To be worn down with the pressure

You don't need to justify your actions. Just say no that doesn't work for us.

Coming from another grandparent, they are way overstepping boundaries.
Don't cave into their demands, and your DH should be on your side on this issue. He needs to talk them down.

Invite them over to yours for a visit, so you have control of the situation. Do you see them often?

They sound like very toxic people and your DH getting firm and having a heated argument is probably what was needed.
What a disrespectful way to behave. They are pushing you away and limiting their chances of you trusting them with your son's care in future- and you need to tell them so! Because knowing they will respect your decisions and authority around his care as his parents will be paramount in you being able to trust them to care for him at all, even when older.

This!

I would have hit the roof. She sounds AWFUL.

Your DH can be the go between now - if they approach you ask them to speak to DH. You focus on yourself and your baby.

Do NOT do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with. You call the shots when it comes to your child!!

I meant to add that your inlaws sound even worse than mine. Buying a box of formula when they KNOW your baby is breastfed is just totally bang out of order and really worrying, I just wouldn't be able to trust them with anything when they take that stance. YOu're in the right here, they are the ones in the wrong, so rather than get upset and feel bad about causing upset, channel your emotion into getting very stern with them. And get stern with DH too, you want to present a united front here so you need him to step up and speak WITH you.

I really feel for you. My inlaws could be similar, trying to impose "their way" on their grandchildren's upbringing. They didn't get it either. I think they thought that because they'd brought up 4 kids in the 70s that they were experts on childcare. They also bought all the nursery equipment, and used to refer to the grandkids as "our baby" etc. I used to watch them babysit our younger nieces and nephews before ours were born and cringe as they eg fed them a lump of cooked carrot before they were even on smooth baby food (and caused the baby to have a massive coughing fit), gave them all manner of sweet crap at all times of day even right before meal times then complain they didn't eat much of their main meal. The worst 2 were sneakily feeding a piece of chicken to one of the grandchildren who was being brought up as vegetarian, and on another occasion they cut the fringe of another grandchild without the parents' permission.

When our DS1 was born I did let them have him overnight when he was about about 7 months old then again a few months later but I was wary. The second time he stayed when we went to pick him up I was told he was upstairs having a nap. I couldn't hear him on the monitor (I'd taken it to their house for them to use) and they said to me "Oh, we don't use monitors, we never had them for ours". They live in a house where sound doesn't carry and there was no way you could hear DS crying from downstairs. I went up and there he was totally wide awake sitting up in his cot looking lonely and bewildered. I had no idea how long he'd been awake on his own shouting for someone and it made me sad to think he'd just been left. I also found out that she'd used pillows in the cot 😱with all the grandchildren! Buying him an Easter egg when he was 4 months old seemed minor in comparison (but then that probably didn't seem wierd to her considering she'd apparently fed her own son chocolate on the postnatal ward when he was hungry 😱)

So I didn't ask them to have the kids overnight again as I just didn't feel I could trust them. I was totally happy for my mum to have them from even a few weeks old as she is just more respectful of boundaries and she was very open to doing things "the modern way" as she knew all about SIDS and different ways of doing things compared to how things were done when we were brought up. I just trusted her completely to do the right thing. I was bottle feeding too which made things easier.

To be honest it was very hard to get DH, or any of his siblings, to speak up against things we weren't happy with as they were just brought up not to question their parents. It's not that they were scared of their parents, it just didn't cross their mind to say anything to their face, I don't think. Looking back, I just don't think the inlaws realised what they were doing.

These will be the same grandparents that will give your 4 month old rice in a baby bottle and 'just a taste' of chocolate.

They'll stomp all over your boundaries, giving you back an exhausted/wired baby because they didn't follow your routine then complain they don't get to see their precious grandchild enough.

Treat them with caution and know that it's you putting boundaries in place for your family and that is your right. The consequences of not respecting you as mum is limited supervised visits and you're not the baddie for that.

"Knock it off Maureen, I said no and I meant it."

That’s exactly what I think when I see these posts about relatives who are so fixated on having the baby to stay without the parents. It isn’t about “building a relationship”, a 13 week old baby doesn’t do relationship building! and grandparents can and do have relationships with their GC when they only see the whole family.

So it has to be something else. She wants to play mummy (we’ve seen plenty of that on MN). Or she wants to “parent” the baby in ways she knows you don’t approve of (feeding inappropriate food, allowing things that are unsafe, etc, and we see a lot of that too, like GPs giving a baby coffee). Or she wants to make herself the special person to your son (like the GM who was telling the mum that the child preferred the GM and didn’t want to go home). None of this is being just a nice, loving, supportive grandparent, it’s interfering and it’s all about what the GP wants, not what the baby and his parents need.

Simply remind yourself your dc is more important to you than mil.. That dc's needs outweigh a grown woman's.. That dc needs you not dgm.

btw way though, that is extremely weird that she told you that she was having the baby to stay. I would be erecting an electric fence and digging a moat and ringing round clinical psychologists. No sense wasting time.

Hi OP,

I have similar inlaws and the stress has wrecked my health and my DS's childhood. Please do stand up to your inlaws. This kind of bullying is insidious and will really wear you down and ultimately bugger up your marriage if you don't.

Also read a book called "Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage"

It's really good.

Do we have the same in-laws?

I had the exact same scenario plus myriad other issues with mine. It resulted in me going no contact with my ILs. They triggered PND in me and nearly drove me to suicide.

Once my daughter was older, my husband took her round once a fortnight. They are low contact. I did not encourage her to stay over until she asked to - my daughter was eight before she stayed over. Guess what? They brought her back early as looking after an eight-year-old is hard work (she’s very well-behaved). I’d love to have seen them cope overnight with a newborn!

By being completely over the top and overbearing during the first few months of my daughter’s life, they ruined everything for themselves. They could have seen her more often and had her stay with them sooner if they had just BACKED OFF in the early months. In contrast, my parents were easygoing and let me take the lead with my child. She first stayed with them aged 18 months and has a much better relationship with them as they respect that she is my child and their grandchild.

Put yourself first. Tell your husband how it will be. He needs to continue to take your side and speak to them. Not you. You need to go no contact with them. You are in the right and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. How fuckin’ dare they.

Just to say that (for once in aibu) you DO NOT have a DH problem even tho your in laws are such hard work.

This is a perfect strategy. No need to be rude or cause a scene. Just quietly hand out consequences for her actions.

’It’s a shame that formula you’ve bought is going to go to waste. You know DGS doesn’t have that. I‘ve heard the food bank in the supermarket accept donations, so hopefully it can go to someone who needs it!’
This is perfect.
My MIL warned me- via her sister- that my marriage would suffer if I didn't let her look after DD so I could socialise with DH! Thankfully exclusive bfeeding and her DS/my DH telling her to back off worked.

Your DH needs to be very very clear, and he also needs to make sure that they know it's not just you, HE agrees.

I'm stubborn. Every time my ILs crossed my boundaries I replaced them with stronger ones. Shared baby pictures publicly on a Facebook account with no security settings? I set up a closed group without them, and didn't send them any more. Used visits to push boundaries (similar to your MIL) - visited less, invited them to visit less.

They soon learnt that trying to break our boundaries meant less contact for them. They stopped, eventually.

Stupid thing is since former H and I separated they really haven't bothered with her. Their loss. She's awesome.

She’s bonkers. I’ll never be like this if I have grandkids. Tell her to rein it in.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I'm glad your DH is supporting you. At the end of the day you have done nothing wrong. You are breastfeeding have said pumping doesn't work for you therefore you physically can't just hand him over even if you wanted too. It's your feeding journey and people should be supporting you in your choices.

Block your MIL for the time being and focus on your little one and your bonding.

ime, keep saying no, for years, until they have another grandchild. Sorry op, it’s really awful I know.

Your dc deserves a dm around 24 /7 if that's what dm wants to happen.

Get dh to text her. Hi dm, dc will be bf til around 2 years old so stop making hints about having dc overnight.. We will be gakd of ghebhelp when dc is a toddler so will let you know when we are ready then...thanks a lot for the offers... Op's dh..

my son deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

With grandparents like this, he might be better off without.

I’m astonished at the number of threads like this on MN - GPs wanting to have the baby alone to stay at a very young age. At least @Craigscleaner your DH is on your side. Good for him.
The GPs have no right to have YOUR baby alone until you decide you’ll allow that - IF you ever decide to. They have absolutely no right whatsoever to try interfering with feeding.
Stand firm. It isn’t you that’s caused the argument, it’s them. They need to know that the more they try to “insist” the less you’ll trust them and the less you’ll want to see them.
At 13 weeks your baby doesn’t need a relationship with his GPs. He certainly doesn’t need to stay overnight with them away from you. You’re breastfeeding ffs!
As PPs have pointed out your MILs obsession with taking your baby away from you overnight and giving him formula is NOTHING to do with his wellbeing and everything to do with her simply wanting it. How dare she, and how dare she say you’re “withholding” your baby from her when you feed him in private.