Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

Thinking of you @CinnamonSwirl82. Hope you are doing OK xx

Yes OP, that's the right way to handle it. Just do what's best for you now. Just don't let him fool you again, narcissists can be extremely charming. And at therapy all they tend to learn is how to be better at pretending they're not narcissists.

Not how to be normal, just how to be better at pretending.

My thought was NPD too OP. I recognise the completely delusional, sham life he built up and dragged you into. Seeming wonderful at first. The lies that come out more easily than telling the truth.
NPD though means he's completely dysfunctional, there's no cure. He'll have little empathy, no remorse, no ability to genuinely care for anyone apart from himself IME. He might do really nice, kind things and everyone think he is wonderful - but his only reason for doing those things will be because he wants the praise. Everything about him will be shallow and superficial. There will be no depth.
This is not someone to stay with OP, I promise you that. You will never get anything genuine that you want or need from him because for whatever reason he is just too broken.

How are you getting on op? I know it’s been a couple months now

You are strong enough and you can do this. The solicitor is there to help you.
im going through a divorce now and I never thought I'd be brave or strong enough to leave my husband and then cope after. However it turns out I am stronger and more capable than he ever let me feel. You've got this. You've got your mum. You can do this and you should.

Omg..what a situation....p.m. me and i will help you all i can

You are not a fool!! x

I totally agree that ‘muddling on’ wasn’t/isn’t an option at all OP. As low as you must be, please don’t consider taking that step backwards.
He’s potentially a dangerous man with his lies and killing talk. He lives a fantasy life so that none of him was ever real. He made you flounder around in his fantasy too, never able to feel secure. It’s no life at all OP, not being able to attach properly to him…everything is meaningless. So shocking for you to have finally understood the truth about him. It means you now have a major psychological recovery to deal with as your past slowly reveals itself for what it truly was -built on lies.

You did right to remove yourself from him and to make yourself and your pets safe….that was top priority. You did that successfully in spite of your recent surgery which will of course, also be brining you right down and be contributing to the shock of feeling somehow misplaced with all the familiar home comforts gone -for your pets too. But that’s on him.

More than anything else, the priority now has to be your recovery from surgery as all this extra shock will have been a major set back. So please concentrate on that for now if at all possible. Everything else can wait.
Praying that your mum can give you time and understanding enough to see you over this hurdle. And then eventually your path forward will become much clearer.

None of this was your fault OP. It’s all on him. He can’t be trusted even when he seems rational and sorry. Keep trusting your instincts. Don’t go backwards. Give yourself time. Hold on in there !

Totally get that you're thinking that you should have tried to muddle on but don't lose sight of the fact that his lies were seriously disturbed. In a way, an affair isn't half as bad, at least you don't have to worry about his mental state in the same way as you do if he's making up stuff about children being killed. That's not normal and probably wouldn't be helping your recovery from illness either x

It's ok to ignore it for a while. Or just tell him you want a clean break and not fight that fight. One morning you'll wake up and do a little then go and hide away again and of you do that enough times, you will get there, I promise.

The friend is a distraction btw. If she takes the crazy bloke off your hands and you get a clean break from this delusional man with violent thoughts, then she's with her weight in gold. What a prize she would win...

Sending you lots of strength and love OP. It's understandable you must be feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and homesick. And it's normal for doubts to set in about whether you've done the right thing but, even just knowing a fraction of what your partner is like and capable of, it sounds like you have absolutely made the right decision to keep yourself safe and happy in the long run. Keep being kind and gentle with yourself, and take all the time you need to make any other decisions.

Rest up, op. You can make decisions when you're better x

Solicitors do what you tell them to. That's why it's called instructing a solicitor.

They will also give you much information about the options available to you. So don't worry.

Not yet, though. You are still reeling from the shock, your nerves are still jangling. Rest. Listen to nice music. Eat lots of chocolate.

And No Trying To Decide on Anything. The time for that is Not Yet.

Sometimes the adrenaline gets us through at the beginning but reality sets in and you can come down with a bump. Your going to feel lost for a bit and your still not feeling great physically so take some time to heal and maybe jot down what you would like your future to look like, nothing set in stone but maybe where you’d like to stay or work, move to, travel, hobbies and health etc…

You do need a solicitor though with regards the house.

It’s okay to grieve your marriage and the man you thought your husband was and the family you had planned in your new house. It’s no wonder you feel empty and numb not to mention heartbroken but you won’t feel like this forever 💛

OP, you've already shown you're much stronger than the rest of us by getting out of there. Anyone in your position would be feeling worried/regret with all the uncertainty. I promise your life is going to get so much better from here on. You don't need to rush to do anything legal, unless you need maintenance or anything urgently. When you feel ready, you can go and have a one-off initial consultation with a family lawyer, and take someone along for moral support/to take notes.

Put a date in your diary for two weeks from now. And ask yourself then, how do you feel compared to today? Take it day by day, there's no need or expectation to have it all mapped out right now so take the pressure off that and concentrate on healing from your surgery.

Do you have a good neighbour at home who would watch your house, to make sure this ex-friend isn't there or moving in?
That would be playing on my mind, if I wasn't there to stop it!!

Keep being brave, your future self will thank you. Take it step by step, day by day.

CS

Would it help you if you were able to make an appointment through Relate to talk to someone?

I'm not sure whether you have spoken to a solicitor yet to clarify your position, but I would suggest that too.

After both of these, you might feel more confident about the way forward.

https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

A good divorce/family solicitor definitely won’t force things for you. The best ones do more listening and empathy which is what you really need right now. If you’re not happy with one though then see another one. The reason you’re feeling the way you do now is you’re recovering from surgery and the enormity of what you’d like to do has hit you. A good lawyer will talk it through and be on your side, not his.

Also, provided you set out what you’d like from the divorce then in my experience (ex legal secretary) you really don’t have to get involved apart from to sign forms and prob done online now anyway. I’d take your mother with you to the initial appointment.

When my daughter was in a similar position, she went to see a solicitor and I went with her.
I didn't say anything but just sat quietly and made notes. Maybe your mother could do the same?

AcrossthePond is right. Knowledge is strength and power. It will help you feel less overwhelmed.

Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you have to start the fight now. It just means that you're getting yourself educated as to what a divorce might look like for you. You can start the legalities later.

You need to see a solicitor OP and get the divorce in motion, if that's what you want to do.

If you want to go back to the house, you need to apply for an occupation order (have a Google).