Household Christmas only?

If you don't invite her you'll feel so guilty you won't enjoy the day anyway. Heads you lose, tails you lose.

Absolutely. I hate this "our little family" claptrap, tbh. She's your husbands's mother and she'll spend Christmas Day alone.
Don't be surprised if you're in her shoes in 40 years time if this is the behaviour you're modelling to your children, op.

YANBU household xmas is the best! I say either see them both (MILs) or see neither. Xmas to yourselves, and see wider family over the 'Xmas period.'

I think this post by @JinglePringle was designed to get some anti-semetic responses. I really do not believe that two 80year olds who seem to actively engage with the world, eat out .. have no phones, no technology and rely totally on letters as a means of communication. The fact that OP is intending to write to them and await a written response about Christmas lunch is crazy.

Op did come back to confirm that the mother will be invited for dinner.

Sickening, isn't it? I wonder how many of the "our little family" brigade are on MN moaning about wider family not helping them with childcare, leaving them an inheritance etc.?

Once again, you don't really understand Christmas, do you? Have you read all the replies to OP? It seems to me that the majority of people agree with me rather than you.

Your DC sound extremely young so too young to formulate a proper opinion on her. If neither you nor DH like spending time with her, this kind of speaks volumes about her character to me…

I honestly couldn’t bear to spend Christmas Day with MIL and I know DH feels the same way so I feel your pain. It isn’t nice to think of her being alone but equally, you should spend Christmas however you want to and do what makes you happy.

I wouldn't see any of my family alone at Christmas unless there was a major issue. I would feel too guilty.

Oh stop with the dramatics, it’s absolutely fine to be selfish at whatever time of year you like. Families are all well and good if you actually like each other but sharing DNA does not in and of itself mean you’re obligated to put yourself out for people who, as per the OP, you don’t even like!

You really don't get the idea behind Christmas do you.

Yes, everyone is entitled to be selfish sometimes, but NOT at Christmas time. If everyone you know thinks it is okay to be selfish at that time of year then I fear for mankind. Thankfully, most people don't think like that. Maybe the UK is losing its humanity - I don't live there, and people here go to all sorts of lengths to be with their family at Christmas.

I couldn't leave her on her own. If she's good enough to take to your parent's house and put up with her company, what's the difference?

Plus it's an awful example to set to your kids, and one they may remember when you're much older and on your own.

Looks like OP has lit the touchpaper and legged it.

I also find the exp 'our little family' so bloody twee, smug snd annoying though..

Only because she’s on her own, havedinner at 5/6 and invite her for that and a couple of hours before?

That said, have you asked her if she actually wants to come? I would be quite happy in her situation to have a quiet Christmas Day to myself at home and see you all on Boxing Day for a few hours.

Explain to her that you’re having it at home and she’s still welcome to come for dinner.

If she comes around late morning/midday then you’d have still had the morning together as a family.

@Magixx

I think the general consensus is to invite her for dinner (she is local so no overnights required) so we can still have some down time, which I think is what we’ll be doing.

I think you and your partner need to be really clear about her arrival and departure times, to set the expectations for everyone. Is your partner going to collect from and drop her back home? That way you both keep control of the day. 🌹

Tell your mil about your plan to stay at home this year and ask her what she wants to do. She can come to you for lunch, say from 12-4pm, or make her own arrangements for the day.

Give her firm parameters and let her make her own way there and back.

I think the general consensus is to invite her for dinner (she is local so no overnights required) so we can still have some down time, which I think is what we’ll be doing.

I think that’s a good approach from you, OP.

Maybe DH could also sound her out by saying to her you’re doing things differently this year and that she is welcome to come to dinner but that if she wants to have Xmas at a friend’s that’s fine too.

Yabu. Whether he likes her or not, unless he is no/low contact for a good reason then she needs to be invited.

You manage it by inviting her for (a late) lunch and offering husband to drop her home after the Kings speech. Use the reasoning that you want to wind the kids down, get the kids to bed early after all the excitement and pack away. It doesnt have to be true.

Then you only need to manage about 4 hours and a good chunk of that will be eating and watching tv.

I think it all depends on why you don’t get on.

If she’s merely not your cup of tea then I think YABU.

But if she behaves badly then YANBU.

Who will do the hosting? If it’s you, would you resent having her less if your DH did the hosting?

I think that’s awful, sorry. If she had a partner perhaps it would just about be ok, but I couldn’t enjoy my Christmas knowing I was leaving my child’s grandparent all alone.

Fast forward a few decades and think about how you would feel.

We protect Christmas Eve as just our time, could you do that? Unless there is a huge backstory I couldn't see someone alone at Christmas if they hadn't chosen it

Don’t be so fucking rude.

Don't type before thinking. 🤪

Not enough info.

Is MIL toxic or just irritating?

Is she local enough to just pop in for Christmas lunch, stay a couple of hours then off home again?