Received a strange request in the post

I had some deeply traumatic experiences during my early teens due to my mother’s mental health issues. I’ve had counselling but remember the house where it happened with dread and live fairly locally. Years later I drove past the house to show my teenage son where it was as it is rather grand and imposing and parked at the end of the (very long) drive. The owner came out to presumably challenge me and I apologised and said I’d lived there almost forty years ago, and mentioned an unusual feature in the house. The owner then changed her manner and was friendly and offered to show me round to see how it had changed. The experience was completely cathartic for me. Rooms in which I’d felt terrified were now almost unrecognisable and the layout had been changed, despite the house being huge and old. I thanked the owner and sent and thank you card saying how helpful it had been as my sister and I had been unhappy there. The owner’s husband (who hadn’t been there at the time) replied to me and offered to let my sister come and look around. My sister lives a long way away and chose not to but I have always felt enormously grateful to that couple for their very kind hearts.
I am pretty sure I didn't taint the atmosphere and my awful experiences (which I didn't relay to the owners) were wholly personal to the relationship I had with my mother so wouldn't have spoiled their life there.
I hope you feel able to help. Good luck!

EMonsteraescuelenta

Im not telling people what to do. I’m saying that we don’t have enough information to judge the ethics and merits of the therapy (there are way too many unknowns) but that’s ok because that’s not the task at hand. The op hasn’t asked ‘is this a good idea in therapy’. She’s asked if she should bin the letter or get in touch and feel it out from there. I’m simply stating we can’t know, but that’s ok because we don’t need to!!!

It isn't out of context at all. Why is it your place to 'clarify' what can be discussed? Online threads move on.

Those with 'experience' on the thread have shown themselves as worryingly lacking in any clarity about the ethics, safeguards or purported risk assessment around a vulnerable person going into a stranger's house. So no, they do not hold the final authority on this discussion. Especially when quoting irrelevant papers.

Monsteraescuelenta

You have taken that one sentence out of context. But that’s ok. I don’t mind. If anyone reads the full post they will see my intention hopefully. Not dictating - just clarifying, as there are a huge number of posts debating things and assuming things that are simply unknowable and not pertinent to the OPs dilemma.

is not our role on this forum to decide the merits or ethics of the therapy

Oh is it not? Who makes you the arbitrator of our 'role'? Any other topics you decree should be avoided then?

If your gut is telling you to ignore it then do that - her therapist came up with this, not her, and you have no idea how she's going to react to the trauma when she arrives. I doubt she's intending to bring her therapist and, personally, I wouldn't want to invite a complete stranger to go through their personal trauma in my family home. If you are comfortable and happy with it by all means go for it...but I'd be making sure you have plenty of people there and around you, anyone easily distressed or vulnerable (children and pets) aren't there and you have a plan if it all starts going south.

I completely agree with you. I think the original poster has reacted very strangely to a perfectly innocent request.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting a stranger into my home. Sorry. It’s probably fine, but I have Dc and I wouldn’t want to risk something happening in their home. What if she had a breakdown in Dc bedroom what would I do then. Sorry.

I spent five years in a home with my very abusuve ex. I still live near this house and drive past it. I also still talk to the lovely older couple who now own it when I bump into them. They are always inviting me round for a cup of tea. It's been five years and I have never taken them up on this offer. I don't know how I would feel going in that house again. I know I have moved on and everyone is different but I see no benefit to reliving it.

I think in the OP's shoes, I would be sympathetic to the letter but it would be a no, or I would not respond to the letter. It's OP's home now, she does not have a duty to let someone who had a bad experience there wander around. The woman may have significant MH issues, breakdown in tears, want to keep returning... better to not facilitate it at all in the first place.

So I don't think you are obliged to help first of all.

As a therapist who works with trauma, a 'site visit' can be really helpful in helping someone to realise that a place that holds bad memories is actually now a positive place. It creates a new image for them to hold in their head. If she is only asking for 10 mins I would say that she has likely already done a lot of processing and this is tidying up some stuff for her.
It might be more helpful to think about it that your home has helped her heal rather than associate it with trauma. :)

Obviously completely up to you and you could send photos/ videos if that would feel more comfortable or even meet with her first somewhere more neutral.

I’d be willing to accommodate her but would make it clear that I didn’t want to know details of anything bad that had happened to her. She shouldn’t expect to talk to you about it - hopefully she doesn’t intend to do so.

I would want to help.

I think the same or it could be a highly manipulative way of getting into the house perhaps to look for something, who knows.

Seems like most people think this is perfectly fine but I don’t! It’s a politely worded letter but somewhat selfish of her. Why do I think that? Because by putting this on you - with no knowledge of whether you’ve experienced abuse, suicide etc - she’s also made you wonder what the hell happened in your home that’s led to her wanting to revisit it for therapy. I wouldn’t be letting my home serve as therapy for a stranger to exorcise their demons. Sorry, but I just wouldn’t and the therapist shouldn’t leading her to think that it’s an appropriate request to send out of the blue.

I'd facilitate her request but would make it clear that I didn't want any details of the trauma that went on.

I’d imagine it’s taken her a lot of thought over whether to send you this letter and how to word it. I’d allow it, I don’t think anything negative could come from it in your behalf and it may help her.

I would help her. It would prey on my mind that I turned my back on someone who I could do a very small thing to help on their journey.

They could do it together though? I'd say that'd be the safest bet.

Not sure I could facilitate this, my gut instinct is to find it intrusive into somewhere I connect with sanctuary and serenity for my own MH and well being. That's my priority and prerogative as an owner. In order to take it seriously, I
would also prefer the contact to have come from the therapist- with details I could use to look them up and ensure the legitimacy of the whole thing. Then I might entertain it.

In this particular instance I also wouldn't dignify the writer of such a manipulative letter with a response. I don't pander to guilt trippers. The tone put my back right up. I didn't find it at all respectful - it was rude.

For all we know, the letter writer and therapist may be making an initial contact to see if the homeowner is, in theory, willing, at which point further discussion about any safeguarding/risk assessment could be discussed.

It may be the letter writer told her therapist she was thinking of doing this and the therapist merely said ‘that might be helpful’. Or that the therapist meant for her to just sit outside the house and the letter writer got the wrong end of the stick. Or it could be that after very careful consideration by both therapist and client, this is something they both agree could help. Or it could be that this is an unethical therapist who doesn’t know what they are doing. It may be that the letter writer is still deeply distressed and disturbed by her trauma. It may be they have done most of the processing and are toward the end of their healing journey and just want to re visit the home as an adult and be in control to shift the relationship they have to the memories. The word ‘trauma’ could mean anything as it is used in lots of different ways in common vernacular. The letter writer might meet criteria for C-PTSD or PTSD or not. She may just be processing difficulties in childhood that have impacted on her psychologically but isn’t having symptoms of PTSD.

Or many many many other possibilities. We just don’t have enough information to judge the merits of such an intervention or how distressed the letter writer might get.

But that’s ok because, it is not our role on this forum to decide the merits or ethics of the therapy. Or to guess how the letter writer might cope.

Our job is…to help the OP decide between binning the letter or getting in touch and ‘feeling it from there’. She’s not about to send the letter writer the key in the post and say ‘pop in any time’. There will be lots of opportunity to make sure it’s well thought out, if that is needed. There is no immediate risk here.

I think, unless the OP doesn’t want to or is feeling unresourced to, there is no harm in getting back to the letter writer at least and, as she says, ‘feeling it from there’.

From a therapeutic perspective it IS something that CAN be helpful. That has been confirmed several times by people who have expertise through experience or training.

Those saying get your DH to do it

NO! Don't!

It holds him open to alsorts of allegations with an already damaged individual

I think she’s not trying to do anything except heal. And I think she’s being exceptionally brave to contemplate this and to approach you about it. I have huge respect for her. I’m not sure I could face the demons from my past, and absolutely not accompanied by a perfect stranger. She sounds an exceptional person.
I would allow her and I would allow her to go unaccompanied. I wouldn’t want to impinge on her trauma and healing.

I think it’s an unusual and rare request- however… what real harm would allowing her to have a quick whizz round what used to be her home? It will make no great difference to your life… but could help give her the closure and end suffering in her mind. I think it’d be very kind to seriously consider allowing her over. You wouldn’t be unreasonable if you didn’t allow her but I think it would be fair to say you lack compassion.

I would definitely help her on her recovery journey but if it’s going to make you uncomfortable in your home then you’re entirely ok to not consider helping. She’s a stranger and you don’t owe her anything but I personally would want to help her.

It won’t help her. It’s your home.
id either ignore it or respectfully decline and wish her well.