Received a strange request in the post

It’s is a weird out of the blue request. I can understand your apprehension, but I don’t agree it will taint your life/home.

Most of us live in older homes, homes have history.

You don’t known what trauma she experienced, it might not be something horrible like abuse, it could be mental trauma or teenage pregnancy or bullying etc

Either way, she’s not going to tell you about it, I think she needs closure and peace in her heart.

I reckon if you don’t let her you will forever symbolise bad karma from the house and end up thinking about it and feel guilty .

Be open, give her the opportunity but make it clear it’s a one off. Fair is fair.

Hopefully that will be the end of it.

good luck

Why not help

The mere fact that you've posted this thread on MN, OP, is enough to determine the answer to your question. You are not comfortable with this. You're therefore entitled to say no.

I was a victim of child abuse. I confess, I have revisited the house in which I underwent this trauma: I parked outside and sat there for a while in quiet contemplation. Same thing with my grandparents' old house a couple of streets down: as a child this was the only place I ever felt safe. But there's a caveat: it would never for one moment have occurred to me to write with a similar request to the owners of these houses. It's my trauma to work through. These are now someone else's homes: a home is a sanctuary, and, even in such a small way as this, my baggage is not theirs to pick up.

I'd also bear in mind that old adage 'no good deed goes unpunished'. Even if there's no scam - and in this day and age my suspicions would always be aroused by any 'unusual' resquest - you may be opening a door that's best left closed. It might not end with the one request, and if there's a conversation of any sort, or this vulnerable person sees you as a de facto therapist merely by virtue of owning that home, it could have future repercussions for you.

Effective therapy isn't dependent on revisiting the site of the trauma. In fact, this could even have the opposite effect to the one intended. I know this having been left with cPTSD from child abuse, and having had very successful therapy to overcome this without issuing any strange or 'unusual' requests to uninvolved parties.

'Let sleeping dogs lie' became a cliche with very good reason. My instincts would also tell me to respond to this note with a kind but firm no.

I dunno, maybe the risk of having someone wailing all over the house because even a therapist can't help them as they are supposed to and is outsourcing that to a total stranger?

I wouldn't get involved in someone else's drama to be honest. Just because some therapist thinks it's a good idea doesn't mean that it is. I'd just ignore.

She isn't trying to taint your home

She may actually be relieved to see people live in so happily in it now, and it might take away the taint for her

But you don't have to facilitate this of course , merely making the request could have helped her already

It's up to you, whether you feel this would damage your connection to your home or not , but it does not sound like this lady is trying to do anything to YOU at all

For those who know about these things, would a professional therapist suggest such a thing?

It doesn't seem right to impose a stranger's mental health problems on a completely unrelated family, right in their own home.

AI don't think I'd be happy having a stranger walking round my house tainting it
Define "tainting" it??

Well said.

The 'be kind' brigade can fuck off on many subjects.

Op I really hope you ignore the suggestions of meeting up. That is such a bad idea. Especially if you get a 'vibe' and decide to say no. Would be a waste of her and your time and getting her hopes up.

I don't understand why you feel she's trying to taint the house for you, my childhood home holds a lot of unhappy memories for me, both as a child and when I lived there as an adult with my now ex and young kids, my mother has moved back in since so I still see it and seeing the rooms different to how they were is nice and helpful for me in letting go of the bad memories, the one room I have bad memories in that hasn't changed is a room I feel uncomfortable in.

I'd suggest that it is you and your new knowledge that 'trauma' happened in the home that is tainting your feelings towards the home rather than her. Almost, as if you feel the house is somehow cursed and it's going to affect your family?

Either way, it's a very respectful letter so it would be nice to allow her, her 10 minutes, maybe your husband could accompany her if you don't feel comfortable doing so? Even if you don't allow her the walk around, it would be nice to send her well wishes on her healing as she did make her request in a very respectful and considerate way.

I think you need to consider that what she thinks of as trauma is not necessarily something that you would find upsetting. All kinds of things can profoundly affect us as children, it doesn’t follow that her trauma would be something that spoils your house for you. Dramas play out in people’s houses all the time, it doesn’t mean that your house has been the scene of abuse or anything horrific.
In your position I would let her come, but make it clear that you don’t want to hear about what happened in the house.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that it is not OPs responsibility to facilitate the healing of this woman. Inviting anyone into your personal space is a big deal and shouldn’t be minimised by the ‘be kind’ brigade.

My instinct as a lay person was 'no'. It's interesting to hear it from a therapist.
Having seen a couple of friends go through therapy and heard bits of what they say and do, I must say I'm quite sceptical of therapy and suspect it encourages people to be self-indulgent rather than have a really truthful look at themselves (although I hasten to add you sound like you have sense and integrity, Books, and I don't mean all therapists and certainly not you!).

Also good points.

No way would I agree, there could be way more to this. Plus I don't want strangers in my home going around my safe space.
Engineers are bad enough on on rare ocassions.

I would. What she remembers as trauma in adolescence may very well be nothing you have to worry about.

@Weareoutofwine - you took the words right out of my mouth - I was going to post exactly the same. OP - please heed this post.

I think it’s a really odd suggestion for a therapist to make and I wonder if she has made that part up.

I suffered trauma in a particular house as I lived with a violent alcoholic parent. I don’t think I would want to go back and that makes me wonder if it is genuine. Could the real intention be to unlock a memory of potential trauma? Is it something that she herself thinks might help and there is actually no therapist?

I suppose by trauma, it’s likely to be DV or sexual abuse. If it bothers you and you feel it would ‘taint’ the house then don’t go along with it.

I’d be reluctant. If you wanted to proceed I’d want her therapist there with her, because frankly what an intrusive thing for a therapist to suggest, and they should be ready to deal with the fallout because you won’t be equipped to.

Personally I would let her come but would go out and let your husband show her around etc. That way you don't have to think about it. The letter is respectful and you know she is genuine. I think it's understandable in a way that seeing the house now may for her bring some closure so she can move on from whatever happened. You could remove photos and personal items of course. I know the family who lived in our house before (vaguely) and it wouldn't trouble me to let one in for 10 mins.

It seems it’s not unheard of. I agree with PP maybe the therapist that suggested it should attend with her ideally as you don’t know what could happen. Of course you’ll need to verify they are who they say they are as well.

This seems quite common now...on all the 'celebrities laid bare' documentaries they seem to do it.Sometimes it is just the outside of the house though.

I find it abit strange in a way as i wonder how useful it is to purposefully re-live past traumas and re-open old wounds, especially if it triggers things that had been forgotten for a reason, but maybe that is all part of the healing process for some, and i guess they must sometimes find it useful.

I think that many 'normal' families hide dark secrets, so who knows what happened, and she sounds a decent, genuine person.

However i do understand your reservations....if she was say in your child's bedroom and she got all upset and disclosed abuse that happened there or something, you would think about that every time you go in there, so whilst on the face of it it would be kind to say yes, I think others are being naive dismissing your concerns it could 'taint the house'

Even if when accompanying her you witnessed her having difficult emotions in a certain area of the home, but had asked her not to tell you why, surely you would always wonder what happened there.

It is a difficult one.

how does that make that single line any better? How would it justify OP accusing this poor woman as using her trauma to ‘taint’ a strangers home?

I said nothing about if she should allow her to visit or not, so I don’t know why you think I did?