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Original poster

Making DD do housework

109 replies

AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 02:15

So my DD disengaged from education at 16. The country we live in has mandatory education up to 18, and there was a lot of active input to try to get her back to school. My GP said to me that I need to make it so that either education or employment is better than being at home!

Right now, she can’t keep her bedroom tidy, we live in a relatively new house and she’s had mould growing on the (internal) walls and the inside of the windows (which I had to clean as she refused and at the end of the day, it’s my house that is being ruined). She doesn’t put rubbish in the bin, she doesn’t put clothes in for washing, she never changes her bed sheets, she doesn’t brush her teeth, she doesn’t shower. She says she can’t get a job or do a college course because she has anxiety, for which she is medicated, when she bothers to take the medication and she literally spends all day (and night) in her room, watching films, chatting to her friends or trying on outfits and doing make up.

A couple of months ago, I told her that I would take her devices away until her room was clean and she snuck out of the house, sent a text that she was in a “safe” place, said she didn’t feel safe at home and went off for a week, where we didn’t know where she was, so we left her to her own devices. She returned home, said that she owned her devices and that if we took them off her, then she would call the police as that’s theft. To which I said that we (her dad and I) paid for her SIM card, bought her the phone and laptop, paid for everything for her, including her clothes and the broadband she uses, and should we be calling the police for her essentially stealing our SIM card and broadband? I said this to show her how ridiculous she was being.

Since then, I’ve managed to get her to change her bed sheets once, help me change my bed and launder my bedlinens twice and she’s also done her brother’s bedding once (he works a 40 hour week, which would be 42.5 hours but he gets a 30 minute meal break, and he works shifts. He also pays keep, as we pay for everything for him, except his smokes and clothes). She averages once a week for vacuuming common areas and mopping floors. Twice a month for cleaning her bathroom. The only thing I absolutely insist she does is hanging out the washing to dry, emptying and refilling the dishwasher, feeding the cats twice a day, and cleaning the litter boxes.

Last week, she said she was going to stay the night with her friend - she came back late Monday night after a week away. She then asked why neither DH or I had contacted her and DH said that we had been here and she should have contacted us to let us know she was staying away so long. She did phone me on her way home, saying she had missed me and could I collect her from the train station! DH went.

She can’t cook, even though I try to get her to help me in the kitchen and she says that she has an eating disorder, which the psychologist she has started seeing for her anxiety, told her that she has. A couple of years ago, she was seeing a counsellor about her refusal to go to school, and at that time, she came home saying that the counsellor (who isn’t allowed to diagnose anything due to only having a 1 year certificate from college) said that she had PTSD and ADHD (which she has never been diagnosed with, and that no one else has said either). She is having an assessment done to see if she has an eating disorder.

She has gone through a stage where she refused to eat with the family, but then I caught her eating late at night (think 2 am) and also eating lots of junk food (getting her friends to order her Uber eats in the middle of the night), but she will tell the GP, for example, that she doesn’t eat as she’s not hungry, and has no appetite.

There is no bullying or anything in her past, in fact she was a very popular girl with lots of friends and she did very well at school, although to hear her now, she can’t add up 2+2, doesn’t know how many grams in kilo, etc., etc., and I told DH that I think she has weaponised incompetence because things she could perfectly well, she will now say that she can’t do, and never has been able to do.

Anyway, this morning (Tuesday, I’m a lot ahead of the UK), she comes and says to me that she thought that everything would fall apart without her here as she’s the glue that holds the family and house together. To which I just stared at her, in disbelief and shook my head!

Both DH and I have refused to give her money, or buy clothes, makeup, hair dye etc., for her, and we’ve said she either goes back to her job (which was a casual job but she was being trained in lots of different areas, such as cashing up, etc., and didn’t have to restock shelves or anything like that, so not strenuous), finds another full time job, or goes back to education and gets a qualification (if you drop out of school before the end of the school year where you turn 18, you don’t get a qualification at all).

So, my dear fellow parents, am I being unreasonable with my demands of daily dishwashing emptying/refilling, laundry hanging out and bringing in, and cat care?

OP posts:
SmokeyToo · 08/11/2023 04:25

@VORE Your post is brilliant! As a former 'problem child' myself, I heartily agree!

Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 08/11/2023 03:58

Britneyfan · 08/11/2023 03:47

It can be very tricky to work out what’s going on with teenagers, and the disruption and stress caused by the pandemic hasn’t helped at all.

I do think the lack of toothbrushing and showering sticks out like a sore thumb as an indication that there is perhaps something more to this than a teenager being a teenager and using “mental health”/anxiety/whatever as an excuse not to do the things she would rather not do. The usual reasons for this would be depression or neurodiversity (and I know you said neither of these are felt to be the case with her).

Slightly odd that she still bothers with the makeup though maybe. Although I have seen extremely mentally unwell teens still bother with false eyelashes and acrylic nails and hair extensions etc. and in many ways I think some teens put more not less makeup on until a very late stage of things indeed. So I guess as it’s a teen and not an older adult I would ignore the make-up side of things but pay attention to the lack of personal hygiene. Crumpled clothes etc can just be from a teen who is generally messy and doesn’t particularly pay attention to those sort of details but if she would previously brush her teeth and shower regularly it suggests something has changed.

If it wasn’t for that I would very much be thinking that yes you need to do as your GP suggests and don’t make her life too comfy or easy at home until she decides work or education is easier. The fact that your GP has suggested that makes me think that your GP also thinks this is a teenager problem rather than a mental health problem per se. But the hygiene issue gives me some pause for thought. I don’t envy you OP.

Thank you. I should have made it clear that once she was old enough to be responsible for her own showering and toothbrushing (as in, I wasn't nagging her to take a shower or brush her teeth, and she was too old for me to bathe her), that was when the showering and toothbrushing went out of the window! So pre-teens maybe?

For some reason, clothes hygiene and personal hygiene have never been high on her agenda. She doesn't smell per se as she will use wipes for her face/armpits but she is quite happy to have a weekly shower and the dentist is quite unhappy with her lack of dental hygiene.

Perhaps it's because as she says, these are societal standards and why waste time doing something that you'll have to do again and again 🤔

OP posts:
Britneyfan · 08/11/2023 03:47

It can be very tricky to work out what’s going on with teenagers, and the disruption and stress caused by the pandemic hasn’t helped at all.

I do think the lack of toothbrushing and showering sticks out like a sore thumb as an indication that there is perhaps something more to this than a teenager being a teenager and using “mental health”/anxiety/whatever as an excuse not to do the things she would rather not do. The usual reasons for this would be depression or neurodiversity (and I know you said neither of these are felt to be the case with her).

Slightly odd that she still bothers with the makeup though maybe. Although I have seen extremely mentally unwell teens still bother with false eyelashes and acrylic nails and hair extensions etc. and in many ways I think some teens put more not less makeup on until a very late stage of things indeed. So I guess as it’s a teen and not an older adult I would ignore the make-up side of things but pay attention to the lack of personal hygiene. Crumpled clothes etc can just be from a teen who is generally messy and doesn’t particularly pay attention to those sort of details but if she would previously brush her teeth and shower regularly it suggests something has changed.

If it wasn’t for that I would very much be thinking that yes you need to do as your GP suggests and don’t make her life too comfy or easy at home until she decides work or education is easier. The fact that your GP has suggested that makes me think that your GP also thinks this is a teenager problem rather than a mental health problem per se. But the hygiene issue gives me some pause for thought. I don’t envy you OP.

Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 08/11/2023 03:45

PestilencialCrisis · 07/11/2023 22:47

Encourage her to help with household tasks like preparing dinner. Get her to pick a recipe, check the cupboards for the ingredients, shop for missing items, chop, peel, prepare a meal. If she is anxious about the big wide world, then she may need a hand hold to get on top of some of these skills, but if she is just being lazy, then she needs to see what goes into all the household tasks to make her a bit more appreciative.

This actually has worked in the past. I taught her how to make a lot of traditional Japanese dishes which she really liked!

This is also why I wonder about weaponised incompetence, because things that I know she can do, like making coffee for instance, she will do so diabolically, that I wonder if she's done it deliberately so that she won't be asked again! And I know she hasn't had a stroke so I don't understand where this stems from, apart from the fact that she will often say that she can't be bothered to do something, and when being told to do it, she does it really badly!

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 08/11/2023 03:34

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 21:50

Yeah right!

l now have to have professional qualifications just to offer an opinion!😲on a chat board! I must remember to dm my details to every random stranger on here.

l have an ASD Dd and was a secondary teacher for 26 years. But maybe l need to be a member of some professional elite ASD diagnosis thing. To even post on here😂

Show quote history

You weren't just posting an opinion though, were you?

You were desperate to offer a diagnosis based on your family and your DD.

We are lucky to live in a first world country with a healthcare system that is top notch. People come to our country for treatment from other first world countries.

Yes, you may well have lots of experience as a schoolteacher, but ultimately, you don't know my background, which isn't in teaching, but actually in medicine. That's why I put my faith in fellow practitioners. I've done my research into who's done what, before even seeking a referral. I've looked at studies, because I have a library of years of medical research and education at my fingertips. So, when different specialists do their assessments, I know how robustly these assessments have been tested, I know about any shortcomings and I know what you have pointed out, that ND girls present differently to boys. And I've said such to different specialists.

It was very late (here) when I was posting and I acknowledge I was somewhat rude to you, for which I apologise. But it's a dangerous road to take when you constantly try to persuade someone to agree with what you're saying. That then crosses the line between being helpful and supportive and actually diagnosing someone. And that's not helpful or supportive. Hence I said to you, what are your medical qualifications. You don't have any. You haven't undertaken research, or any trials, and you only have anecdotal evidence to fall back on.

I hope you can see that what I've written here, isn't dismissive of your journey or experiences but rather, whilst I can appreciate your story, it isn't necessarily the same as mine. People are individuals, no two are the same! The robust testing and assessments that are undertaken for ND, or indeed any medical condition, may as well be thrown away if we just diagnose based on other people's experiences. What is the point in have medical specialists, if we are just going to disbelieve or dismiss what they say, because someone's personal experiences hold more value to us?

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 08/11/2023 03:08

Gloriously · 07/11/2023 22:32

All I can see from your posts OP is you mocking and dismissing your DD’s MH and then belittling and shaming her directly with glee even when she is actively making bids for your attention.

Maybe something has happened to her that she hasn’t told you about - or she is terrified about your life-limiting condition and disability?

Here are some excerpts:

“I said this to show her how ridiculous she was being.”

“I think she has weaponised incompetence”

“She comes and says to me that she thought that everything would fall apart without her here as she’s the glue that holds the family and house together. To which I just stared at her, in disbelief and shook my head!”

“Oh wait, she made me a coffee 🙄”

“When you’ve dragged around and paid for specialists, and had all the tests done and then your child doesn’t appear to actually have anything wrong with them, you get to the end of your tether.”

“This is why I’m thinking of putting my DD into the garden, where she can live in squalor and sh1t to her hearts content”

”She snuck out to a “safe” place as she wasn’t feeling safe because I was “forcing” her to clean her room and was going to take her devices away!”

“Also, cleaning her bedroom causes her to have panic attacks. That’s what she said

“I would love to leave her incommunicado”

“She did phone me on her way home, saying she had missed me”

I think you treat her disrespectfully and with contempt. It’s odd that the only poster you identify with is one who states her parents were abusive and neglectful and advocates that you do more of what hasn’t worked to date.

I think it’s striking that your DD uses lots of makeup but her personal hygiene is poor and her clothes are stained and crumpled. To me this means she is barely hanging in there - she isn’t functioning at any level but slaps on some makeup to try.

I think that you have tried to outsource her issues with all of the professional assessments to ‘fix her’ rather than shift gears yourself to give her the attention she craves by listening and exploring with her.

I can’t believe you didn’t call her in a week and thought this was OK?

Even if she has made every symptom up - that’s still a significant MH issue and a cry for help - no teenager wants to live like she does. Her withdrawal and online binge watching is likely dissociative behaviours - a maladaptive way to soothe emotional pain - can you explore what this might be about?

I am actually not dismissive. As I previously mentioned, I'm more using this as a place to vent.

I would highly surprised that a diagnosis, of which she knows nothing, and is more recent, has anything to do with her behaviour. The time isn't right for her, or any of her siblings, to know about my health problems. It's not fair to burden them with my troubles.

I don't "identify" with that poster, rather she has been my DD to some extent.

The difficulties I have with reconciling how my DD is, is that I've seen her change in an instant. She is like lightening! She can appear really withdrawn one minute and then be fine the next.

I didn't call her because I knew she was safe. If it had been one of her brothers, I wouldn't have called them either! And I haven't done so. But they always kept me updated with texts/phone calls etc., whereas she doesn't, so to me, that means that she would prefer to left to get on with whatever she's doing.

As for getting her a diagnosis. It seems to me, that rather than continually looking for some magical, hitherto unknown to mankind, diagnosis for something/anything, my time is better spent on practical measures. I have sought out second opinions, and unfortunately, she still isn't on any MH spectrum. The only testing that has given her a diagnosis is the DASS. And that's for anxiety. Apparently there is no depression.

Generally, I don't understand about pigeon-holing people with labels. Perhaps there is no label and what my DD herself has said in the past is true. She doesn't want to do these things. Not wanting to keep things clean and tidy isn't new. Not putting dirty clothes in the laundry hamper isn't new. These things go back to when she was a toddler. Wearing makeup goes back to getting her first Barbie head, the one where you put the makeup on it and do the hair up.

The only thing that's really new is the school refusing which started in mid-2020, when she chose to stay home and started to not bother with school work. I have often wondered if that was because she fell so far behind, that she couldn't see a way forward. When she did want to go back to school, 2 years later, she was told that she would have repeat the penultimate school year to catch up. She didn't want to do that, unsurprisingly. I got her enrolled in a college course but she didn't want to do that, preferring instead to hang out with friends, either online or in person.

So, you might think I'm the worst parent imaginable, but I do take her out for lunches, and coffees, and shopping. I try to spend as much time as I can with her. I go to her room and help her to organise it and clean it. And I completely understand her when she says she can't see the point in cleaning as it just needs doing again! I've tried explaining that if she spent 10 mins per day tidying her room, it would always be neat and tidy. But she will say she forgot, or her streamer was online, or she was chatting to friends, or reading a book, doing a jigsaw, etc., etc.

Ultimately, she's 18 years old. She's not a tiny little child anymore where I can negotiate a reward system with stars for doing chores. And to some extent, I understand that I cannot force my values onto her. And I shouldn't do that, as she will live her life as she sees fit. I can only guide and listen, which is what I do. But I also need to be able to vent, but perhaps this isn't the right place for a parent who just wants to be able to vent and be supported.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 08/11/2023 02:34

Theoldwoman · 07/11/2023 21:29

OP, why do you think you will be ‘outed’ as you put it? There are literally hundreds of people on here, and you could be anywhere in the World!

I wish you well with your DD, it sounds a tough road for you both.

I would have to put details up concerning my family, and as you say, do many people read this site, so I would rather err on the side of caution.

But I also don't understand why posters don't believe me when I say that we have had all the tests and assessments done!

I live in a first world country that is renowned for its healthcare! There are specialists that people come here to see in many different areas of medicine. I'm not sure why anyone would think that I would lie about anything!

OP posts:
PestilencialCrisis · 07/11/2023 22:47

Encourage her to help with household tasks like preparing dinner. Get her to pick a recipe, check the cupboards for the ingredients, shop for missing items, chop, peel, prepare a meal. If she is anxious about the big wide world, then she may need a hand hold to get on top of some of these skills, but if she is just being lazy, then she needs to see what goes into all the household tasks to make her a bit more appreciative.

ZenNudist · 07/11/2023 22:34

TLDR

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 22:34

@Gloriously don’t forget to dm your professional qualifications……..

Gloriously · 07/11/2023 22:32

All I can see from your posts OP is you mocking and dismissing your DD’s MH and then belittling and shaming her directly with glee even when she is actively making bids for your attention.

Maybe something has happened to her that she hasn’t told you about - or she is terrified about your life-limiting condition and disability?

Here are some excerpts:

“I said this to show her how ridiculous she was being.”

“I think she has weaponised incompetence”

“She comes and says to me that she thought that everything would fall apart without her here as she’s the glue that holds the family and house together. To which I just stared at her, in disbelief and shook my head!”

“Oh wait, she made me a coffee 🙄”

“When you’ve dragged around and paid for specialists, and had all the tests done and then your child doesn’t appear to actually have anything wrong with them, you get to the end of your tether.”

“This is why I’m thinking of putting my DD into the garden, where she can live in squalor and sh1t to her hearts content”

”She snuck out to a “safe” place as she wasn’t feeling safe because I was “forcing” her to clean her room and was going to take her devices away!”

“Also, cleaning her bedroom causes her to have panic attacks. That’s what she said

“I would love to leave her incommunicado”

“She did phone me on her way home, saying she had missed me”

I think you treat her disrespectfully and with contempt. It’s odd that the only poster you identify with is one who states her parents were abusive and neglectful and advocates that you do more of what hasn’t worked to date.

I think it’s striking that your DD uses lots of makeup but her personal hygiene is poor and her clothes are stained and crumpled. To me this means she is barely hanging in there - she isn’t functioning at any level but slaps on some makeup to try.

I think that you have tried to outsource her issues with all of the professional assessments to ‘fix her’ rather than shift gears yourself to give her the attention she craves by listening and exploring with her.

I can’t believe you didn’t call her in a week and thought this was OK?

Even if she has made every symptom up - that’s still a significant MH issue and a cry for help - no teenager wants to live like she does. Her withdrawal and online binge watching is likely dissociative behaviours - a maladaptive way to soothe emotional pain - can you explore what this might be about?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 21:50

adriftabroad · 07/11/2023 16:22

Lordy!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow agree with you.

Show quote history

Yeah right!

l now have to have professional qualifications just to offer an opinion!😲on a chat board! I must remember to dm my details to every random stranger on here.

l have an ASD Dd and was a secondary teacher for 26 years. But maybe l need to be a member of some professional elite ASD diagnosis thing. To even post on here😂

Theoldwoman · 07/11/2023 21:29

OP, why do you think you will be ‘outed’ as you put it? There are literally hundreds of people on here, and you could be anywhere in the World!

I wish you well with your DD, it sounds a tough road for you both.

adriftabroad · 07/11/2023 16:22

AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 15:10

Exactly. So I await your details via DM so we can arrange for your professional assessment and fee and then we can go from there! Thanks!

Show quote history

Lordy!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow agree with you.

Chipsahoyagain · 07/11/2023 15:29

Froooty · 07/11/2023 14:32

You know what else? We, as a society, have swung too far in our "acceptance" of otherness. It's kindness gone way over the top until it's actually a negative, because it removes the boundaries of minimum standards in society. What an awful thing to do to a teen, to say, oh, they can't! They can't X, Y, Z. Because they're autistic. Or because they have ADHD. Or they have anxiety. Or in fact they have a disability. Imagine how horrible that is for a moment, boxing someone in as being useless and having nothing to contribute? It's cruel. It reduces anyone not bog-standard-normal into being a nothing.

And that's the answer to why teens manipulate their surroundings with the excuse of "mental health" being the answer to everything. Not because they necessarily want to get attention, but because everyone around them also gives a free pass to do anything at all and there is no expectation of basic standards of behaviour. This generation has literally grown up with their teachers and peers not arguing when they make stupid choices or behave poorly; teachers out of a fear of discrimination and a lack of time for all 30 kids doing this shit; and fellow students who have learned from their teachers to be "tolerant" and let crappy behaviour go, under the guise of being understanding.

End result... everyone considers themselves to be not neurotypical. Everyone's got anxiety. Everyone is struggling with their mental health and needs you to be kind.

And yeah, my kid included. She was diagnosed ASD as a 5yo. She's insisted since that her psych said she is not. She's added every new fashionable condition and diagnosis to her arsenal one by one over the years, and it's attention-seeking behaviour, because her online peers all have one or more of them and they are her "support network", ie, the other kids that bend over backwards to "be kind" instead of encouraging her to achieve anything. And OP, I'd put money that it's the same thing with your DD's friends. After all, why would other teens care if she never works? She has acceptance already exactly as she is there. Why change?

Edited

This post should be pinned. It won't be popular because too many would rather fall back on some diagnoses than actually parent their kids. Easier way out. End result, useless bunch of adults. Some people are still using Covid and milking it.

Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 15:21

Froooty · 07/11/2023 14:32

You know what else? We, as a society, have swung too far in our "acceptance" of otherness. It's kindness gone way over the top until it's actually a negative, because it removes the boundaries of minimum standards in society. What an awful thing to do to a teen, to say, oh, they can't! They can't X, Y, Z. Because they're autistic. Or because they have ADHD. Or they have anxiety. Or in fact they have a disability. Imagine how horrible that is for a moment, boxing someone in as being useless and having nothing to contribute? It's cruel. It reduces anyone not bog-standard-normal into being a nothing.

And that's the answer to why teens manipulate their surroundings with the excuse of "mental health" being the answer to everything. Not because they necessarily want to get attention, but because everyone around them also gives a free pass to do anything at all and there is no expectation of basic standards of behaviour. This generation has literally grown up with their teachers and peers not arguing when they make stupid choices or behave poorly; teachers out of a fear of discrimination and a lack of time for all 30 kids doing this shit; and fellow students who have learned from their teachers to be "tolerant" and let crappy behaviour go, under the guise of being understanding.

End result... everyone considers themselves to be not neurotypical. Everyone's got anxiety. Everyone is struggling with their mental health and needs you to be kind.

And yeah, my kid included. She was diagnosed ASD as a 5yo. She's insisted since that her psych said she is not. She's added every new fashionable condition and diagnosis to her arsenal one by one over the years, and it's attention-seeking behaviour, because her online peers all have one or more of them and they are her "support network", ie, the other kids that bend over backwards to "be kind" instead of encouraging her to achieve anything. And OP, I'd put money that it's the same thing with your DD's friends. After all, why would other teens care if she never works? She has acceptance already exactly as she is there. Why change?

Edited

A lot of this is spot on. She has seen peers getting singled out for special attention, especially over the bad COVID hump, with people bring sick and it was all about leaving cooked food on the doorstop, and prayers, and oh no! how awful, and don't worry about this assessment and that homework.

And I definitely agree with the diagnosis thing. She can list the symptoms of most "typical" teen MH problems.

She has actually come to me, listed a load of symptoms, asked what I think those symptoms might add up too, and when I ask why, it's all such and such is feeling this way and has xyz symptoms and I remind her that I can't diagnose her friends, but it sounds like PTSD, or SI, or DSH or whatever the symptoms could add up too, and then, sometime later, she has these symptoms!

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 15:20

AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 15:10

Exactly. So I await your details via DM so we can arrange for your professional assessment and fee and then we can go from there! Thanks!

Show quote history
Hmm
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 15:10

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 14:44

It’s only a talk board love🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Exactly. So I await your details via DM so we can arrange for your professional assessment and fee and then we can go from there! Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 15:08

Chipsahoyagain · 07/11/2023 14:42

That or depression or SN. No wonder there are so many useless adults today. She can swan off for a week, come back with a gobby mouth and attitude but needs a break because you know 'something must be wrong'. What's her plan for her future? To lay about and expect you and dh to carry her forward? No, I would be telling her to get her act together and either be in education, work or putting a huge effort at home. None of this waltzing around with no goals or point. I think you need to be tough on her, do you really want a useless 20 something year old that you read about here all the time?

Show quote history

No I don't. I want her to feel like she can climb a mountain in her spare time!

Tbh, since this whole school thing started, it's been downhill all the way!

Tomorrow I shall sit down with DH and decide on a plan of action based on @VORE's recommendations and what helped her!

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 15:04

ThinWomansBrain · 07/11/2023 14:41

I appreciate it's not your biggest problem, but you acknowledge you've spoiled your daughter in the past - and your giving your adult son the expectation that he shouldn't have to take care of changing his bed linen because he has a full time job?

Oh dear! She has done it once, in 18 years and she and her brother are Irish twins.

He's not reliant on her to change his bedding and it was a nice surprise for him when he came home, from having got up at 4.30 am and got home just before 7.30 pm.

He doesn't expect her to do it again, in fact he doesn't expect any of us to do anything for him. And he bought her a present to say thank you, so she was happy and felt appreciated.

My DD is very much about "leave your misogynism at the door"! She really doesn't allow DS any toe out of line!

I don't think he's shaping up to be a man who expects the "little lady" to run around after him!

He will cook, clean, do laundry, strip beds etc. There's been many times when he's gone in to her room and cleaned and tidied it whilst she's sat on her bed and watched! Her not keeping her space clean and tidy has been going on since she dropped her teddy out of the Moses basket when she was 3 minutes old!

It's only her and 1 older brother who have been like that and he changed when he was about 25, so he was a work in progress for many years!

I've always encouraged our DC to have the mindset of us being a family. And in families, there's no "you do your washing and I'll do mine". If the laundry hamper is full then put a wash on and hang it out. Or, if you're going out, whoever is home can hang it out. Same with the housework. It's not difficult to clean the shower after you've used it or rinse over the sink after you've shaved or brushed your teeth! And that worked for years!

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 14:44

AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 14:37

Please stop! I'm actually finding your continual hammering in the face of me literally asking you to stop with ND, distressing.

You really aren't helping, so again, I ask you to stop! Please!

If you are qualified, and you are registered, then send me your details privately so I can check you out and have confidentiality.

Until then, please stop trying to prise out details that I have told you over and over again will be outing for me!

You're making me really distressed

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It’s only a talk board love🤷🏻‍♀️

Chipsahoyagain · 07/11/2023 14:42

tpxqi · 07/11/2023 07:27

By the way, is there anyone out there who doesn’t have anxiety. It’s seems to be the catch all term for laziness and bone idleness. If you allow people to take you for a ride by blaming everything on ‘anxiety’ then you’re a fool.

That or depression or SN. No wonder there are so many useless adults today. She can swan off for a week, come back with a gobby mouth and attitude but needs a break because you know 'something must be wrong'. What's her plan for her future? To lay about and expect you and dh to carry her forward? No, I would be telling her to get her act together and either be in education, work or putting a huge effort at home. None of this waltzing around with no goals or point. I think you need to be tough on her, do you really want a useless 20 something year old that you read about here all the time?

ThinWomansBrain · 07/11/2023 14:41

I appreciate it's not your biggest problem, but you acknowledge you've spoiled your daughter in the past - and your giving your adult son the expectation that he shouldn't have to take care of changing his bed linen because he has a full time job?

Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 14:37

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 14:27

I’d still be suspicious!

Not caring about appearance is another one. Burnout can take years not months to recover from.

Dont know what else to say! She sounds like a typical ASD girl who has flown under the radar for years. Again I’d be interested to know what criteria the assessor used.

Does she fit into any of this?

https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

Please stop! I'm actually finding your continual hammering in the face of me literally asking you to stop with ND, distressing.

You really aren't helping, so again, I ask you to stop! Please!

If you are qualified, and you are registered, then send me your details privately so I can check you out and have confidentiality.

Until then, please stop trying to prise out details that I have told you over and over again will be outing for me!

You're making me really distressed

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUmum2023 · 07/11/2023 14:32

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 14:10

Do they know how girls differ from boys in ASD presentation in your country. Are they using male criteria to assess her.?

Taking screens away will always upset ND. They use them to regulate.

Take a look at the Autistic Girls Network checklist. She sounds in burnout.

The change in the way that girls are assessed for ND was partly developed by the professionals she has seen. So yes, I would hope they would know about differentiating females and males. I really don't want to continue on this track as it really will be too outing. Please respect that. And please try to understand that sometimes, there is no diagnosis and this situation is ongoing since mid-2020, so not new. She has also undertaken specialist tests to check she isn't "masking" any ND traits. So, again, I respectfully ask you to stop.

OP posts: