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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At being pissed off at this...

29 replies

berrrnana · 07/11/2023 19:16

My DM is turning 70 next month. As a gift I booked a holiday for me, DH, DD and mom (me paying for myself, half to DD and for my mom)... next summer.
Backstory - mom is a widow hence why just herself going with us.
was looking forward to letting mom know on her birthday that I've booked this for her as a special treat for her 70th!

Now DH has decided what a wonderful idea it would be to invite his mom, dad along too as his dad will be turning 65 around the time we go. Aswell as trying to book his brother, his wife and their 3 kids on aswell!!

AIBU in thinking this is unfair on my mom? She will be the gooseberry in between all these couples and families. It was my idea to take mom away for her bday. Now it's being gatecrashed. AIBU for being pissed off?

And....

WWYD in my situation ?

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HundredMilesAnHour · 08/11/2023 09:00

he didn't care what I thought or how my mom might feel anyway anyway

Wow, it gets worse! He's horrible!

Good that it sounds like his family may not be able to come - although it doesn't sound like you're out of the woods yet - but his attitude is horrendous. It makes me wonder how you DM will feel going away with him. Does she like him? Or are you (with good intentions) forcing her into a holiday with your arsehole DH?

MaggieFS · 08/11/2023 08:34

Ok, so the good news is they aren't coming.

The bad news is he didn't listen to you and still tried to go ahead and arrange it even after you said no. YANBU to be pissed off, obviously. But the issue isn't his stupidity over thinking it was a good idea, it was how he regarded what you said.

Original poster
berrrnana · 08/11/2023 08:25

They weren't booked on. He suggested it to me and I said no. It's weird and it'll be awkward. He disagreed.. or should I say he didn't care what I thought or how my mom might feel anyway anyway.
So he went over my head and called them later on last night to ask if they'd like to add on to our holiday.. luckily brother can't afford to go just yet and dad didn't know about getting the time off so the idea was squished.

Still just pissed me off. Very thoughtless

OP posts:
OldPerson · 07/11/2023 23:44

You're being reasonable. Tell DH that you'll organise something special for his dad's 70th birthday. But a bit like blended families - you need time with your own children, you need time with your step-children and you need time all together. Your mum reached 70 first. You've got another 5 years to save for DH dad birthday holiday. And guess what, DH family would probably prefer a group family holiday with just their side doing what they want! If DH has already mentioned it to his family - sit him down and explain and then explain to his family that on reflection, you want to celebrate and value the 70 years of mum's life personally. (She's either widowed or divorced right?) But you'll do the same for DH dad. And in the meantime get everyone together for a day around Christmas.

Gcsunnyside23 · 07/11/2023 20:43

This would annoy me so much. Have you told your oh you're upset he's gatecrashed his family

Tinkerbyebye · 07/11/2023 20:32

I would tell him no. It’s a special birthday for your mother, she doesn’t want to be surrounded by his family

he can take his family another time

or he can stay at home and the three of you go

billy1966 · 07/11/2023 20:16

What a really selfish, thoughtless, twatty thing to do.

You have every right to be annoyed.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 07/11/2023 20:15

He hasn’t already booked them on has he?

Cherrysoup · 07/11/2023 20:13

Has he told them/booked them? If not, tell him to bugger off! This is about your mum, not his parents.

MaggieFS · 07/11/2023 20:12

Has he actually booked it, or just thinks it's a good idea. Which it isn't.

Livelovebehappy · 07/11/2023 20:10

I’d be mightily pissed off. Hopefully he has only invited them, but they haven’t committed payment for the trip yet, so with a bit of quick action on your part, you can uninvite them, smilie sweetly, and say your dh mis-understood the purpose of the holiday.

StockpotSoup · 07/11/2023 20:09

YANBU. My mother is a similar age to yours and would love a trip away with her children/grandchildren, but would walk into traffic to avoid a holiday with my BIL’s parents!

Tell your husband that you’re glad you’ve given him an idea for FIL’s birthday, but that that’s a separate occasion.

pictoosh · 07/11/2023 19:55

So her 70th birthday treat becomes his family's holiday?
No. That's not on.

LoneFemaleTraveller · 07/11/2023 19:54

Does she want to go on holiday with you, your dh and your child?

how is it a birthday present for her if you, your dh and dd go too?

pyjamalife · 07/11/2023 19:48

I read this as he's considered it but not acted, hopefully.

It's a massive no, whether he's mentioned it to them or not.

Awful suggestion.

YourNameGoesHere · 07/11/2023 19:43

berrrnana · 07/11/2023 19:24

I feel like cancelling i'm so annoyed!!
Unfortunately my budget doesn't stretch to booking another seperate one just for me DM and DD 😩
Wish I could now though pffft

Don't cancel it! Personally I would tell him he was no longer attending the trip and instead it would just be you, your mum and your daughter and he can do a separate one with his family at the same time. There's no way I would sacrifice your mum's trip.

forrestgreen · 07/11/2023 19:36

Send his family a group message
'Hi just wanted to clarify the conversations about the holiday. It's not a holiday it's a special trip I booked for my mums special birthday and I wouldn't want extra people to change things. Dh is going to sort something separately with you all.

And leave him to it. Cancel him off your booking at the worst.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/11/2023 19:29

berrrnana · 07/11/2023 19:24

I feel like cancelling i'm so annoyed!!
Unfortunately my budget doesn't stretch to booking another seperate one just for me DM and DD 😩
Wish I could now though pffft

Can you change it instead? If you ring the package operator / airline / hotel and tell them what's happened, you might actually get lucky and they let you change dates / destinations. Sometimes being honest with Customer Services really works and they take pity on you. I would if someone rang me with this story.

scrunchie2 · 07/11/2023 19:28

Has he just invited them or have they actually been booked on? Shit either way but at least if it's the invitation he can explain and uninvite sharpish

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 07/11/2023 19:26

Can you do a day out, just you and your mum, when you're on the trip?

CatamaranViper · 07/11/2023 19:26

Can he explain that there was a "miscommunication" to his family and they can't come anymore?

LemonLimeDivine · 07/11/2023 19:25

He’s out of order.
He can book his own trip away for his family.
Say no, this holiday is about your mum. Don’t let his family hijack it.
If he doesn’t like it, he can stay home.

ColleenDonaghy · 07/11/2023 19:24

YANBU, just straight up tell him no. My mum is also a widow and would hate that, and feel my dad's absence even more.

You can do a separate trip with his side for his dad's 65th.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 07/11/2023 19:24

How thoughtless he is, he has basically seen you do it for your Mum and instead of trying to use his imagination to do something nice for his Dad he's gatecrashing your gift.
What would I do? Tell him absolutely fucking not.

Original poster
berrrnana · 07/11/2023 19:24

I feel like cancelling i'm so annoyed!!
Unfortunately my budget doesn't stretch to booking another seperate one just for me DM and DD 😩
Wish I could now though pffft

OP posts: