partner won't commit due to finances

An ultimatum sounds like a terrible start to a marriage! 😬

If a woman gets to 30 without having children, she only has a 50% chance of ever becoming a mother. This is generally because of the lack of a willing or suitable partner before fertility begins to decline.

You still have a chance, but it is shrinking and you have to act decisively one way or the other now! Don’t waste any more time.

You are wasting your time.

Stop chasing him down.

He is happy with his life as it is, which is fair enough, but he is lying to you.

Move on.

There is a massive labour shortage at the moment. It’s so hard to get good people. If he is a graduate aged 30 what on Earth is he doing earning minimum wage? Should have been on more as soon as he left uni. It does imply he has absolutely no interest in improving his lot. Beware.

Agree with other posts, there is waiting for the right time, and making things more suitable and comfortable/stable. I for one wish I had done this before having my DC.
And then there is not wanting to do things.

I know of a couple whom I expect like others went through hard times during Covid lockdown etc, on top of any other issues, and the gf put a bit of pressure on and the bf proposed, I can't see that guy ever marrying her either.
He finds women who are single parents who already have housing/benefits, even though he works full time, got a stable set up.
Just went ahead a couple of years later and had a baby with her lol, which sorry to say it means very little to some men.

Don't waste the years you have, because men won't always tell you directly and even if they do, we still hang on and they see that we will, and still nothing will change. And they know you are still there.
And the set up suits them, they will carry on and not walk, which is the right thing for them to do, if they know you want something and they don't.

Your 33 and have a job with good pay and good maternity leave. Meanwhile your boyfriend of 30 has had the same min wage job since you met him.
Your currently renting a place. He knows that you want to get married have a family.

At this stage I tell him that you have decided to end things with him as he won't get a better job, he won't propose or marry you and that at 33 you can't wait for him to grow up because you want a family. You told him what you wanted a year ago and has done nothing in the past 12 months to improve his current job and pay.
If he was serious about you and your long term future he would have pushed his current employer for a promotion or have gotten a better job in the past 12 months.

I know it won't be easy to end things with him but I would not waste my fertility on a man who knows you want a family but it not willing to make any effort for you.
I know one lady who is now in her mid 50's, single and childless because she stayed for years with a man who never wanted marriage and kid's. She gave up a job and moved abroad with him at one stage where she was jobless & had no money of her own. Eventually they broke up when she realised that he was never going to marry her.

I know 2 woman who told boyfriends it was over because they were in their early 30's and wanted marriage and kid's. The boyfriends meanwhile knew this but we're making no effort to move thing along and were giving excuses. Both woman went on to met adult men who wanted the same as them.

You’re right about the ultimatums, but sending him wedding dates and job applications is along the same lines; it’s telling him that he has to change his mind now. If he agrees, how will you know it’s because he wanted to be your husband, rather than because he’s just bumbled along with what you want? And in 2 years time, when he still doesn’t want to have a child and accuses you of pressuring him into a life he didn’t want, he’ll be running off with a 25 year old who’ll be pregnant within three months and you’ll be starting from scratch with years of fertility wasted.

If he wanted to, he would. It really is as simple as that. I know it’s heartbreaking because you love him and he keeps giving you these crumbs which are just enough to keep you hopeful about having a future with him, but he isn’t marrying you or giving you a timescale for children or doing anything about his career because he doesn’t want to. There’s nothing you can do to change that.

Tell him that you love him very much and that you wanted a future with him, but that children are a deal breaker for you, so it’s best you go your separate ways before you waste any more time. You’re gambling with years of fertility that you don’t have to spare.

He's telling you what needs to change for him to be ready, and he's making no effort at all to bring any of those changes about.

How long have you guys been having this conversation? I think the time has come to decide for yourself that he either steps up in the next x months, or you have to move on.

You don't need to set to to him as an ultimatum, you can just get to the point where you tell him he's had every opportunity to create the circumstances he says are essential, and enough is enough.

Sounds like there are plenty of success stories on this thread for this course of action and I wish you every happiness for the future.

Unless you have parents nearby, if he's on minimum wage and you're just on just "a bit" more, you won't be able to afford childcare (at least not where I live, we were recently quoted £900 a month for three days a week of nursery), so one of you, presumably him if he is the lower earner, will have to stop work for at least a couple of years...he might be using all this as an excuse, but there is a grain of reality to what he's saying.

Don t lose any more time trying to fix him, he has very low potential
Around 30, it s when you see who adjusts to adult life and who doesn't, it seems he doesn't
You really have a better and faster chance to reach your goals (marriage, kids) by binning this one and finding your right guy
The emotional energy/time you are spending on him is time and emotional energy you can t spend for yourself to build your happiness

Think that he is lying to your face as it suits him not to lose you.

If he wanted to marry you he would. It can be done very cheaply.

My advice would be to call it off as you cannot afford to waste your fertility if you want children.

Exactly this.

Don’t marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you OP. I’m not saying I think he as the man should do everything to organise the marriage, but at the very least you should be sitting down together to agree dates etc. You shouldn’t force him to marry if he has made it clear with his actions that he doesn’t want to, you’ll only be back here in 5 years asking for advice on divorce and potentially still without children.

The fact you’re doing his job hunting and not him says a lot OP 😢

Why would you even want to be with someone who can’t be bothered to make any effort for you?

He can afford to wait. You can't .

If you want children you may have to let him go.

How many times do we see women waiting for the man to be ready only to reach the end of their fertile years. Then he leaves for a younger woman and has the children he apparently wasn't ready for/didn't want with her?

Often I don't want x really means I don't want x with you.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums. No one should marry unless they want to. And I wouldn't to marry someone who had to be dragged up the aisle. I'd only want to marry someone who thought he was the luckiest man alive

But, it is sensible to say "I'm not sure we're on the same page. I'm starting to wonder if I wish to continue in this relationship"

If he wants to keep you, he'll make that clear

But you have to mean it, and be willing to walk

He is a future faking fucker. Don't let him run down your fertility clock.

You’re doing all the leg work for him. If he wanted to, he would. It’s not your fault he’s like this but you deserve more.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing with him.
He's not interested in marriage and children. He's future faking and coming up with excuses to delay. If he wanted to marry and have children with you he'd find a way.

But if you still want to give him a chance (hope springs eternal...) tell him that you want to be married by such and such a date and start trying to conceive straight afterwards and if he isn't able to commit to that timetable you will leave. And stick to it.

You can’t afford to wait around for this man. He will drag his feet. I’ll get flamed for this but just because people ‘may’ be able to have kids 38+, my opinion is that it doesn’t mean anyone should be doing that. People are obsessed with waiting for everything to be perfect, the 4 bed house, expensive SUVs and being at the top of the career ladder. Biology doesn’t care for that and long term the repercussions are being in your 80s becoming a grandparent, etc. Everyone seems to have forgotten this. I think 40 should be a cut off for everyone male or female, certainly for a first child.
OP you seem to know this and there’s no better time than the present to find someone who is on the same page and can give you the things you want from life, you sound hardworking and like a kind person so you deserve someone who can match you with it.

I do understand him.
I struggle with the idea of marriage and I worry about sharing my life with someone.

I’d always want my life to be very financially secure before having kids, to bring them up in a stable home.

I assume, like me, he didn’t have well off parents and wants to do things at the ‘right’ time.

Unfortunately though, there is never a right time and you’d end up wasting your life by waiting (my DC was a happy accident else I still wouldn’t have kids).

He’s also younger than you which does make a difference.

I would tell him that this is what you want and you’ll both be able to continue working after having kids etc but that money isn’t everything.

I would say you want to be engaged and TTC within the next 6 months.
Give yourself a date and if there has been no change from him when you get to that date, then you know that you have to end things.

Impossibly for me to know if he's stringing you along or if he genuinely has it in his head that he can only allow himself to enjoy marriage and fatherhood if he has a better more 'grown up' job. However, it's largely irrelevant. The point is that it matters to you and knowing that he should be willing to either overcome his misgivings or accept the relationship has run its course. At 33 you do not have time on your side for him to spend time naval gazing and sorting it out. Given his lack-lustre approach to job hunting it doesn't sound like he's doing much about it anyway!

Just to look at it another way, what is the benefit to you in marrying him, OP? You have the good career, maternity leave, flexible working and the desire to have a child.

He has a min wage job and no motivation whatsoever to get a better job or a house. Zero drive. He’s not a catch, is he?

Look ahead, even if you marry now and have the child - perfectly doable - and clearly what you would like to do. If you split later YOU will be the loser and he will walk away with a profit from all your hard work. This is how marriage works in the U.K.

Plus who will do all the heavy lifting of parenthood - from nappy changing to drop offs and pick ups, after-school activities, parents evenings, letters home from school, buying clothing of all sorts, doctors and dentist appointments, even much later on uni open days - the lot. It will be you. Because he isn’t interested. It’s going to be a slog.

I would find someone who actually wants to be part of that.

Providing a possibly unpopular opinion:

I was in the same situation. Partner didn't want to commit due to being in a financially instable situation back then (him, not me).

Eventually, we decided to start trying for children. A year later, without any luck, he proposed, and 6 weeks later, we found out I was pregnant. Our relationship is now better than it's ever been, and we look forward to the arrival of our little one.

Before he proposed, I was in the same spot as you. I thought he just didn't want to build a family and future with me and he was also (as he'll admit himself now) really terrible at communicating his worries. He got a lot of "I don't know", "not the right time", etc from him when actually, he was very aware that I had a great job with good maternity leave package, he lived in my flat and so on. He knew from his mates that babies and engagement rings cost money and, for him, it was always about not wanting me to settle for anything less than what he thought I deserved.

When I thought he was making excuses because I had said I didn't need an expensive ring, etc, he wasn't going to propose with anything less than what he thought I'd really love.

Your opinions on these things will differ. Neither of you may currently be communicating what is really on your mind. That's okay. You just have to work out for yourself if you want this man in your life and if you're a good team. Don't let your age frazzle you either - you have plenty of time, so don't let society wind you up. It's not you against him. It's both of you together on your journey to discovering whether you'll be a family one day.

Don't forget, his role in all of this is not just to propose and agree to having a baby. It will be to look after you when pregnancy isn't much fun, to get up at night when the newborn won't sleep, to comfort you when a scan didn't tell you what you had hoped for.

Working in a minimum wage job can have a really negative impact on people's motivation levels and mental health. He might just not feel equipped for big life changes right now.

Men seem to not be capable of choosing honesty over the prospect of being alone.

He likes the status quos and doesn't want to loose it. He doesn't want the marriage and children future so if he says 'I'm not quite ready' you'll stay and be more likely to keep staying.