Page 7 | Received a strange request in the post

tmreunion · 2023-11-02T11:36:19+00:00

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'. We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here. I received a letter which reads - 'Dear current owner, This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case. I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this. If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well. Best wishes, Name' I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it. My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need? What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

WingingItSince1973 · 02/11/2023 18:02

I would love to do this in my childhood home but always felt it odd and didn't want the now owners to feel weird about their home having a bad history.

larkstar · 02/11/2023 17:58

When this is the one and only post under that username and they haven't reply after 450 replies I tend to think it's a timewaster.

Amberjane41 · 02/11/2023 17:46

EmpressSoleil · 02/11/2023 17:37

I see the OP hasn’t bothered to reply even once even though the thread has run to 18 pages!! I hope the OP comes back and lets us know their decision

I usually take that as a sign that it's all made up!

I was thinking the same!

EmpressSoleil · 02/11/2023 17:37

I see the OP hasn’t bothered to reply even once even though the thread has run to 18 pages!! I hope the OP comes back and lets us know their decision

I usually take that as a sign that it's all made up!

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 02/11/2023 17:36

Fionaville · 02/11/2023 17:08

Get a grip?! 😂
I wouldn't like to hear that a young girl had been abused in my daughters room for example. Our house is a happy home. If you can't see how it would be disturbing to hear bad things had happened in your house, that's on you.
I didn't even say I wouldn't let the woman come round. Just that I wouldn't want to hear about it.
Hardly a "Get a grip"

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I understand this, but surely you could just say “I’d rather not know what happened”?

Amberjane41 · 02/11/2023 17:35

I see the OP hasn’t bothered to reply even once even though the thread has run to 18 pages!! I hope the OP comes back and lets us know their decision

Chickenkeev · 02/11/2023 17:27

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 17:24

This thread has taken a turn that's seriously concerning, IMO. The 'Be Kind' tone of response was predictable but much less so the ignorance surrounding trauma masquerading as expertise. Not least, because there are a number of posters upthread who have disclosed that they themselves suffer with trauma-related conditions, or have engaged with psychotherapy. Contrary to the statements posted above (and I've had 18 months' worth of EMDR), psychotherapy for serious psychological trauma is not a public event, nor one that drafts in unqualified bystanders from the public sphere.

I'm sure this isn't in the least what the OP intended when she originally posted the thread.

Edited

It has gone a bit odd alright.

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 17:24

This thread has taken a turn that's seriously concerning, IMO. The 'Be Kind' tone of response was predictable but much less so the ignorance surrounding trauma masquerading as expertise. Not least, because there are a number of posters upthread who have disclosed that they themselves suffer with trauma-related conditions, or have engaged with psychotherapy. Contrary to the statements posted above (and I've had 18 months' worth of EMDR), psychotherapy for serious psychological trauma is not a public event, nor one that drafts in unqualified bystanders from the public sphere.

I'm sure this isn't in the least what the OP intended when she originally posted the thread.

Fionaville · 02/11/2023 17:08

Dillane · 02/11/2023 13:14

I don't think I'd be happy having a stranger walking round my house tainting it.

How on earth would they be ‘tainting it’? Get a grip 🙄

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Get a grip?! 😂
I wouldn't like to hear that a young girl had been abused in my daughters room for example. Our house is a happy home. If you can't see how it would be disturbing to hear bad things had happened in your house, that's on you.
I didn't even say I wouldn't let the woman come round. Just that I wouldn't want to hear about it.
Hardly a "Get a grip"

lockedinflavour · 02/11/2023 17:02

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 16:57

lockedinflavour

So you will have seen that I don’t think the OP is in a vulnerable position because she can ignore the letter and go about her business. She is clearly sensible and if she does anything, she has said she is going to contact the letter writer first and then make a judgement. She is in full control of what, if anything, she does, how she does it and how to ensure the least risk possible. That’s not a vulnerable position.

Of corse I did. I responded to it. It was the first line of my post your referring to. It is not up to you to say the OP isn't, or wouldn't be, in a vulnerable position by engaging with this woman. I have stated, quite clearly many times, as have other posters, how and why the OP would be in a vulnerable position. I'm sure it's quite deliberate that you're failing to see or acknowledge this reasoning.

Spermscarecrow · 02/11/2023 17:01

Why do people feel the need to be so insulting on these threads. Poor reading comp the go to insult !! I'm not a therapist but I am dyslexic so back off !!!!!

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 16:57

lockedinflavour

So you will have seen that I don’t think the OP is in a vulnerable position because she can ignore the letter and go about her business. She is clearly sensible and if she does anything, she has said she is going to contact the letter writer first and then make a judgement. She is in full control of what, if anything, she does, how she does it and how to ensure the least risk possible. That’s not a vulnerable position.

Marple03 · 02/11/2023 16:56

If you do facilitate (which I'd probably be inclined to do myself), Id be inclined to have another person present to witness the interaction. Im sure there's every chance she's genuine but in this day and age, better to make sure you or husband weren't on your own with her just in case.

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 16:54

DarkDayforMN · 02/11/2023 16:26

I think you replied to the wrong post - just to set the record straight, I disagree with everything you've said here.

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It seems I did.

lockedinflavour · 02/11/2023 16:50

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 16:19

lockedinflavour

You’ve read the first line of my post and then reacted. The OP can just ignore the letter or welcome her in and many things in between those two poles. She’s not in a vulnerable position because she can say no.

Wrong. I've read every single word of every single one of your posts. Very very concerning if you really are what you claim to be.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 16:34

zingally

Lovely ideas.

zingally · 02/11/2023 16:31

I'd let her.

It's from a name you recognise and know the provenance of, so not a scam.
It would cost you nothing to give her this bit of kindness.

Depending on your own mental robustness though, I might ask a trusted friend or neighbour if they could "do the tour", just to stop yourself associating any emotional messiness with your own much-loved home.

And afterwards I'd be offering a little prayer of gratitude and thanks to the universe, that this has been a warm and loving home for you and your family. A bit of "there but for the grace of god go I."

DarkDayforMN · 02/11/2023 16:26

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 15:53

Absolutely this. But it IS valuable for her to know when someone's stuffing her up with a crock of BS about the advice of their therapist, as it seems likely the letter-writer in this story is doing.

It's also a useful revelation that various PPs, in the guise of a mantle of the 'expert' are doing likewise on this thread, apparently in an concerted effort to persuade her to 'Be Kind'. Your guess is as good as mine as to why.

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I think you replied to the wrong post - just to set the record straight, I disagree with everything you've said here.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 16:25

SerafinasGoose

I think we have crossed wires here. I can see that my wording has come across different to what I intended. I am going to stop responding now as I don’t think there is an easy way to iron out things out. I wish you well.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 16:19

lockedinflavour

You’ve read the first line of my post and then reacted. The OP can just ignore the letter or welcome her in and many things in between those two poles. She’s not in a vulnerable position because she can say no.

ohfourfoxache · 02/11/2023 16:18

I think I’d be happier if she was accompanied by a friend or relative. If she’s suffered trauma and becomes overwhelmed then the last thing she needs is to be surrounded by strangers (and it wouldn’t be fair to put you in the position of trying to get help when you don’t know anything about her)

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 02/11/2023 16:15

Drinagh · 02/11/2023 15:41

The 'tainting' thing is funny -- it comes up all the time on here that posters would have a full-on panic if they thought that someone had died in their house. And they don't mean hacked to death with an axe by a crazed killer, they just mean a common or garden death. Brits are culturally really odd about death. Like it only happens to a tiny, unlucky minority, and it's a bit gross, like haemorrhoids, so don't talk about it, and do it in hospital, there's a good chap, so it doesn't 'taint' the house for subsequent owners.

Given that the girl is alive and writing letters, it’s unlikely that it’s a murder house that makes it ‘tainted’.
For me, the ‘no’ is because I have a young child and, yes, the thought of her sleeping in a bedroom where something terrible may have been happening to another little girl years before is just something I can’t think about for too long. So, no, I’d completely steer clear of bringing any of that knowledge into my home. Things just hit a little differently when you become a parent and my home is our safe-space.

DarkDayforMN · 02/11/2023 16:12

OP would be well within her rights to write to this woman and tell her to fuck off.

(Not saying that she should, but plenty of people would.(

Only a very tiny minority of absolute fucking psychos would do that, surely. Not "plenty of people." I'd hate to live in your neighbourhood! And I guess there's always a small risk of running into a psycho wherever you go in the world, therapists can't protect their clients from that risk, just help them develop the resilience to deal with it if it happens.

crispcreambun · 02/11/2023 16:10

No way. Sounds extremely sus.

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 16:08

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:50

SerafinasGoose

Again, it is the responsibility of the therapist and client to decide whether or not this would be helpful. It’s not the OPs responsibility to decide that. Not our place to comment on that. With any model of therapy there are multiple aspects that are under debate. It’s a constantly changing and developing field. In this case, the OP is questing the likelihood of this being a genuine request. Based on the fact she has researched this woman and that this CAN be a valid part of the healing process following trauma, it is likely to be a genuine request. My input =

Sounds genuine - my expertise tells me that this CAN be a helpful part of the therapeutic journey.
Being warm and welcoming COULD be very positive for the letter writer.
It would be a very generous and altruistic thing to do though and she’s under no obligation.
If I had the resource then I would do this.

The OP is very aware of the risks. She is being careful. There is very little risk to her.

Again. It’s not the job of this thread to decide on the therapeutic merits of the visit, merely to help the OP decide whether or not she wants to say yes.

Well, that's quite the climb-down.

In your previous post you claimed (disingenuously) that I'd accused you of a breach of your professional code of conduct. I had done no such thing; I'd merely suggested you give it a read.

However, I responded in good faith by outlining in some detail the reasons there were serious ethical implications at play here. Not least, that donning the mantle of the 'expert' in order to advance an unsubstantiated opinion might not necessarily be a breach of a professional code, but it should be clear to anyone this behaviour isn't exactly 'cricket'. There are people with stated PTSD/cPTSD, including me, posting on this thread. Exactly what kind of impression do you think this gives?

Your 'expertise' for sure doesn't extend to deciding whether or not the request in this letter is genuine. You can in no way know this, any more than I can; nor can you know whether the letter-writer is being honest. In terms of what they've allegedly been told by their therapist, I'd be gobsmacked if they were. You, however, have claimed an authority on making this very strange judgement call.

IMO, this is a significant lapse of judgement.

As to the peer-reviewed literature, interesting that this contestation is only being made now I've actively brought it up. Before this, what you posted was a fairly supercilious variation on the theme that you are the expert, therefore you know best.

And your response contains not a word on the dubious question of ethics that you yourself raised in the first place, and to which I originally responded.

I find that very interesting.