's.
Otherwise, tell him here's the list of Xmas food that YOU need to buy for YOU to cook for your mother and us because I'll be sat with my feet up in my pyjamas with a Bailey's.
See if he still wants her there then when he has to do the graft.

A week is way too long over xmas! Im glad when our guests leave around teatime after lunch!!

The problem being its now a 'tradition' so stopping it always makes a family look unreasonable! And if its your decision, then you look unreasonable. We had this when we moved house (after doing the visiting everyone every Xmas day, noone else was bothered) we laid down new 'rules' and had the Christmas we wanted. People were initially put out but it works without issue now (we do host, just every few years and we don't visit on Xmas day)
Why won't she go to other family? Is there issues with her relationships with the other children?
I do get that if she is going to be on her own that will be difficult for your DH but that doesn't mean you have to have her. Its still early enough to arrange her to go to nearer family and uour DH needs yo get his Siblings involved , who will probably be upset ghat you are not willing to shoulder the mental/physical load anymore!
Do it. Stick to it!

Good for you. Have a nice family day on Xmas day then invite your parents over Boxing Day or something.

No help for mil but away resorts open over Christmas and dog friendly especially Sandy Balls. Be tempted to book a break for you and dogs ,teens can decide either way

Could she come but maybe just for one or two nights and your husband doing the bulk of the work?

It's a little sad that otherwise she would be on her own at Christmas. Presumably she is old, won't have many more christmases left and it makes your husband a decent man to want to spend time with his mother.

Just attempting a slightly different perspective.

It sounds like, for years, Christmas has meant…..
additional hard work and disruption / no consideration of your needs and wants / not been the Christmas you would like. It is not fair on you. You feel you need a much-deserved rest, so stick to your guns.

Your MIL has other children. They might have fallen out, but why should you feel guilty at not having her. Let them feel guilty if she is to be her own, and maybe they will do something about it. Your MIL might end up going to friends or do something different. We are fed this ideal of how people should be with family at Christmas - but it can be impossible / not practical / not a happy scenario / too much work and no appreciation for the work and sacrifices made usually by the woman.

TOGETHER- they write it out together.

What????

Just no. Why should she let herself in for a shit Christmas with a stupid mind game?

Why should she take on the mental load ?? He's an adult, he can figure it out with the help of Google and his memory of previous Christmases.

Family who come for a week every year and sit on their arse expecting to be waited on deserve to be on their own.

I think you're going to have to sacrifice this christmas a little for the sake of next christmas. Agree - say yes if you take on some of the load. Then write out a list of what normally gets done. Assign bits to you and bits to him (do this with him there, you both get to choose some of the bits you don't mind as much).

Then when the time comes along - STICK to the plan. Rigidly apart from negotiating a swap if needed.

Either - he will step up
Or - the week will be so shit you can use it to remind him next year