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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me or...

63 replies

Asyouwere09 · 05/11/2023 15:52

I'll try and keep it short and I know questions of a similar nature have been asked on here countless times!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months or so. Initially it was great and admittedly we had alot of boozy dates and weekends etc. Then I found out I was pregnant. Naturally I stopped drinking but I think this enabled me to see his habits for what they were. A couple of times he'd been out drinking with a mate and I then found out (by his own admission) that he'd taken coke (turns out this is a semi-regular thing. On these occasions..first time I couldn't get hold of him the next day, second time he told me he was at work. Turns out he wasn't...he'd been at home all day on the couch. I was really angry that he'd lied to me.

I have since lost the baby and we've had a couple of arguments. One where he called me a B and sl** amongst other things.

This past weekend he was out after work (which I was more than happy about). He messaged me twice saying he was on his way home, even asked me if I wanted anything from the shops. Fast forward a few hrs later, he was nowhere to be seen. When I managed to get hold of him at 4am he told me he'd gone home because he couldn't face a hard time from me. Next day it transpires he hadn't gone home but stayed at a mates. Once again he's lied. AIBU thinking that this man has no respect for me? He also said he was quitting the coke...not because I asked him. He said he wanted to do it for himself but has of course gone back on that word. Otherwise a very lovely relationship. I just feel he changes when alcohol and drugs are involved. Thank you all and please do tell me if you think I'm being too much! :-)

OP posts:
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shardash · 07/11/2023 14:12

Asyouwere09 · 06/11/2023 13:24

Thank you everyone for taking the time out to respond. I think I went into this particular relationship with such high hopes that it saddens me its going this way.

I think part of me feels really guilty as I've reacted in ways I haven't before - throwing food at him on one occasion and a drink at him on another. I feel awful for doing these things because I never have before in any relationship. He now says I have anger issues which is really hard to hear given that I've been in an abusive relationship before.

You don't have 'anger issues'. You were quite rightly furious at his despicable behaviour. That doesn't make it your problem, which is what he is trying to make you believe.

Just dump him. He's a bastard.

AutumnFroglets · 06/11/2023 20:22

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months or so.

and thought this person would be "safe" in terms of giving the respect I deserve.

How can you possibly think that in such a short space of time? Honestly, how? Maybe if you try and explain to us how you can think that another random stranger can be viewed as safe in 4 months. You can't possibly know him, you really can't and I think that is where you are letting bad men in. You don't just have a broken boundary line, you are shouting out "welcome!"

Catsafterme · 06/11/2023 17:07

Yeah from experience that kind of person will not change and is far from safe. They say and do awful things without remorse, lie and manipulate.

This is a glimpse into what lies ahead and it gets worse, way worse.

Your self esteem is in the gutter and will be non existent if you continue. No genuine guy would be this way towards someone they care about, leave him and don't look back. There will be someone out there that you deserve and treats you well.

Clarinet1 · 06/11/2023 16:55

I’m so sorry to read about the miscarriage OP but, as PP have said, you now have no reason ever to have contact with this man again.
He is a lying, abusive, drinking, coke head so why would you?
You say you have low self esteem and have been in abusive relationships before so I really think you should spend time working on yourself before entering into another relationship. I’ve never done it myself but the Freedom Programme gets recommended a lot on MN.
I hope you find peace and contentment.

Asyouwere09 · 06/11/2023 15:37

Because sadly my self esteem is not great. I have worked on it over the years and thought this person would be "safe" in terms of giving the respect I deserve.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/11/2023 13:30

Going forward op. The first time a boyfriend calls you such awful misogynistic names, you immediately gather up your/his things, and you calmly walk away from the relationship for ever. You deserve better op.

Nicole1111 · 06/11/2023 13:27

You need to do the freedom programme online to protect yourself from future toxic relationships

Asyouwere09 · 06/11/2023 13:24

Thank you everyone for taking the time out to respond. I think I went into this particular relationship with such high hopes that it saddens me its going this way.

I think part of me feels really guilty as I've reacted in ways I haven't before - throwing food at him on one occasion and a drink at him on another. I feel awful for doing these things because I never have before in any relationship. He now says I have anger issues which is really hard to hear given that I've been in an abusive relationship before.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 05/11/2023 18:09

Do you really need to ask?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 05/11/2023 18:00

It's not you sweetie x

Jewelspun · 05/11/2023 17:57

'One where he called me a B and sl** amongst other things.'

Can you explain why you didn't end the relationship with this toxic man immediately?

EC22 · 05/11/2023 17:36

Why are you still with him?

Ellie56 · 05/11/2023 17:35

He's a loser, a liar, a coke head and basically an all round twat.

Just dump him.

UsingChangeofName · 05/11/2023 17:28

I'm missing the bit where anything about this relationship is worth carrying on with.

He drinks too much.
He does drugs.
He lies.

You don't owe him anything.

Break up with him and block him.
Run.

Mummymummy89 · 05/11/2023 17:25

I'm really sorry for your miscarriage.

When you have a tragedy or severe illness, you really find out what people are like. You know now that this man is selfish and unsupportive.

I hope you leave him and hopefully find a better man. Someone who can care for you when you're heavily pregnant, postpartum, breastfeeding, etc.

You sound young (total guess though) so there's still time to find someone better.

PickAChew · 05/11/2023 17:23

You need to quit him. The drink and drugs will always come first.

unsync · 05/11/2023 17:20

Four months? Why are you still with him? I have cheese in my fridge that is more mature than this man. 🙄

Ju1ieAndrews · 05/11/2023 17:14

Leave, just leave.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/11/2023 17:13

You're pregnant by a virtual stranger. Ditch him.

BasinHaircut · 05/11/2023 17:12

You will spend your life on edge every Friday and Saturday night if you commit to this man. Whether it’s lovely or not when he isn’t out drinking and taking drugs.

I know many a woman who would give anything to be able to go back and make this choice 4 months in to the relationship, before there is anything tying them to this sort of man.

MaliciaKeys · 05/11/2023 17:12

Sorry about your miscarriage. That must have been hard to deal with.
Your boyfriend sounds awful, very immature and silly, drinking, drug taking, stopping out, lying on the couch all day - kick him to the kerb. You don't need him.

WrylyAmused · 05/11/2023 17:08

In any good relationship I've been in, there has been absolutely zero issues until about 18mths-2 years in. I.e. when the honeymoon period, excitement and all the oxytocin has worn off

4 months in? Ditch him and don't look back - you've already seen where you come in his priority list and it won't get any better!

WaltzingWaters · 05/11/2023 17:07

I’m sorry for your pregnancy loss. But as everyone else has said, time to ditch this guy. It’s not worth it. Find someone who treats you better and doesn’t lie.

cantushy · 05/11/2023 17:03

Why are you even asking? Who would actually defend this prick?

HardcoreLadyType · 05/11/2023 17:00

This has all happened in 4 months, but he’s “lovely”? I’d hate to see horrible!

Seriously, it won’t improve, but if this is what you want for your life (partner constantly lying and going AWOL) then stick with him, by all means.

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