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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling isolated by work colleagues

87 replies

mickey54 · 08/11/2023 20:26

AIBU for being so upset about a situation at work? I work in an office environment with 8 other people. Today two of the staff were discussing an outing they had arranged with the team in front of me, which transpired a WhatsApp group has been created by one said member of staff and I was the only one excluded then proceeded to discuss it in front of me.
this is the second time now that I have been excluded and then they have discussed it in front of me. I feel so upset that People are cruel and unkind. I told my manager I felt like I was being singled out. I must say this is a very clicky environment with several staff in a click so the whole situation is unpleasant. I just don’t know what to do or whether being upset is normal. It’s hard to think your colleagues must dislike you so much ! I don’t know what to do ? AIBu ??? X

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Original poster
mickey54 · 11/11/2023 11:55

@ThinWomansBrain no not at all. Only doing something I would usually do. Seems on a purpose x

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KnickerlessParsons · 11/11/2023 09:31

SheSaidHummingbird · 08/11/2023 21:55

Clique

Indeed.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/11/2023 08:48

are they a lot younger than you?
if so, are they doing something age appropriate that they assumed you wouldn't enjoy?

Original poster
mickey54 · 11/11/2023 08:40

@hurlyb thanks for this, I agree the employers have to be accountable when it’s their employees. Luckily my manager has taken it seriously and acting x

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HelterSkelter224 · 11/11/2023 08:39

Gettingbysomehow · 08/11/2023 21:34

I've long learned that if I work in a toxic environment the best course of action is to find another job.

Yep

Original poster
mickey54 · 11/11/2023 08:38

@daisychain01 good idea! Definitely did it on a purpose!

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daisychain01 · 10/11/2023 21:15

They're doing it deliberately to wind you up and play a twisted power game.

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing you give a damn.

Why not get on a call on your mobile one lunchtime and loudly discuss your plans for a big night out coming up and show them you've got your own social life and you couldn't care less about them.

alternatively the next time they start talking about another social they've had, get involved in the discussion and find out how it went, where did they go, what was the food like etc. it'll take the wind out of their sails if nothing else!

hurlyb · 10/11/2023 21:08

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose yes, if the connection is work between those involved, the workplace can carry joint liability, along with those who are responsible for doing or saying anything awful. (Usually things like assault or anything which contravenes the equality act)

Our lawyers use examples in our training and it's bloody terrifying.

And yes, there's always the risk of people just stirring up shit. If you're senior anywhere it's often not worth the risk of mixing colleagues and alcohol.

Most workplaces take a pragmatic view but I've seen all sorts.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 09/11/2023 09:50

mickey54 · 09/11/2023 08:49

@Dibbydoos yes this is how I feel it looks as if on purpose. Not yet no. Thinking about how to go about it although my manager is going to try to address it x

What do you want your manager to do though?
Stop any talk of things outside work during work? It sounds like your colleagues were having a private conversation about what they'd done, not a big group discussion?
If that is what you want then would it not be a blanket ban on any non work related topics not just 'you can't discuss things if mickey's not invited'?
Are they allowed to discuss their plans at unpaid breaks or is the problem being on work property?

Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 08:49

@Dibbydoos yes this is how I feel it looks as if on purpose. Not yet no. Thinking about how to go about it although my manager is going to try to address it x

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Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 08:48

@Mia2468 sounds awful and similar situation. X

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Dibbydoos · 09/11/2023 08:38

@mickey54 The person who set it up has done it on purpose. They don't care that you're excluded that's not their prob. I'm so sorry it's happening to you.

Has it now been resolved?

Mia2468 · 09/11/2023 08:00

I had this same experience, even down to the WhatsApp group.

I wasnt included in general chit chat with the clique either. They all had a girly weekend away and I sat and listened to all the planning etc - it was horrible

I tried to get moved to another office but the manager refused

One by one members of the clique left and then just one of the original members was left, after which her and I got on fine. It's definitely a group mentality thing. I have left that job too now, but the last few years I was there the atmosphere was so different- no cliques

Its not you it's them- sorry no answers but it is horrible

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 09/11/2023 07:58

And @mickey54 it absolutely sounds you want to police their discussions from your op
two of the staff were discussing an outing
TWO!! 2 people were discussing their weekend, it wasn't a huge group discussion in a huddle leaving you out.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 09/11/2023 07:56

@hurlyb The workplace has an element of vicarious liability for what happens at social events, even if work didn't arrange them
Any event? Thats quite disturbing that people would involve their employer for outside work social events and can't imagine any reason why someone would complain and get their employer involved other than than to get people 'into trouble'.

Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 07:43

@GetTheWinterQuiltOut yes completely and very good at it. This is where some resentment may come from I don’t know, that I am thought highly of by my managers for my work.

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GetTheWinterQuiltOut · 09/11/2023 07:40

Are you good at your job? Are you a supportive team player who pulls their weight?

I worked with someone who had been in my team for years and yet I constantly felt like the team was carrying them which builds resentment - I didn’t want to hang out with that person outside work and I don’t see why I should have had to. I didn’t discuss evenings out in front of them because that would make them feel bad but neither would I invite someone I didn’t like just to spare their feelings.

Bunnyhair · 09/11/2023 07:38

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 08/11/2023 22:05

What outcome do you want?
Them told they have to invite you when they go out?
Them not being allowed to discuss out loud their socialising?
Them getting told by work they can't socialise unless they invite you?
I know it's not popular on mn to say but I don't think work/hr should get involved in people's friendship groups.

I agree. Nothing will come of this that will make OP feel better (unless her goal is just to have them told off, but it doesn’t seem that way from her posts). Sometimes people just have their own thing that we’re not part of. It doesn’t feel great but it’s life.

I read these threads where other people socialising without us apparently constitutes bullying, and I think of a girl at school whose mother came around and shouted at me for not inviting her to my 7th birthday party and made me write her a letter of apology and promise I would invite her to my parties thereafter. I hadn’t even disliked that girl before but I certainly did after that (particularly as she’d then sit at my birthday parties with a face like a slapped arse)

Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 07:36

@hurlyb thank you. I think that’s the issue the environment is toxic and getting worse being led by one worker. I will def follow up to try to resolve this as it can’t carry on.

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Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 07:34

@40thmonarch exactly this. New ones causing the issues, never experienced anything like this at all over all the years.

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Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 07:33

@Kittenkitty yes thank you 😊 I realise the employer has a duty of care. No I do not want to go but I also do not want it being talked about round me and making a point of me being excluded otherwise it’s affecting how I am at work and feeling people dislike me which may or may not be the case!

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Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 07:29

@ManateeFair 100% spot on. I don’t expect to be invited to everything everyone does but asking everyone and then rubbing it in on purpose is spiteful. This also included a new girl to the team who has been here 3 weeks so I think this was done to get more people in their group. Sad lives people have !

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Original poster
mickey54 · 09/11/2023 07:25

@devildeepbluesea thanks. The manager has listened and has had taken it on board but as you say not sure how seriously these situations are taken x

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Kittenkitty · 09/11/2023 07:24

https://www.gov.uk/employment-tribunal-decisions/ms-r-leher-v-aspers-stratford-city-ltd-and-others-3200390-slash-2019

I think this is the case I’m thinking of- there is actually a legal precedent for this. If you are the only one being excluded your employers have a duty of care to you do that you are not treated differently and excluded.

Personally though I would think about what you want, do you actually want to go? Or for them to just not talk about it?

Ms R Leher v Aspers (Stratford City) Ltd and Others: 3200390/2019

Employment Tribunal decision.

https://www.gov.uk/employment-tribunal-decisions/ms-r-leher-v-aspers-stratford-city-ltd-and-others-3200390-slash-2019

hurlyb · 09/11/2023 07:24

This needs mediating. What they're doing isn't necessarily an issue, it's the way they're doing it.

The active exclusion is a behaviour which could be classified as bullying and therefore HR could be pulled in over that. The workplace has an element of vicarious liability for what happens at social events, even if work didn't arrange them.

I would deal with this by getting people talking. I'd want to establish what approach is going to get the best outcome for all involved and mean they can still work together effectively.

From an HR perspective, this kind of thing is a time consuming pain in the arse but it does need sorting as some of this sounds really toxic, and before you know it, you have a culture issue.