Another Christmas thread...

@dishyrishi
OP
Sorry just happened upon this thread now. Did you manage to have an ok Christmas, what happened in the end?

(Apologies for resurrecting the thread, I didn't have a great Christmas myself, so just trying to hope it'll get better...)

my Granny used to do this.
Mymum was a teacher, so on her knees by end of term. Then mad rush to get everything before Christmas day.
My Granny would come to stay, she arrived about 3 days before Christmas and would stay....and stay. Trains on her bargain ticket were Tues and Thurs and she would announce on Wed night that she didn't think she'd get tomorrows train that she'd wait until nect Tuesday.
She often ended up staying until the day before the end of my mum's Christmas break.
It killed my mum. My dad wouldn't say no to his mum.
In the end my Mum put her foot down, and made it very clear which days she was invited for.

Exactly,stick to your guns and have the Christmas you want.

It is not unreasonable to have one in every sixteen years for you!

My MIL and SIL are coming for 10 days over Christmas but I like having them here.

We have an understanding that someone else does lunch - just getting bits out of the fridge etc and everyone chips in with clearing the table and dishwasher. So I only have to do planning and dinners.

It makes a huge difference that DH quietly keeps on top of all washing up and general tidying. If that was on me I can see it would feel like a real grind having to do everything for everyone else.

I don't think it's all about what the DH doesn't do..it's about the mil expecting to be waited on entertained and not helping

Good for you, OP! It sounds like your MIL has had a good run of it. A whole week of doing nothing at Christmas, and a week in the summer, and did I read you pay for her hotel rooms sometimes too?!

I'm all for looking after family, but there has to be give as well as take. I think your DH has some nerve to have a face on him about this. You're not stopping him taking the reins, after all. It seems to me that your DH and MIL are perfectly happy with the status quo because they get to relax whilst you do everything, and I think the fact your DCs have asked for a change means they can probably see the imbalance (and no longer want to give up/share rooms).

Please stick to your guns and let the chips fall where they may. Enjoy your Christmas.

I wouldn't pay for her room in a hotel. You aren't doing anything wrong here and you don't owe her compensation. She doesn't need at got your room when you visit!

Can you not have a lazy week, apart from Christmas Day, while she is there? Could you and teens not just stay in pjs, watch tv etc??

That's why I didn't call her unreasonable. It is just not my idea of Christmas but fair enough if its hers.

@TVaddict23 maybe she cannot do that every Sunday, or maybe she can but likes it so much she wants to do it at Christmas too (plus stuff her face & open some pressies)?

@sollenwir I only suggested that they could pay for the room by way of a compromise.

That way, they’re not being unwelcoming, just acknowledging that they don’t have space for MIL.

I won't say YABU because you're entitled to spend Christmas how you like. However I don't really get the spending it in your pj's doing nothing. Surely you can just do that any Sunday?

She probably looks forward to it all year and tbh visiting your kids and not lifting a finger doesn't sound that bad to me. I like to look after my Mum when she comes to visit, she did plenty of Christmas dinners herself so why not relax now?

Could you say that as you have no spare bedroom, she's welcome to come for Christmas dinner etc... but has to stay in a nearby hotel? And get dh to pick her up/drop her back to her hotel over Christmas. That would be a compromise and a lot less work for you.

Your DH's suggested script: "Hi Mum, calling about Xmas this year. The kids are now too old to give up their rooms, your DiL is too poorly to do any hosting and I'm utterly useless, so we need to do it differently from this year. If you don't want to pay for a hotel or Airbnb for up to 3 days (more is just too much for us all) and just come for lunch and a few hours on Xmas day and Boxing day, you might want to get together with those friends you go on holiday with. Anyway, let me know what you decide."

Why should they pay for her room when she comes to them, being as they also pay for their room when they visit her?

YANBU.

Could you all schlep up to hers for a change?

Or could you suggest to DH that she comes but has a hotel room (paid for by you two) for the week?

Stand your ground here and be firm. Women are so quickly guilted into taking the responsibility for elderly parents; so much obligation and duty tied into the Christmas season. Are you normally the one doing all the adjusting in relationships? Because this most certainly isn't compromise. Is looking after yourself and your needs a challenge? If your husband really does care as much as he makes out then let him look after her AND YOU so you can take a well earned break. & in answer to your question, no, not everyone 'sucks it up' - even that phrase hopefully gives you some insight into the lack of give and take in the relationship. Or look at it another way - do you want to be dealing with the consequences of chronic stress?

YANBU.
There just isn't enough room at yours for her to stay a week. If she wants to come she can book accommodation. I don't think that is unreasonable at all -DH can choose to pay for that if he wants. It's not fair to turf someone out of their room for a week.

Good on you op, bloody good on you!! You've had enough and found your balls!! I bloody love it.

Christmas is over a month away - that's plenty of time for her to make alternate arrangements.

I'm with the previous poster who said that people who sit on their arse and contribute nothing, deserve to be uninvited!

I wouldn't get into a situation where dh promises to help more and you end up agreeing - if he hasn't done it so far, then he is unlikely to do it now, regardless of what he agrees to in advance.

You deserve a nice Christmas - she's not even your mum but you are the only one doing any of the work. How the hell has that come about and been allowed to become the norm?

No, this has to stop. You've done the hard bit of telling dh. This is on him really, so don't let him apportion blame to you - both he and his mum have been lazy fuckers who have taken you for granted.

The most I would agree to is that she books a hotel (if one is available now) and comes for dinner. That might be a bit late now though.

How old is your MIL and where would she go if you didn’t invite her?