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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay or Go?

34 replies

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:07

Just that really. I’ve been living overseas with my husband and kids for over ten years and have dealt with some serious health issues in the last few years including a diagnosis of breast cancer. I’ve got through this which has been tough away from family and friends. I’m concerned about the impact on my husband who would be moving from his home country to mine and all the other issues that kids and pets bring into the mix. I just don’t feel that I’m going to make really close friends here after being unwell for so long, I think I’m very isolated and depressed. I’m also worried about being a long way away from my parents as they get older. My husband has got hobbies and is building up his friendships here but I just don’t have the heart to. So really it’s a WWUD rather than a AIBU… Please give me good advice.

OP posts:
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Differencesclear · 08/11/2023 15:46

If I go home I think I will be happier. But financials , my marriage and maybe even healthcare may suffer.

I think you need to reread this OP.

Differencesclear · 08/11/2023 15:45

Your children are late teens? Early twenties

I know you say they’re travelling but what happens when they… stop?

you may be close to your aged parents but you’ll be on the opposite side of the world to your young adult kids

Tohaveandtohold · 08/11/2023 10:00

You really need to think this through. I know you’ll have your mum if you move back home but after you’ve been gone for 20 years, don’t think all the friends you had will still always be around and available as people will obviously have their lives too.
However if you move here and your children decide not to move, in some years time, this will be you and them as well but they may not be keen to come and live in the UK with you if they’ve lived most of their lives in Australia. Invariably, you may end up with just you and dh and annual visits with your children as you two get older. Think about all these, when you retire and if you’ll get pension, with your health, will it be better if you’re in the UK or there, etc

CalistoNoSolo · 08/11/2023 09:37

I think you also need to take into account your own children. They will have much worse prospects if they are forced to move to the UK, and if they are old enough to stay in Australia, you may well be swapping many years with your children for a few years with your parent. It's a tough call, you have my sympathy.

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 09:27

@CalistoNoSolo agreed. This is one of my concerns. If I go home and something else pops up, I think I’d be unlikely to survive it.

But @PramPusherCentral you’ve hit the issue completely on the head. I want to be with my people.

It’s a huge gamble either way.

If I go home I think I will be happier. But financials , my marriage and maybe even healthcare may suffer. Just so torn.

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PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 09:18

The most important valuable resource we have are people… go home to your mum and family, you need each other now, you can become a source of comfort to one another.

You deserve and need some cheering up and to be accommodated in this time after what you’ve been through! Money and earning power isn’t everything, if there’s a low mortgage and no rent to think about, you’ll be better off than most. And your health depends on your quality of life and meaningful connections with loved ones. x

CalistoNoSolo · 08/11/2023 09:17

I think you would be utterly bonkers to move back to the UK under any circumstances, but particularly as a 50yo who has been very ill. Health care in the UK is terrible now and more likely to get worse not better, even with a change of government. All of our doctors and nurses are going to Canada/Australia/NZ etc. Waiting lists are off the scale, appointments regularly cancelled at short notice, people finding it impossible to even see a gp.

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 09:07

@Lochroy I’m thousands of miles away. She’s UK and I’m Australia. I was very, very unwell. I ended up in the critical care unit. I could have died and it came on the back of other ongoing health issues. So I feel quite mortal and shaken by it all.

When I’ve visited my home town before I’ve just slotted back in with my friends. But of course it’s been as a holiday and I’m not back very often so I think people make the effort to catch up so I know it would probably be different if I was there all the time. My husband is happy for me to visit every year and family are happy for me to stay with them but I would like to feel settled. Although maybe I’m not going to feel that anywhere at this point.

Thank you for being kind and for your reply.

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Lochroy · 08/11/2023 08:54

How far are you from where your mum is?

I'm just thinking as I read your follow up posts, that I'd be concerned moving might not fix the issues. I don't want to sound mean, but if you've been away for so long, you'd be in a similar position to the one you are now in terms of having to start from scratch with friends, hobbies, activities and so on. You've had a hell of a lot to deal with, it's no wonder it's tough, but given Covid and your illness, do you think you've truly given your current home a good shot?

There's no point in staying put if you're unhappy, but I'm not sure if moving is the answer?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:41

@Giantgold early fifties. He has said that he will move but he is concerned about it. He doesn’t think the economy is very good and knows he won’t earn as well there. Which I agree he is right about that. But we could sell our properties and use the money - we would probably have a small or no mortgage so I think it could be done.

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Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:38

How old are you and your husband?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:37

Would I be right in thinking that you have floated this idea past your husband and he is not at all keen?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:37

Good advice @Maddy70 I do have a couple of friends here, but they are busy with kids and life. I was working but post cancer I’m recovering and still feel very unwell a lot of the time. I’ve been to the GP, on antidepressants, have a counsellor. I still feel very homesick and sad.

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Maddy70 · 08/11/2023 08:36

Your children are unlikely ro end up in the uk they have firmed their own lives. You would be apart from them if you moved

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:35

@Giantgold neither. I’ve lived in two places in his country, he didn’t want to stay rural near his family so we moved to a city.

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Maddy70 · 08/11/2023 08:34

I live in a different country too It's definitely on you to make friends. You have to make the effort.

Join meet-up groups
Say yes to everything once
Get chatting with someone at the next table at a coffee shop
Get a job where you'll interact with people

Don't go back to Britain, your children have their lives there now. You would regret it. I'm sure

Get treatment for your depression

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:33

@Giantgold it wouldn’t stop me but it’s a consideration. But I’ve got friends who have done this in the past. A friend shipped her cats to New Zealand and they were ok.

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Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:32

If we don’t move back home we will stay here and I will have to deal with it. But I’m not happy. I feel very homesick.

Worried about the dogs. But I guess they would cope. Concerned about the stress on them, time and cost.

We’d find work but it will be harder and not as well paid as where we are.

I could travel home more frequently but it feels like I’m stuck in the middle and can’t settle. I’ve felt like this since covid and it’s not a good place mentally to be.

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Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:30

We have pets that would need to go through quarantine and a long journey.

well yes they would. Are you saying that would stop you moving?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:29

In the first decade of your marriage - did you live in yours or his home country?

Lochroy · 08/11/2023 08:27

Quite a few gaps in the info!

So you're somewhere you've been for ~3.5 years and you'd rather be in your home country.

If you don't move to your home country, what's the next move likely to be?

How feasible is such a move for jobs? Where are your children?

Pets can move. Don't worry about them. Unless you have a polar bear or and elephant.

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:26

@Giantgold We’ve been married over twenty years. We have pets that would need to go through quarantine and a long journey.

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Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:24

Thanks @2jacqi I’d like to spend some time with my parents as they get older. My Mum is on her own and is vulnerable. She was in hospital last year and I was trying to help her over the phone. Not ideal. Not being able to see my parents whilst going through treatment has been horrible.

OP posts:
Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:24

2jacqi · 08/11/2023 08:15

@ShouldIstayorgogogo so it was alright for you to move from your home country?? he should move and be considerate of your feelings for a change

How on earth have you extrapolated that?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:24

Why are pets an issue?

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